Chinese kid executes a perfect Transformers fail. Optimus Prime says “Sdgertwg”.

First, there was chessboxing. A bit dodgy as a sport but it does have the benefit of being considered a mystery by the Wu-Tang Clan. If chessboxing is a mystery, XARM fighting must be a mystery wrapped in an enigma covered with stupid.

MMA fighting and arm wrestling together at last just like peanuts and gum. Was there any demand for this? It’s like they’re tied together and trying to guido fist pump each other to a pulp at the beginning. This must be a regular weekend on the Jersey shore. Just remove shirts. Add hair product and WKTU. Instant douchebaggery.

The Cutler to Washington rumors start … now. Denials plus no extension for Jason Campbell means 7-9 next season. Maybe Jim Zorn can install a new offense before training camp while he’s at it. Jason Campbell plays better when he’s unsettled.

American professional athletes are well known for their extravagance. Mike Tyson had his tiger and Gilbert Arenas has his bull sharks and a million dollar pool. European soccer players aren’t about to be left behind. They have the ends but unfortunately they’re lacking the vision. However ring-delivering owls could be a good start.

It’s tough to decide whether to clown Wes Brown or Rio Ferdinand. It depends on which unreliable British tabloid you choose to believe. The Sun and The Mirror respectively claim that the soon-to-be married players will have owls deliver rings to the altar Harry Potter-style during their wedding ceremonies.

Both papers claim that the owl will deliver the rings in a pouch and perch on the best man’s arm. Ferdinand’s owl has performed the stunt six times. There’s no word on Brown’s owl. Hopefully Ronaldo is his best man and the owl attacks him during the ceremony. The picture above shows the reaction of both players if something goes wrong and the owl loses it like a Connecticut chimp.

Far be it for us to leave without reminding you about another trend of athletes giving their children stupid names for stupid reasons. In case you forgot, Ferdinand has two sons named Lorenz and Tate.

Wedding Wings For Ace Wes [The Sun]

Owl Will Deliver Wedding Ring At Rio Ferdinand’s Wedding [The Mirror]

There’s no need to go into Peter King’s description of his weekend in Nashville. You want a review of that? Go to KSK for Big Daddy’s FJM-style breakdown. Unfortunately the stupid didn’t stop after he left town. For once, Lendale White may not have been the dumbest guy in Nashville. We have Pennsyltucky to thank for exporting the stupid down to Nashville this week.

Two football coaches from a Pennsylvania college were injured Tuesday morning after they fell four stories at Gaylord Opryland Resort.

Police said the two men, Scott Coy, 29, and Darren DeMeio, 23, were wrestling shirtless in their boxer shorts when they tumbled out a window from a room in the Delta Atrium section around 4:15 a.m.

“These are really substantial, weather-resistant, double-paned plate glass windows. So (it’s a) very strange, unusual occurrence for someone to literally come crashing through them and down onto the ground below,” said Kim Keelor, Opryland Hotel spokeswoman.

Wrestling? Sure. Whatever you say, guy. I’d like to see how they explained this one away when they landed half naked on the ground covered in sweat and breathing heavily. “You see what had happened was…” Westminister College should be proud.

Coy (who obviously wasn’t playing coy) has a fractured pelvis and femur while DeMeio has a broken vertebrae. If these two assclowns could do this much damage, imagine the collateral damage if Charlie Weis or Mark Mangino were involved. Presidential limo glass couldn’t contain the Bunker Buster. Bodies everywhere on the sidewalk. Medical response teams from Memphis. Just like another day in Gaza. What? Too soon? I am ‘tary.