Hats off for poor Roger Clemens. He sat in front of a battery-powered television in his mansion on Sunday to watch the Yankees pay tribute to their greatest players expecting to see himself included among the greats. D’oh. No Roger. He got nothing and didn’t like it.
“[Wife] Debbie and I held his hand while we watched the game, and he was heartbroken,” said [mother-in-law Jan] Wild, 70. “Not mad. He still loves baseball and the Yankees, but it was sad what they did to him.”
Hopefully his steroid-juiced heart won’t explode from the heartache. All we need is Suzy Waldman screeching like a chain-smoking banshee about the injustice of it all. Strangely Joe Torre was not included in the video tribute as well.
Now I didn’t watch a minute of the Yankee circle jerk on Sunday because the NFL immediately supersedes anything baseball-related. I also have no time for tributes to what really is a shit hole. Let’s be honest. Yankee Stadium is a dump. Good riddance. I mean it’s no Shea Stadium but it’s not the greatest sporting venue known to man. Some would have us think it’s more important that the Roman Coliseum.
Depending on your preference, you either want to start paying more or less attention to athlete’s crotches. The new wave in performance-enhancing drugs is here and it’s long, strong and down to get the friction on.
“It has become so widespread that the World Anti-Doping Agency is considering whether to include Viagra on its list of substances banned in international sports.”
The head of a World Anti-Doping Agency accredited lab notes that Viagra and Cialis frequently turn up in drug tests and busts.
Experts believe that Viagra, which dilates blood vessels, could help in events requiring explosive power, such as sprinting. Others suggest it could help endurance – not so much marathon sex sessions as marathon running – particularly at high altitude or in polluted conditions, such as those expected at the Beijing Olympics. The drug is believed to aid the delivery of oxygen and nutrients to muscles.
One would think the increased use of sexual enhancing drugs would lead to some awkward situations. A hard-on has to throw off a javelin throw or the swing of a baseball bat. Pitching inside definitely takes on a new, dangerous meaning. Viagra-using athletes might also want to stay away from Andrew Golota.
The real David Banner could turn into the Incredible Hulk or Lou Ferrigno once something or someone pissed him off. He was even polite enough to request that you not anger him. The rapper David Banner do what they do. He’s all show like most rappers. Instead of renting a ride and house, he rented an off-brand Lou known to you as Barry Bonds. Here’s to keeping it real at :46. Fuck a transform.
You have to ask yourself one question. Do you feel lucky, punk? Well, do ya?
Yes. Yes I do.
Shit, guess I’m fucked.
Clint Eastwood is bringing the grizzly detective back one more time just to kill him off. We think this is a solid idea. We’re not opposed to seeing another Dirty Harry movie especially if we know it exists to give Harry a proper sendoff into the afterlife or to a dirt nap for all you atheists out there. More actors should consider a similar end for their characters. We’re looking at you, Sly. The world is begging for another Stop or My Mom Will Shoot or Judge Dredd 2: Electric Boogaloo. Rob Schneider needs a job soon before Deuce Bigalow becomes a documentary. Bonus points for Stallone if he kills off Dredd and his annoying sidekick.
The demise of Dirty Harry got us thinking. What if athletes resumed their careers just so they could go out in a blaze of glory? We tried to keep this to players are currently retired but no reason why it can’t involve active players. This probably won’t work but I’m not turning back now.
Vick is released from jail and has to return to football in order to pay off his debts. He makes a team as a reserve running back only to be called into action as QB when the starter and backup both get injured. He throws for 275 yards and four touchdowns. He also runs for 89 yards and one touchdown. He becomes the new starter and his team makes a successful run to the playoffs. Vick wins Comeback Player of the Year. Meanwhile a cure for herpes is found and PETA forgives him for his past transgressions. Everything’s coming up Mexico. Vick invites his teammates to his modest house to celebrate their first-round bye. A neighbor in his cul-de-sac is washing his F-150 in his driveway. His dog jumps in the driver’s seat after smelling the Snausages his owner was eating under the seat. It inadvertently knocks the truck into drive. It rolls down the driveway and picks up speed on the decline. It flies onto Vick’s lawn and nails him just as he’s giving a toast proclaiming he’s king of the world again.
After several years out of the game and having to hear Brett Favre constantly go back and forth about coming back, Chewie decides to make his own comeback as a way to make people forget about his molestiness. He talks his way into a tryout with the Packers and somehow makes the team when every starting tight end in the NFL comes down with Ebola after a Oxfam charity trip to the Congo. The worst part is none of the Congolese know what the NFL is and keep asking the TE’s if they can give up Dikembe Mutombo’s number. Chewie’s contributions end up helping Aaron Rodgers and the Packers make the NFC Championship game. They win the game in overtime and Chewie shows up big time. He pays for some teammates to hit Acapulco with him to celebrate. While they’re down there, they get separated and he runs into a cute underage girl. He can’t resist the urge and convinces her to come back to his room with her. He makes them some drinks and the next thing he knows, he wakes up in a hot tub full of ice and missing a kidney. To top it off, he suffers frostbite and has to have his foot amputated. Roger Clemens, Sammy Sosa, Mark McGwire, Barry Bonds
Roger Clemens comes back to some desperate team. Barry Bonds who just came back after finally being signed kills him with a line drive to the face only to then be killed by Mark McGwire who just came back and in a ‘Roid rage fit crushes his skull when Bonds fails to tag home base after a home run. McGwire is then killed by Sammy Sosa who just came back and injects McGwire with antifreeze because Miguel Tejada told him it will make him huge, who then kills himself by accidentally shooting himself while sneezing. Fin.