It’s been a minute since we’ve posted a soccer roundup. John Terry was the inspiration the Deuce needed. We’re ready to go like a 17year old girl in the back of JT’s Bentley. Let’s do this!

The Undertaker Likes To Pay For His Souls

Poor Avram Grant. He lead Chelsea to the Champions League final only to be unceremoniously bounced by owner Roman Abramovich. He landed on his feet at Portsmouth this season knowing he was going to have a rough time saving them from relegation. Unfortunately no one warned him about the clusterfuck also known as Pompey’s finances. A man might want to blow off some steam when his employer can’t pay him and wants to sell his best players.

The Sun is confirming what many including the Deuce suspected about a report describing a Premier League manager’s trip to a brothel in December. Avram Grant has been named as the manager under suspicion.

He is alleged to have smiled when admitting knowing the building was a brothel before speeding off in a car.

The manager, who is reputed to earn over £1million a year, apparently made no attempt to hide his identity.

He is said to have previously been seen outside the parlour, which uses Thai and other Far Eastern massage girls, in October when he also spent more than an hour inside.

Ain’t no shame in Avram’s game. He would have been better off rolling with Vanessa Perroncel instead of some Thai hookers in an industrial park. It’s the Chelsea way.

Revenge Is A Dish Best Served Sympathetically

We hate to come back to Terrygate so soon. That’s not true. It’s awesome. No new details since yesterday however we noted a potential landmine on the side that has the potential to blow up into another Chelsea/England scandal…if we’re lucky.

All the attention in this scandal has been on John Terry and his road beef. What about the real victim? Wayne Bridge. The defender has been left to fend for himself in Manchester or has he? The Telegraph reports that Ashley “Cashley” Cole’s wife Cheryl has been comforting Bridge in his time of need. Uh oh…

Cashley is a current Chelsea teammate of Terry’s and also plays for England with both players. Miss Cashley has a career of her own as a host on X Factor and mediocre singer. She’s also known for being in a similar position as Bridge when her man cheated on her after a drunken night on the town in 2008. She feels Bridge’s pain. No one’s saying she’s feeling more than that but it would be a perfect opportunity for her to exact some revenge on Cashley for his transgressions. It’s unlikely since he’s known as one of the nice guys in the game and she grudgingly took her man back. Probably not worth staying tuned but you never know.

Sir David Attenborough Takes On The Premier League

If you haven’t seen Life of Mammals or Life of Birds, you’re missing out on some nature excellence. David Attenborough has presented more nature specials than you’ll ever see. I got the British version of Planet Earth because he does the narration. While most of the specials are top notch, they don’t begin to compare to his work on Premier League players and managers. Take a gander at this excerpt.

“This extraordinary creature is half-blind…” Brilliant. It’s funny because it’s true.

Cristiano Ronaldo sees the same hoes. For a soccer player who’s revered for his good looks and dubious crossover, he sure loves himself some hookers.

Ronaldo’s already been busted for having hookers over to his place to welcome recent Manchester United signings Nani and Anderson. Now it looks like he’s been busted again for jetting off to Rome for some NICE!

Ronaldo shot down to Rome right after United’s win over Aston Villa and headed straight for the red light district.

The star’s night of disgrace began with his visit to Rome’s notorious Divafutura Channel club. Inside the dimly-lit basement punters are hustled to buy hostesses £120 bottles of champagne as brazen performers-who charge £35 for private lapdances—strip on a podium.

…A source at the strip joint told us: “Ronaldo and a pal arranged for two girls to go to his hotel after leaving the club.

“They PAID for sex with the girls then SWAPPED over so they could bed BOTH of them.”

Getting a brace in Rome and then a hat trick against Newcastle this past weekend shows that Ronaldo’s at the top of his form. He’s well on his way to Footballer of the Year.

Whores of the world unite! Finally a hero steps forth to write a playbook for all y’all interested in gittin’ yerself some NASCAR cock. Before it was all touch and go, hit or miss and suck or blow but now it’s smooth fuckin’ and golddiggin’ thanks to Liz Allison. If Ralph Hinckley had an instruction book like this (or any instruction book), he might not have been cancelled after three seasons.

Allison has written a book called The Girl’s Guide to Winning a NASCAR Driver which gives “ladies” tips on how to marry a NASCAR driver. Here are some of her money shot tips:

– No big jewelry and forget high heels at a track.

– Don’t be a pit lizard and go after married drivers.

– Let the driver lead with the goodnight kiss (but lead with the handjob).

In addition to these amazing tips, Allison also lets readers in on the driver’s favorite hangouts in Charlotte.

“It’s interesting how these people meet, because racing is a very interesting way of life. … How could you ever meet one of these guys? And does true love really happen at a race track when the cars don’t have back seats? Ok maybe I added that last part but I assume that’s a known known or a known unknown.

Allison was married to the late Davey Allison so she has first-hand knowledge. This is pretty much like getting tips on the pimp game from Bishop … sorry, Archbishop Don Magic Juan.

Are you a money-grubbing, golddigging**, shallow chickenhead with chav tendencies? Do you like to follow your boyfriend/husband on business trips just so you can be seen and do some shopping on his dime? Do you like to starve yourself and think you can sing? Well we have the travel agency for you. Traveling Whores Ltd. will make sure you arrive in the country you can’t find on a map and make sure you get back home with all your schwag.

Spurs/England striker Jermaine Defoe’s fiancee Charlotte Meares has somehow been employed by the UK”s Commonwealth and Foreign Office to advise WAGs (Footballers’ wives and Girlfriends) and wannabe WAGs about foreign travel.

Here are some of her money shot tips after the jump:

Charlotte’s Top Travel Tips:

Know Before You Go!

- It might sound trivial but you never know when you might break a nail or your extensions turn green in the pool. To stay looking your best even if you are not taking a personal stylist with you, get a number of good local beauticians or check if the hotel has one before you go!

- Other useful numbers to take with you are that of the local consul or embassy – it could be invaluable if you lose a passport, or if a bit of wild partying gets you into trouble with the local law! Also take the number and details of your insurance company – it will save you loads of time and hassle if your luggage full of designer gear goes missing at the airport!

Insure Those Choos:

- An absolute must is travel insurance – one tumble off a bar table in your Jimmy Choos without insurance could cost you £20,000 worth of shopping money on your hospital bill! And whether you’ve got five Louis Vuitton cases full of designer gear or a beaten up bag full of Primark, you’ll want to know that if anything gets lost or stolen you will be covered.

Go Native:

- If you research your destination in a guide book or on the web before you go, then you arrive knowing all the best places and where you should (and shouldn’t) be seen!

- Another WAG technique for looking cool and ‘in the know’ is to arrive at your destination wearing something the locals would but with a unique twist – think Henna’d hands in India.

- Check out Fco.gov.uk for travel advice and more information about your destination and you’ll also be able to find out about local laws and customs – you don’t want to get arrested in the Caribbean for wearing a camouflage bikini (camouflage clothing is illegal!) or get arrested in Florence for drinking too close to a church.

Come Fly With Me:

- Luggage restrictions are different all the time now and change from airport to airport and carrier to carrier – research what the requirements are and plan carefully what you are taking on the plane and what is going in the hold. (Frank Lampard’s fiancée Elen Rives delayed a flight because of a dispute over the amount of hand luggage she had!)

- Remember your ‘must-have’ cosmetics for the plane (eight hour cream, lip balm, serum etc) will have to go in a clear plastic bag through security now.

Get Your Jabs – and not just the botox!

- Check out medical requirements for your destination, as you may need vaccinations to protect you from prevalent diseases.

Copy That:

- I take all my documents in a stylish travel wallet so everything important is all in one place, but other tips include photocopying your passport, your credit card and insurance details in case you lose them.

Safety – Take No Chances:

- When you’re out partying and having fun, try and follow some of my safety tips:.

- It’s fun having a few drinks but watch out for any of your mates that are too drunk. Lots of girls end up in hospital after falling over and breaking something. The consequences could be even worse with guys taking advantage of women in that state.

- Try and stay in pairs or 3’s at the end of the night, even if your mate meets a hunk and yours looks like a skunk, stay together and say you’ve got a headache.

More Tips

- When I went away with the girls I was so excited, I tried to cram everything in the first day, make sure you don’t ruin the rest of your holiday by staying out in the sun too much or drinking excessively in the first day or two.

Brought to you by the British government with British citizen tax pounds. Feel the Mensa.

** What? You thought we were going with Kanye? Negro please.

Courtesy of Page Six:

The Sultan of Swat bedded an endless parade of women, regularly visited whorehouses, and considered his sex organ and and his home-run bat his two greatest assets, according to “Five O’Clock Lightning,” which chronicles the legendary,World Series-winning Yankee team of 1927.

“Liquor, women, partying and sex were always present . . . and where George Herman Ruth was always at the top of his game,” writes Harvey Frommer, whose book hits stores in November.

Ruth routinely held wild parties jammed with young beauties in hotels on the road. During one bacchanalian bash, Frommer says, “Seizing the moment, savoring the time, perhaps a bit tipsy, the Babe climbed atop a piano and bellowed at the women, ‘OK, girls, anyone who does not want to get [bleep]ed now can leave!’ “

When he traveled with the Yanks, one of Ruth’s favorite brothels was the oddly named “House of the Good Shepherd” in St. Louis. “Babe exiting the whorehouse would always stop off next door at a bakery at about five in the morning and gulp down a dozen freshly baked donuts. He could never get his fill,” Frommer relates.

Babe, Eugene Robinson and Andray Blatche salute your vigor.