Poor Stevie G. The England and Liverpool midfielder is throwing himself on the mercy of the courts after being charged with affray for beating a bar patron like a rented mule. He should be used to pleading his case. He begs referees for penalties after diving on a weekly basis during the Premier League season.

The facts of the night in question read like an average night in a douchebag bar. The altercation started after the victim, Marcus McGee refused to let Gerrard play some music on a CD player.

Marcus McGee, 34, said he disliked the footballer’s attitude when requesting a card that controlled the stereo. “I would describe it as bad and rude. He was bad-mannered straight away. I acted in proportion to what his attitude was.

“When you see a famous person like that you do not think you are going to have a fight or trouble with them.”

He told Liverpool crown court that Gerrard, 29, said “something to the effect of, ‘Here you are, lad, give me that.’ “

He refused: “It was my job, so I didn’t hand it over.” McGee said the manager of the Lounge Inn in Southport had asked him to be in charge of the music as he wanted to get everyone dancing.

He told the court that Gerrard made a move to try to grab the card off him to take it away and recalls it slipping on to the floor. The footballer walked away.

Gerrard later came back and asked McGee, “What the fuck is your problem?” and it was on like Donkey Kong. After getting up from the stool, McGee was beat down by several people including Gerrard. Bar staff testified that Gerrard walked off in “a huff” after having his music requests turned down before returning to throw some ‘bows. There are only so many times that people want to hear “You’ll Never Walk Alone”.

Gerrard testified that McGee came at him although he admitted calling him a prick after having his music turned down. He thought he was under attack but CCTV footage showed otherwise.

He apologized to the court for his behavior and said that he was mistaken about the course of events.

“I am certainly mistaken in thinking he was coming towards me to throw punches at me. Now I know, obviously, he had been struck, reacted and thought the strike was by me and he came into me and that’s when I reacted.”

No apology for the guido fist pumps? Gerrard and his friends were getting drunk on Budweiser and Jammy Donut shots. That alone should be a crime. No respectable man should drink anything called a Jammy Donut unless he’s on his knees and/or in jail. He later cried when a letter of support from Kenny Dalglish was read before the court. Pull yourself together and have some dignity. Any real Scouser would have taken pride in beating down someone in a bar. He also would have run the victim’s pockets. The jury should begin deliberating tomorrow. Don’t worry, Liverpool fans. He’ll be on the pitch for the first game of the season. He’s no Joey Barton.

UPDATE: Free at last, free at last, thank god almighty Stevie G is free at last. He’s been cleared of all charges. The tear-filled apology worked. Here’s to celebrity justice.

Far be for us to make fun of Liverpool and their fans but even we have to ask what the hell is going on at Anfield these days. You haven’t heard? Liverpool’s a clusterfuck these days. Allow us to catch you up. Watch your valuables.

Do You Know What Nemesis Means?

Nemesis is a hard word for Steven Gerrard but there’s no way he’ll ever forget what that word means for the rest of his life.

G’s father, Paul informed a court by letter that Stevie was being blackmailed and harrassed by Liverpool gangster George “Psycho” Bromley. He was placed under police protection but Psycho was still able to ambush him outside his flat as well as vandalize his car and chase him home from practice. We forgot to mention that Psycho threatened to shoot Gerrard in his legs and cripple him.

Paul Gerrard decided to get some outside help and hired “underworld fixer” John Kinsella to sort out Psycho.

“We were at our wits’ end when we were introduced by a family friend to John Kinsella. I told him about the ongoing threats and violence. John then reassured me and my family he would resolve our nightmare.

Kinsella testified that he simply “spoke” to Psycho and the harassment stopped after Psycho decided to “take his advice”. Oh Kinsella was in court as he’s accused of being a part of a gang that carried out a £41,000 robbery and led police on a 130 mph chase. He’s claiming he was only in the area of the robbery “in his role as an underworld enforcer”.

Liverpool Fans Are Learning What Texas Rangers Fans Already Know

Tom Hicks is a donkey. This is the same guy that signed A-Rod to a ridiculous contract that handicapped the team. He also signed Chan Ho Park. Now he’s trying to destroy Liverpool and he’s taking no prisoners.

A seemingly permanent rift has opened between Hicks and partner George Gillett over the sale and direction of the club. Tensions are enough where they asked to sit separately at the Liverpool’s last Champions League match. He blocked the sale of Gillett’s shares to a Dubai interest who were willing to buy.

Hicks unsettled the team but approaching Jurgen Klinsmann about taking over for manager Rafa Benitez. The team’s fall from the title race seemed to start around that time. Rafa and the players haven’t recovered from the turmoil. Hicks also did this without the knowledge of Gillett.

Now he’s demanding that chief executive Rick Parry step down because he feels that he’s in Gillett’s camp. To his credit, Parry told Hicks to fuck off (at least he should have) and that he’s not going anywhere.

As much as we (fine, I) like to rip Liverpool, this is a bit much. Hicks is slowly destroying a team with a long tradition and supporters with sticky fingers. Things won’t get better until he is forced out.

Guess Who Thinks Liverpool Sucks As Much As He Does

Andrei Voronin, come on down! You’re the next Liverpool player to get robbed!

Wait until Liverpool fans see what the “striker” had to say about their city of culture.

– “Compared with Germany, England is far behind in terms of comfort and culture”

– “Steve Gerrard was burgled recently so a police patrol car comes into our compound fairly often. We hear police sirens all the time. Leverkusen, by contrast, was so much quieter.”

– “The medical services here are poor. When I was in Germany, there were lots of good clinics and doctors. It is nothing like that here – when our child had a skin allergy we waited hours for the doctor to see him. When we finally got to see a doctor, he said he didn’t know how to treat children and to try rubbing in this ointment. That was it. I was stunned. As a result my wife had to go back to Odessa with him and took a full set of tests there.”

– “But English isn’t the main problem. The main thing is to learn to understand the local players like Gerrard and Carragher. They speak with some peculiar local accent and sometimes I have absolutely no clue what the guys are saying.”

I’m sure Voronin will be pleased to know that Liverpool fans think he’s just as useless. He’s been nothing but a flop since arriving in Scouse Country. He should rest comfortably knowing that he’ll be leaving as soon as the season is over.

You know what else beeps when it backs up? The wahmbulance.

We might have to call in another one at the rate English government ministers and players keep crying over the influx of foreign players into the Premiership. Sports minister Gerry Sutcliffe and Liverpool’s Steven Gerrard are calling for a quota on the amount of foreign players allowed for a club.

“We may need to have some sort of independent look at what needs to happen. We have got the best league in the world and it’s great that we have got the talent that is there in terms of the Premier League.

“But obviously we need to see how that impacts on and affects the national team.”

“I believe,” he said, “that if foreigners do take over completely it will make things even worse for the national team.” Gerrard backs a quota scheme, despite the difficulties of developing a system that complies with European and national laws.

Interesting. Blame foreign players for England’s lack of success and shit management. Are there a lack of good English players? Yes. There’s no question about that. However it’s a bit specious to blame England’s mediocrity on the amount of foreign players playing in England.

Blame must start at the top with the FA which is a symbol of all that is wrong in English football. A misplaced sense of superiority combined with blinding incompetence. One only need look at the process used to choose the England manager along with the eventual choices. It’s always a disaster from the start and they always rule out anyone who might have a chance of success for idiotic reasons. It seems similar to the NBA coaching merry-go-round where the same below-.500 donkeys always seem to get jobs.

Mediocrity is Job #1 in English soccer. If the manager is mediocre, there’s little hope for success on the pitch. Time and time again, the FA picks managers who have limited success at the club level and I emphasize limited. Current manager Steve McClaren (affectionately known as McClown or McDonkey) was abysmal at Middlesbrough. He was so bad that a fan ran on the pitch, ripped up his season ticket and threw it at him. Clearly he was a man in need of a promotion and more responsibility.

Managers continue to pick players who don’t perform simply because of their names. They’re unwilling to drop under performing big name players who have no business on the field due to pressure from the FA and fans. Younger players with potential rarely get a chance. Sven Goran Eriksson was accused of using this selection policy as well however his current run with Manchester City shows that maybe it wasn’t him that was the problem. It has become clear that he was forced to work with what he had and it wasn’t much.

The influx on money from foreign ownership and television contracts has also increased the stakes and need for immediate success which limits the time young players have to develop whether English or foreign.

Perhaps players and management should look within themselves first before being so quick to cast the blame at others. Funny how the excuses are starting to flow even before England’s crucial match with Croatia. Guess they want to have an excuse ready when they flame out and miss Euro 2008. They have no one to blame but themselves if they miss out.

The Premiership season may be over but that doesn’t mean the Deuce stops bringing you news from the world of football that you crave like Pookie craves the pipe. The Deuce is happy to oblige. You may be sorry.

Strangé! Strangé!

You go, Ronny! You just won the Premiership. There’s nothing for you to do now but sashay!

68,000 screaming fans are waiting for you and the rest of the team to claim your medals and trophy but you have to wait because someone decides their hair isn’t perfect.

Cristiano Ronaldo held up celebrations at Old Trafford last Sunday because he needed time to fix his hair.

An Old Trafford source said: “Ronny was more concerned with the state of his hair.

“He was in front of the mirror, as usual, taking an age to slick back his hair.

“Some of the backroom lads joked they’d have to come back on Monday to collect their medals!”

Well after all, preening yourself before you walk out in the rain after a match is really going to make a difference. Maybe he had to make some other adjustments like…I don’t know…a tennis ball or something.

Punks Jump Up To Get Beat Down

The saga of Joey Barton just keeps getting better. He should have learned from Ronnie Biggs, gone to Brazil and impregnated some lucky lady instead of going to the Algarve and returning to England.

Barton was arrested and released on bail for his training pitch attack on Manchester City teammate Ousmane Dabo.

This isn’t Joey’s first run-in with the law. In case you’re unfamiliar with Joey’s past, we ran down the rap sheet a couple weeks ago.

If he ends up going to prison, maybe he can share a cell with his friendly brother, Michael.

Wazza Wazza Wazza

Why three times? Because Wayne Rooney’s attending three weddings in one day. He may not be scoring for his country but he knows how to score free buffets and open bars.

Steven Gerrard, Michael Carrick and Gary Neville are getting married on the same day. Most people would pick one and send their regrets to the other two but not Mr. Rooney. Three weddings. So many mothers. So many cougars. Rawr!

Oh yeah, Stevie G’s throwing a £500,000 wedding and he’s serving up fish and chips, mashed potatoes, curry, trifle and bacon sarnies to be made available. What the fuck are trifle and bacon sarnies? Well bacon’s involved so it can’t be that bad. It’s great when the WAGs (Wives and Girlfriends) get involved.

“Alex (Stevie’s fiancee) has even stipulated the chips are to be ‘fat chips and not fries’. It must be a taste thing.”

You’re practically royalty, sweet tits.

Hulk No Like Relegation Or No Pay

Wow. This has been a bitchy roundup. I’m not sure why but let’s try to move on and close out strong like Alfonso Alfonseca (Dominican for base hit). Umm, never mind.

This Carlos Tevez situation has taken on a life of its own. Wigan, Charlton, Fulham and Sheffield United appeared to be slowing down in their quest to sue the Premier League over West Ham’s acquisition of Carlos Tevez and their subsequent survival at their expense. Of course, one can say that even if Tevez was used illegally Charlton, Wigan and Sheffield United didn’t do what they had to do.

Since the last weekend of the season (three days ago), Sepp Blatter and FIFA have gotten involved and promised an investigation of why West Ham didn’t have points deducted from their total after being found guilty of breaking Premiership rules. Ah Sepp, the George Mitchell of football. Bringing honor and integrity back to the game. Why don’t they put Don King on the case while they’re at it?

Now the Guardian reports that West Ham stands to profit millions when Tevez is sold due to paperwork shenanigans.

…The only document relating to West Ham that remains legally enforceable from the complicated sheaf of paperwork that dictated the terms of Tevez’s arrival in London last August is his playing contract. That means he is West Ham’s player and that the club alone would be due any fee from his sale.

The offshore companies are understood to retain commercial contracts with the Argentinian player. These would permit the companies to sue for damages in a commercial court if West Ham refused to pay them a consideration for any transfer fee they received – and with Real Madrid linked with a £30m bid for Tevez, that could be considerable.

Such contracts between the player and third-party companies are perfectly legal under the Premier League rule U18 that led to £3m of the £5.5m fines imposed on West Ham last month. This is because the rule governs the conduct of clubs, not of players.

In any case, third-party contracts governing players’ image rights and so-called “escape clauses” allowing certain bids to trigger a player’s release are commonplace in the Premiership. Beyond national borders, the involvement of third-party companies in player ownership is widespread.

If the relegated teams are mad about the loss of Premiership tv money, they’ll be livid if this plays out and West Ham pockets a huge chunk of a possible £30m.

This is a debacle and it’s not surprising that the Premier League dropped the ball. If the third party contract was illegal, West Ham should have been docked points for every game Tevez played. How does a fine rectify the situation? They still benefit from his contributions as could be seen on Sunday when his goal saved them from relegation. Their win against Manchester United condemned another team to Championship football and the loss of tv money after the balloon payment.

The Premier League abdicated their duty to do the right thing. It’s not surprising considering how cowardly and inept the FA is when it comes to footballing matters.

Whoop Whoop That’s The Sound Of The Police

The sound of the beast was Jose Mourinho’s Yorkshire Terrier biting some bobby’s ankles. Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho was arrested last night after he prevented police from taking his dog.

Mourinho’s wife Tami called him home from the Chelsea Player of the Year awards ceremony. When he got home, he “refused to let police take the dog and got into an argument with officers”. He was arrested and released with a caution for obstructing police.

“Officer were concerned the dog had been taken abroad, then back to Britain, without the required jabs.”

Finally the police felt the fury that Graham Poll and fourth officials have experienced ever since Jose came to the Premiership. Only if they could have him arrested…