Well that didn’t take long. The walking controversy that is Mario Balotelli was welcomed back to Italy by hoards of fans and scored 2 goals in his AC Milan debut. “Cyclone Balotelli” is back at the San Siro. Milan is back in the race for the Scudetto level on points with Inter after being 13 points behind 10 games ago. All’s well that ends well, right? Not when the Berlusconi family is involved.

Paolo Berlusconi, AC Milan vice-president and the younger brother of the club’s owner and prime minister for life Silvio, became living proof that buffoonery is genetic over the weekend. He was leaving a political rally when he dropped this gem.

OK, we are all off to see the family’s little n—-r. He’s a crazy head. All the young ladies are invited as well – you can even have a chance to meet the president [Silvio Berlusconi].

The Berlusconis are no strangers to idiocy or racism as seen with Silvio’s comments about President Obama soon after his election in 2008.

Paolo is also the editor of il Giornale and runs corruption game as well as his brother. His specialty is false accounting of which he’s been convicted twice. One would think that wouldn’t be a big deal in Italy where cooking the books and not paying taxes is an art form. He got two jail sentences and was required to pay a 49 million Euro fine.

Unsurprisingly not much was made of the remark until it was picked up by the foreign press. Don’t expect anything to be done about it. Don’t expect any remorse from Berlusconi. We’re just here to inform you that racism is still alive and thriving in Italy. It remains to be seen whether Balotelli will walk off the pitch or resort to attacking Paolo.

Nigeria celebrating news of free hooker sex

Andray Blatche needs to get to the nearest computer and hop on Ancestry.com to check his… Uh, he’s already on Pornhub. When he’s finished, he should see if he has any ancestors from Nigeria. If he does, he might want to look into Nigerian citizenship.

Nigeria may be plagued with corruption, a north-south divide and beef between Christians and Muslims but everyone including prostitutes can get behind…err, in front of their soccer team.

[The Association of Nigerian Prostitutes], in a statement issued through its national secretary, Jessica Elvis, urged the national team to make the country proud by moving on to the finals and returning with the trophy.

“We want to congratulate the Nigerian national team, the Super Eagles, for qualifying for the next round of the competition. We want to assure them of our usual support and partnership, we want them to bring back our lost glory in football.

Jessica, speaking further, added that the association would declare one week of free sex if the Eagles win the trophy.

“To show our support for the national team, we’ll be declaring one week free sex if the Super Eagles can win the trophy,” she added. Investigation revealed some members of the association are in South Africa ‘supporting’ the national team.

There’s an Association of Nigerian Prostitutes? Is it registered with the state? Hookers are all about profit but is it registered as a non-profit like the church or is it a union? They’re so organized that they have a national secretary? I would be interested in seeing their organizational chart. I assume they have elections. What are the different platforms? Do they control territory and pricing? What’s their dispute resolution process? I assume they have an annual awards event. Is it like the AVN Awards or more like the White House Correspondents Dinner or Kennedy Center Honors? How exactly are they “supporting” the national team in South Africa? One would think the players would stay away from sex knowing how superstitious they are when it comes to sporting events. A team’s juju can be thrown off by the wrong sign or a case of the clap. Perhaps they’re sleeping with players of opposing teams, giving them random STDs and stealing their mojo. Is the free sex offer for players and coaches or is it come one come all? (See what I did there? All day.) If everyone is eligible to cash in, will they have to call in reinforcements or call up more hoes from the prostitute version of the minors? Do they recruit former prostitutes like Jesse “The Body” Ventura getting called back into service in The Running Man? So many questions.

Gervinho’s a proper Gooner, you fuckin’ muppet! (or something like that cause I don’t do North London accents)

Seriously don’t. Chelsea players may kick ball boys and Liverpool supporters may steal but Arsenal fans grow up to be psycho killers (Norman Bates). How do I know this? TV tells me so and who am I to argue with television? Follow me now.

Indoctrination starts when the babes are mere pups. The children are snatched almost directly from the womb and sent to Norway where they’re raised in prison nurseries similar to Chinese gymnastic gulags.

Staff at a nursery in Norway have dedicated themselves to teaching their children to become Arsenal fans, with kids decked head to toe in Gunners memorabilia and learning the words to songs sung by the Emirates faithful.

The Arsenal theme – chosen by the Gunners-supporting owners – which some football fans may joke surely amounts to child abuse, seems to be a hit with the kids.

But maybe some of the children are a bit too cunning to be brainwashed, with one rebellious youngster identifying a picture of Arsene Wenger as ‘Obama’.

If there’s one thing Wenger isn’t about, it’s hope and change. He couldn’t change his philosophy if he had a gun to his head and an offer of a coat with a new zipper. A big win like yesterday’s 5-1 result over West Ham will raise expectations only to have them crushed when the players forget how to shoot and defend.

How cute you say? The nursery describes itself as a “culture pre-school”. Branch Davidian kids started out the same way. Look how they ended up. ‘Murica bless the ATF.

It starts there then the children grow up and start attending matches at Emirates Stadium. It’s as quiet as a library inside but outside they puff up and start trouble with former players. Easy now. When Chamakh cooks beef, the smoke’ll never clear.

Boys turn to men and as they get older the disappointment of an empty trophy cabinet gets to be too much to justify paying for season tickets. However they can’t leave the Arsenal. Football is a lifetime obligation. You can’t quit it. Watching your team suffer crushing defeat after crushing draw weighs on the soul after what seems like a lifetime but there’s no outlet. No crew to dissipate the frustration and bitterness. Welp, time to turn to killin’.

I just discovered a show called Elementary where people reenact real life crimes. I know 60 Minutes is on CBS so every show on there must be a documentary or news magazine program. Why else would so many old people watch that network?

Vinny Jones appeared on an episode of Elementary and showed what happens when the pain of Gooner failure becomes too much to bear. He turned to slayin’ bitches like Pol Pot.

During the show, Moran, played by Jones, kills some of his victims whilst watching Arsenal and also rejects the advances of a prostitute because he wants to watch “The Arsenal.”

Maybe he should have watched the Arsenal in a bathtub so he’d be able to watch them and get it up for the hooker. It seems to work in Cialis commercials.

Here he is explaining why he done up a Scum supporter.

You don’t want your children to end up like Vinny Jones? Then look alive and pay attention. If you see something, say something and don’t let your children support the Arsenal. The more you know.

H/T to 101 Great Goals for the Elementary videos

The African Cup of Nations is one of the most slept-on soccer tournaments in the world. 2010 saw Togo’s team get shot up in their bus and Nigeria’s president try to ban the Super Eagles from international competition after they flamed out in the group stages. Zambia won the final after 15 penalty shots.

This year’s has been less eventful so far through the opening round besides this flying kick from Jemal Tassew that saw him get a red card while being carried off on a stretcher after faking an injury. Note the ref laughing as he signals for the medics to get Tassew off the field.

The tournament was moved to South Africa from Libya due to somewhat extenuating circumstances. Unfortunately this heralded the return of the vuvuzela. If no one is there to blow a vuvuzela, does Cape Verde still suck? Not as much as Bafana Bafana.

H/T to The Guardian