We can’t wait until Rex Grossman and Daniel Cabrera come out with brochures touting the advantages of signing them. Rex Grossman: The Last Sex Cannon You Will Ever Need. He’d probably make it himself using crayons, macaroni, construction paper and lots of backwards R’s a la Toys “R” Us.
It may not work for Rextacy but it did work for Michael Owen who somehow convinced Sir Alex Ferguson to sign him for Manchester United. For every Ronaldo, there’s a Djemba Djemba. Even the Injury To Be Named Later couldn’t believe the brochure worked so well.
Shocking that Owen was able to do the interview in a somewhat vertical position. He probably pulled something when he got surprised at the fact that Ferguson was interested in him. I imagine it’s similar to Merrill Hoge giving himself a concussion at the very thought of Vince Young.
Arsenal striker Emmanuel Adebayor didn’t waste any time following Owen’s lead. The crew at Arseblog were lucky enough to get their hands on the Adebayor brochure. Let’s just say it puts Owen’s to shame. It won’t be long before teams such as Real Madrid, Inter Milan and Barcelona are offering Arsene Wenger wads of cash and little boys in exchange for the Togolese striker. How could they not afford to take this chance? Have a taste of Emmanuelessence.
Mr Emmanuel’s a tender and considerate lover in addition to being better than Marlon Harwood and Mido. What a bargain!
If women want to bear his children, you know Mr. Emmanuel is strong like an elephant in the bed. He is also the same in front of the goal. He most definitely has the first touch of a pachyderm, most likely a rhinoceros. His work with No More Boom Boom and K.U.N.T. make him that much more appealing to your women and male fans who would sleep with their favorite soccer star while wearing his shirt.
Not Irish and jazzy? Take that, Robbie Keane!
I don’t know about you but if I had a soccer team, I’d Adebayoratize it posthaste. I’d probably also Fellainiate it too just to add another fucking awesome hairstyle.
In the words of the New York Blues godfather, “Chelsea’s arrogance has slapped them in the chops again and [Chelsea Chief Executive Peter] Kenyon deserves it”. While most of us Americans were enjoying Labor Day BBQs, Chelsea was taking some major bukkake courtesy of Real Madrid and Manchester City.
The Robinho transfer saga finally ended with the Brazilian headed to the City of Manchester Stadium for £32.5million instead of Stamford Bridge. He said he wanted to go to Chelsea and was fighting for Real to let it happen. He even called a press conference in Madrid to reiterate his desire to move to to London.
Chelsea was so sure of the deal that they started selling Robinho shirts (see above) in their Megastore even before the deal was complete. As one might imagine, this infuriated Real who turned around and sold him to Man City.
You ask where the hell did Man City get the money considering owner and ex-Thai prime minister Thaksin Shinawatra’s money is tied up and he’s on the run. He’s no longer the owner and Man City is now richer than Nazis. The club was bought by the Abu Dhabi United Group for Development and Investment. The group will be represented on the board by Dr. Sulaiman Al Fahim who is only 30 years old. That’s right. 30 fucking years old. He’s ranked as the 16th most powerful Arab and has his own Apprentice show. In case you think Al Fahim is playing, Man City also bid on Dmitar Berbatov, David Villa and Mario Gomez today. Things just got a lot more interesting in the Premiership.
Cristiano Ronaldo thought he was big time. He thought he could do what Jaap Stam, David Beckham, Roy Keane and Ruud Van Nistelrooy couldn’t do. He thought he could make Sir Alex Ferguson bend to his will. Here come the pain, big time. He’s staying at Old Trafford this season.
‘Sir Alex Ferguson heard my reasons, I heard his and we have an agreement that the best for both parties would be if I stay. Therefore, I can confirm that next season I will play in Manchester United.
‘For a while, my desire was that Manchester would accept Real Madrid’s bid. To say the opposite would be cheating people and my own conscience.’
Translation: I wanted to leave. I tried to force a move. Fergie said, “Um…no.”
“I flew to Portugal some weeks ago and we cleared the air and he spoke to some of the players,” Ferguson told MUTV.
“The boy has been through a troubled time in terms of the approaches from Spain but once he knew my stance, he then settled down.
…”We can put this to bed now. It’s finished and the boy is a Manchester United player and that’s the most important thing.”
Whatever he said changed Ronaldo’s tone right quick.
“I was responsible for all this controversy,” [Ronaldo] added.
“I was the one who publicly expressed my desire to go to Real Madrid. I ended up being, even involuntarily, responsible for the poor relationship between the two clubs.”
That’s gangsta. Kunta Kinte should have realized that Fergie sells when he wants to sell and on his terms. Now he’s forced to service Fergie’s favorite boy on demand until the winter transfer window as an example to all others who would challenge the rule of Red Nose.