Why the hell not? Americans don’t give a damn. Congress and state legislatures are populated by assclowns on both sides of the aisle. No one cares about qualified candidates anymore. In fact, being qualified for office is a disadvantage. “Oh you got you some book learnin’. The other guy said he’ll burn books. I like fire.” You better be against a whole lot of things and not know why. It’s amazing how cavalier people are when it comes to voting. Imagine if they were that nonchalant about their doctors. “She got a doctor coat on and said there’s something wrong with my neckbone. Sound legit to me. Apply gravy every four hours? Got it.”

I don’t know whether Carl Lewis is qualified for office but I don’t care. You don’t either. All you care about is whether you can have a steak and beer with him. Well you can’t. He’s a vegan. That should be a campaign killer especially in a Republican-leaning district but he’s likely running for state senate as a Democrat anyway.

Forget Lewis’ policies. Most voters don’t pay attention to the ones that really affect them. If they do, they don’t expect their representatives to have a firm grasp of the issues let alone address them in an intelligent or mature manner. If they did, our legislative bodies would look very different. Candidates just tell you what they think you want to hear anyway. Right, Mitt? People grab the superficial because it’s easier so that’s what they get. Let’s go to the video and see whether he can measure up to the tough standards of the New Jersey voter.

The 8th Legislative District leans Republican so whoever runs better not just love America. You better think we’re exceptional and God blesses us and no one else. What better way to show you love freedom than singing the national anthem.

It’s going to be tough going for Lewis running as a Democrat in the 8th. Being a vegan is not going to help him either. His opponents will compare him to Dennis Kucinich who at least has a hot wife (although no one knows how). Winning a couple gold medals isn’t going to do it. He better show that he’ll fight for his constituents.

A state senator who keeps his pimp hand strong is attractive. None of this limp wrist bullshit. Working out is good as well. Remember how former governor Corzine attacked Gov. Christie about his weight? No worries about that with a former Olympic gold medalist however the leotard and bubbles…

You’re set if you live in the 8th Legislative District. Forget the speeches, campaign fliers and debates. Everything you need to make an quick, uneducated decision is in this post. The Deuce does not offer political endorsements besides Luther Campbell for Miami-Dade County mayor so you’ll actually have to do some of this on your own. Pop pop that ballot! Breakdown!

What is it with amputees and domestic abuse these days? Some of these cats are overdoing it with the rageahol. It seems like only yesterday that Def Leppard’s Rick Allen was nailed for spousal abuse at LAX. That made no sense. Why didn’t his wife just run in clockwise circles around him to avoid the beatdown? I’m not saying she was asking for it but it seems easy enough to get away from a one-armed beatdown. You and me, girl. Hey hey!

One can see the difficulty in getting away from sprinter Oscar Pistorius. He may have no legs but he does have both arms. He was charged with assault for an incident that allegedly took place during a party he was hosting at his Pretoria house.

Pistorius, 22, said in a statement that he asked the woman to leave the party. Unhappy with this, she began kicking the door which broke, injuring her.

“I categorically deny that I in any way assaulted,” the woman, Pistorius said.

Ah the old door attack defense. If they get the jump on you, they can do some real damage just like a wall running into your face multiple times. We kid, we kid. Presumed innocent until guilty. It’s not like we’re talkin’ bout France. Ragin’ amputees and hermaphrodites. It’s just another week in South African track and field.

Don’t front like the thought hasn’t crossed your mind. Would you really be surprised if it turned out Usain Bolt was on the juice? I’m willing to give him the benefit of the doubt for now. I’m not saying he’s juiced but Carl Lewis is.

Speaking to Sports Illustrated, Lewis said,

“When people ask me about Bolt I say he could be the greatest athlete of all time. But for someone to run 10.03 one year and 9.69 the next, if you don’t question that in a sport that has the reputation it has right now, you’re a fool. Period.”

The Times of London calls Lewis’ comments incendiary but he does have a point. Granted Bolt hasn’t tested positive for anything yet but that is a huge time reduction.

Lewis also calls out Jamaica’s drug testing setup.

“I’m proud of America right now because we have the best random and most comprehensive drug-testing programme. Countries like Jamaica do not have a random programme, so they can go months without being tested. No one is accusing Bolt, but don’t live by a different rule and expect the same kind of respect. How dare anybody feel that there shouldn’t be scrutiny, especially in our sport?”

There it is. Usain Bolt has been called out. Will anything come of this? Unlikely. Will it result in increased scrutiny? Who knows. Track and field is lucrative but it could also use a big name star personality like Usain Bolt. The danger is that increased positive drug tests especially from stars could end up tainting the sport. All one needs to do is take a look at the public image of cycling.

Lewis better watch out. The Jamaicans might send Screwface after him. “Him dead and him don’t even know it!” One could also say it takes a fool to know a fool. His acting and singing make him a prime candidate for an electrified fooling machine.

Usain Bolt is apparently bored with making his competition look like bitches. He’s beaten all comers and set records in all of his events. These activities no longer amuse him so he’s going to start training with Real Madrid.

“I’ve watched van Nistelrooy from when he was with Manchester United, so I know he’s a great, great guy so I look forward to meeting these guys.”

In other words, he’s looking forward to owning them too.

We can’t wait until Jacques Rogge criticizes Usain Bolt for excessive celebration for engaging in this dance off with Asafa Powell. Never mind the oppression and censorship in the background. Then again he’ll probably be too busy planning for the Naypyidaw Olympics.

It’s not quite Turbo and Ozone but this is so much better than watching Patra dance. I haven’t been able to watch Jamaicans dance since seeing her shake it in a video. That voice. Those nails. There was no question who was doing the fucking and it wasn’t me. The nightmares were like Freddy Krueger into dream. Hold me…