Things aren’t so bueno for Miguel Tejada these days. He probably thought he was free and clear when he was traded from the Orioles to the Astros until he was named in the Mitchell Report.
Then the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee decided to look into whether he lied to federal investigators in 2005. As if that wasn’t bad enough, his brother died in a motorcycle accident on Tuesday.

One would think that would be enough to deal with but we ain’t even got started yet. It looks like the violent Olestra diarrhea is hitting the industrial fan. The FBI has initiated an investigation into Tejada and the Houston Chronicle reports that he could lose his green card.

Tejada, a native of the Dominican Republic, is a legal U.S. resident with a green card. Yet there are some instances in which he could be denied entry back into the country just by admitting he committed a crime for which he is being investigated.

“Obstruction of justice is considered under immigration law a crime involving moral turpitude,” said attorney Alexandre Afanassiev, who practices immigration litigation. “So the question then becomes, how long did he have his green card? Why? Because the law says that if you had your green card for less than five years and then committed a crime of moral turpitude, you can be subject to deportation. In other words, they can take your green card away because of that crime and (have you) sent home.”

One has to think Andy McPhail is hoping for deportation. It would make Orioles management look like geniuses until they trade Erik Bedard to the Cubs for a case of skunk Old Style and a lifetime supply of dogs from the Wiener’s Circle. I would go for Burritoville (RIP) or Taco Burrito Palace #2.

Maybe Miggy can play for Los Aguilas de Mexicali and convinced Fernando Valenzuela to come back for one more year. So much for the B-12.

Now I may not be some hotshot trial lawyer like Jackie Chiles but I do have the sense that I’d probably have a better strategy than telling my client to pretend he doesn’t speak English. Then again that’s probably why I’m not one.

Andy Pettitte was impressed enough with the strategy to hire Jay Reisinger. Reisinger represented Sammy Sosa during the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform hearings. If you remember, Sosa forgot that he spoke English. It was pretty damn funny but effective enough to stymie the hacks that inhabit the House of Representatives. Pettitte will probably have a harder time convincing the committee members that he doesn’t speak English but perhaps we give them too much credit.

Chuck Knoblauch should have an easier time defending himself. Unless he was trying to peg Keith Olbermann’s mother, he’s proof that steroids don’t necessarily make one a better player. He should get together with all the named Orioles and demand an apology.

‘Twas the night before the Mitchell Report, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;

The needles were trashed by the attendants with care,
In knowing that St. Mitchell soon would be there;

The players were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of suspensions danced in their heads;

And Selig in his cheap suit and Fehr in his pleats,
Had just settled down from a long winter’s meets,

When out on the field there arose such a clatter,
Selig sprang from his office to see what was the matter.

Away to the window he flew like a flash,
Tore open the mini-blinds and threw up in the trash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,

When, what to his wondering eyes should meet,
But a bald headed man, and eight tiny athletes,

With a little old body, but so lively and fickle,
He knew in a moment it must be St. Mitchell.

More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

“Now, Bonds! now, Gullien! now, Sosa and Clemens!
On, Tejada! on Giambi! on, Ankiel and Leyritz!

To the top of the ballpark! to Capitol Hill on the Mall!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!”

As dry heaves follow Selig’s regurgitated pie,
When they meet with the press, and pray to the sky,

So up to the press-room the coursers they flew,
With a town car full of needles, indictments, Mitchell too.

And then, in a twinkling, Selig heard on the tube
The hemming and hawing of each ball playing dude.

As he drew in his hand, and was turning around,
Down the hall St. Mitchell came with a bound.

He was dressed all in black, in his hand was a book,
And the book told the tales of many a crook;

A bundle of pages he said told the truth,
Of a number of players whom he was sent to sleuth.

His eyes — black like a hole! his glasses how boring!
His jowls like chicken theighs, his nose caused him snoring!

His sour little mouth was drawn down like a loon,
And the skin of his chin was as wrinkled as a prune;

The specter of a steroids he held tight in his grip,
And the terror it gave caused a many tear drip ;

He had a tiny face and a little bic pen,
That pointed when he spoke again and again.

He was lean and thin, a right miserable old elf,
And Selig cowered when he saw him, in spite of himself;

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave Selig to know he had everything to dread;

He spoke many a word, and told of his works,
And filled all the public, with stories of jerks;

And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, out the press room he rose;

He sprang to his Lincoln Town Car, to the players gave a bow,
And to their agents they all ran with many a furrowed brow.

But Selig heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight,
“Happy Mitchell Report to all, and to all a good-night.”

Inspiration for this story was this post by the 800lb Gorilla. Their title made me do this.

UPDATE: The gals at Babes Love Baseball have their own take they put up after the report came out. Its quite good, I’d recommend reading it.

Maybe someone hasn’t told Barry Bonds anything about an indictment but he seems to think he’s playing baseball next season.

Bonds’ agent Jeff Borris (who must be the off-brand Boras) is damn determined to get his 10% next season.

“He’s training currently and he’d like to come back in 2008 to put a World Series ring on his finger,” Bonds’ agent, Jeff Borris, told MLB.com. “Barry definitely wants to continue playing. So I’m actively pursuing jobs for him from teams that are committed to winning.”

This is what it must have been like in the White House when Nixon finally released the tapes that showed he had knowledge of the Watergate cover up. What the problem is?

Who’s going to be the one to tell Bonds that no team wants to go near him? He’s more radioactive than Chernobyl right now. I guess Borris is Bonds’ St. Clair.

It’s too bad because he actually would help some AL team. He should pull a Rickey Henderson. Can you see him and Rickey on the same team? They could call Darryl Strawberry, Dwight Gooden and Darren Daulton to join forces and run the Atlantic League.

Photo courtesy of The Onion.

David Jacobs, a north Texas man, was arrested yesterday for conspiracy to possess anabolic steroids with the intent to distribute. The police seized tens of thousands of steroids from his east Plano home upon his arrest along with firearms. The juicy part of this is this guy is a personal trainer who claims to have “offered guidance” to Dallas Cowboys players and is going to plead out and cooperate with officials telling them everything and everyone he knows.

“I am comfortable in saying, ‘Yes. I’m pleading guilty to the manufacturing and distribution of anabolic steroids,’ and I’ve agreed to take that plea agreement,” said Jacobs.

How ’bout that huh? Maybe Belichick and the Colts aren’t the only cheaters out there in the NFL? Perhaps Romo and his ‘boys have had a little chemical assistance to help them to their NFC best 8-1 record? Everyone knows you don’t get a smile like this without some sorta drug. The Cowboys have denied this man’s involvement in the organization, but as we know from other steroid scandals, players often have their own trainers to hook them up with the good stuff.

The Deuce will be watching for more info about this…if anyone has any tips, let us know.

From CBS11TV