We don’t mean to light Andre Rison’s ass on fire but Travis Henry should be glad that Lisa “Left Eye” Lopez isn’t around. She’d have him in her “No Scrubs” sights after hearing his story about being broke cause he’s got nine children by nine different baby mamas.

Talk about baby mama drama. Henry’s child support issues are overtaking his indictment on cocaine trafficking charges. Mike Tierney of the The New York Times refers to Henry’s baby-making skills as “prolific” and indeed they are.

Attending the annual N.F.L. rookie symposium as a 2001 draft pick of the Buffalo Bills, Henry watched a skit that dramatized the repercussions of imprudent sexual activity. It might as well have been geared toward him.

Henry laughed through the sketch. “I thought, ‘That ain’t ever going to happen to me,’ ” he said.

Henry blames his lack of a father figure as well as the gold digger tendencies of the mothers for his situation. He insists that he loves his children but can’t afford to take care of them due to his current situation. He’s looking at 10 to life for the drug case and claims he can’t keep up with the child support payments. Unfortunately for him, the law doesn’t agree. Even Shawn Kemp is breathing a sigh of relief that he’s not in Henry’s situation.

Shawn Kemp and Travis Henry may win on sheer numbers but when it comes to style, they have nothing on Aston Villa striker Gabriel “Gabby” Agbonlahor. Gabby scored a hat trick in Villa’s first game of the season. That’s good. He also scored a hat trick in the bedroom and knocked up three girls practically at the same time. That’s bad.

See if you can follow the trail of stupidity. It’s long and complicated. Use the picture key below and try not to slip on the amniotic fluid. Gabby was dating baby mama #1 before he hit the big time. She even moved in with him. He met baby mama #2 in 2006 while on holiday in Greece. Four months later, he was getting in the stink box of baby mama #3 who was previously the WAG of useless Spurs midfielder Jermaine Jenas.

Here’s where things get complicated. #1 found texts to Gabby from #3. He told #1 that she was just a groupie and there was nothing to worry about. #3 kept sending texts so #1 called her to find out what was up. #3 turned around and confronted Gabby who told her that #1 was just a psycho ex who was getting all Single White Female on his ass and couldn’t let go. Meanwhile he was still rolling with #2. #1 finally found out about #2 but he claimed she was another groupie.

Stay with us. It’s about to get “stupider”. #3 got pregnant. #1 gave her a call and dropped the bomb that she was also pregnant and Gabby was still messing with #2. He told #1 and #3 that he wasn’t ready for a kid and they could do what they wanted but he wasn’t having it. They both got abortions. He was a gentleman and paid for #3′s baby vacuum while leaving #1 to fend for herself. Two months later, #1 moved back in with him but he was still creeping with #2 and #3. Sure enough, he ended up knocking up #2. She decided to keep the baby and call him Gabriel Agbonlahor Jr. Now she lives in a house that he owns.

Congratulations if you’re still with this and you’re aren’t drooling on yourself. The lesson here is that European groupies get abortions. Hopefully Shawn Kemp doesn’t figure how they get down over there. Italy will start thinking they have an illegal baby immigration problem before they realize they’re all being made in-house. Population decline solved. Shit on your hands and slap yourself, Italy. It’s Shawn Kemp’s world and you’re about to catch the supersonic sperm wave.

Those screams and yells you hear outside is not from the bum fight that might occurring in the alley outside your window right now, no, those are the collective hoots and hollers from athletes around the globe celebrating the release of this interview from Kansas University sports physician Sean Cupp who states that sex before a game doesn’t hinder an athlete’s in game performance. HELL YEA!

“Basically, the best way to continue positive performance outcomes would be to not change your pre-game ritual,” Cupp said.“The long-standing myth that athletes should practice abstinence before important competitions may stem from the theory that sexual frustration leads to increased aggression, and that the act of ejaculation draws testosterone from the body.”

Carl Inzerillo, a sports medicine specialist at Inzerillo Family Practice agrees:

“It seems to help because it relaxes you,” said “Number one, they get a good night’s sleep. Number two, it takes their mind off the competition. Number three, it increases testosterone.”

If you thought there was an epidemic of bastard athlete’s children already then you’d better watch out now! Shawn Kemp, Evander Hollyfield and Derrick Thomas were ahead of their time. They knew what it took to be a top flight professional athlete. This is just what Kwame Brown needs to get over the hump I think. He’d better get to some sexin!

From Kansan.com

Since Pope Benedict XVI has decided to come up with seven new sins out of freakin thin air, I think its only fair that someone should come up with a set of Seven Deadly Sins specifically geared towards the world of sport. Here goes nothin’ and may God have mercy on my soul:

1) Thou shall not get caught using performance enhancing drugs.
– See, its ok to use them, its ok to give them to your teammates, its ok to shoot them in other’s rear ends, its even ok that you sell them and supplement your already hefty income that was unjustly given to you because you aren’t naturally that good…just do not get caught doing any of it. Its the ultimate don’t ask, don’t tell, don’t get caught. Don’t get caught, and you’re a hero like Albert Pujols, not sayin’ just sayin. Get caught and you’re vilified…unless you’re Shawne Merriman.

2) Thou shall not get caught cheating
- Ok, so everyone cheats in sport. To paraphrase the famous quote is if you aren’t cheating you aren’t trying to win. If you get caught cheating however, you are found breaking the sin and of course the torches start getting lit and you begin a slow march towards execution.

3) Thou shall not create a rap/rock/blues/jazz/etc. album
- You are an athlete. You are not a musician. No one cares that you think you have talent besides playing a game. You don’t. Stop trying or you shall be mocked and ridiculed for all of eternity.

4) Thou shall use prophylactics when engaging in sexual behavior.
- For this, its ok to be a womanizer, it’s your birthright as the ultimate alpha-male, just do it right and don’t spread your seed. For every Shawn Kemp, Travis Henry (not his actual kids in the picture…least he doesn’t think they are) or Elijah Dukes that is spat on there’s a Wilt Chamberlain who does it right and is praised for it. Don’t be a dork, cover your pork.

5) Thou shall not get caught harming animals for fun.
- No one knows this rule better than Michael Vick, Tripp Isenhour, Pedro Martinez or Qyntel Woods. Pedro gets a bit of a pass because he did it in a country where its legal, but pretty much any athlete who does anything cruel to an animal meets a pretty unfortunate sports demise. The Lord looks down on those who harm the lesser species. We’ll see what happens with Pedro this season.

6) Thou shall not get caught gambling.
- Tim Donaghy, Pete Rose, Wayne Gretzky’s wife, Michael Jordan’s mysterious retirement for baseball all have some ties to gambling and all have never be the same. The easy solution is to wait til you’re out of sport like Charles Barkley here to publicly gamble away all your money. People find that kind of gambling far more light hearted, but if you do it while you’re active in sport you shall have a pall cast upon you…and you might get forced to run a team in Charlotte named after a guy called Bob for all of eternity.

7) Thou shall not beat on your lady, get caught, arrested, and have a mugshot taken like this
- Sports, by their nature, are very aggressive. It takes an aggressive person to participate at the highest of levels of sport. The problem some have is leaving that aggression on the field or court of play. Those who choose not to will forever be branded WIFE-BEATER and those scarlet 2 words will follow you until your death…Jason Kidd.

Darren McFadden will be a Cincinnati Bengal this fall. How you ask? It’s quite simple you see.

You’re already aware that he loves fighting and somehow gets Escalades without getting nailed like an amateur such as Reggie Bush. Now you can add baby mama drama to the mix.

Teams at the NFL combine found out that not only is he the subject of a paternity suit but he already has two kids on the way. Shawn Kemp and Travis Henry agree that the Force is strong with this one.

However Henry also warned McFadden that he has a long way to go before he can touch Henry on and off the field. “Shit, dawg. I got nine kids with nine different mamas. He ain’t even comin’ close to that. I’ll get worried when he gets to seven or eight.”

No way the Bengals don’t trade up to grab him.