I mean, how much ass kicking can one sport have? Its got aspects from roller derby, skateboarding, motocross, paintball, gladiator battles, running man and more all crammed into one. No idea how someone hasn’t taken this commercial and turned it into something that you know you would watch and even pay money for.
The Running Man Archives
I don’t know about you, but sometimes, I get a little bored watching most sports movies. I watch enough baseball, basketball, football, hockey,boxing, etc that watching a movie about the sport is kind of tough for me to sit through most times. The worst thing about them is that whenever they have to do on the field action, since I watch those sports so much, I can tell when it isn’t being all that realistic and that ruins most sports movies for me. You pretty much have to make a perfect movie for it to gain any traction with me and there are a few that qualify, but most don’t.
The solution to this is that people need to make more movies about fake sports. How the hell can you know if the movie is unrealistic when they make all the rules? What a perfect solution. I don’t know why Hollywood hasn’t done much with this idea. Well, to help you out, I’m going to give you the 5 best movies out there that created their own sports. These movies, as cheesy as they are, at least tried to buck the trend of traditional sports movie making by creating a world of their own where the only rules that are followed are the ones they make up.
We all know this movie since they’ve made the same film twice, but the basic concept of the sport is that you try to put the metal ball into the goal, by any means possible…including killing your opponents while skating around in a roller derby-like rink with motorcycles and people with weapons around you. Future sports are quite violent. Some derivative of this sport should be created dammit, roller derby needs a ball in it to be a real sport! Both versions of the movie are quality, B movie level of entertainment containing plenty of violence and sport with enough background intrigue and backstabbing to make the movies fun watches for all, especially when inebriated, but if you have to watch one, you must check out the original 1975 version only because its got James Cann at his finest. This clip here is a little taste of the drama that can come from a fake sports movie.
Classic comedy about the way sports should be. A league where everyone gets paid the same and teams can’t change cities, how much would Seattle love the NBA to be like this? Basketball played with baseball rules, does it get any easier? I dunno why no one has thought to try this for real? Oh right, it probably would suck. Made by the South Park creators so if by some reason you haven’t seen it, you can be assured that the movie will have its high points to help balance out its lows, this movie is just on the list because it would be great if fans wouldnt have to worry about their teams and players leaving town for more money?
This movie just got remade and came out again this year, but if you haven’t seen either version, if you ever wanted to know where, when you see a pedestrian on the road and someone in the car says “two points if you hit him/her” comes from…its Death Race 2000. A movie about a cross country race where if you kill pedestrians you get more points. What a fun sport this is, I told you future sports movies were violent. Its not likely that this sport could become reality today, but you never know with those crazy Japanese. Anyway, if you thought David Carradine was badass in Kill Bill, you haven’t seen anything…Classic!
I do not think I could explain the awesomeness of this movie or sport on my own, I can’t do it justice. Just watch the trailer and wonder why you haven’t seen it yet…we need robot/human fighters now.
This is definitely on my top movie list…not like top 10 or top 20, but i do own it on DVD which means its up there. This movie is more of a game show than sport, but it does involve a lot of athleticism to survive being killed so I’m putting it on the list and making it my number one. A movie where you run away from people trying to kill you, killing them if you can, and if you escape alive, you win. It boils down all the rules and gamesmanship in sports today down to a simple yes/no equation. Did you die? If the answer is no, you win. What could be a more perfect sport than this? People in sports talk about them being like life or death moments, but this one IS one of those moments. Arnold is in classic form in this, watch him take out Sub Zero. God I miss Richard Dawson…GOD i am old.
What other fake sports movies are out there and what fake sport do you want to see in film?
I don’t know if Food Network can ever make up for imposing Rachel Ray and The Neelys on us. However Eat The Clock could be a good start.
Eat The Clock is a competitive eating show described in the Hollywood Reporter as “a cross between an eating competition and ‘The Amazing Race.’ Two teams of contestants follow clues to various Los Angeles eateries and enjoy culinary treats.”
Upon further review, it seems that gluttony won’t be a big part of the show. Food Network is turning into a cocktease. Fuck them. Who wants another version of the Amazing Race? “I know, let’s copy the Amazing Race and limit it to one city! People will love that! Next season, we can do it in Wilmington!”
The show should be a cross between a competitive eating contest and the Running Man. Imagine Eric “Badlands” Booker (pictured above) chasing the Neelys down a street and silencing that fucking yammering with his detachable jaw. Rachel Ray would never see the end coming from Joey Chestnut or Kobayashi until it was too late. BBQ sauce would cover her head as everything goes black and we win money. Too bad Richard Dawson isn’t alive to host this show. Bob Barker, Wink Martindale or Chuck Woolery could handle it with ease.