You know what’s better than toast? Mo’ toast and that’s how I beat Larry Holm’, Dabe Robenfeld.

Leave it to the MLS to introduce sponsors on jerseys in the US. It may be common everywhere else in the world but the top four professional leagues have managed to avoid advertising on jerseys until now. The NFL voted to allow teams to place sponsor logos on their practice jerseys back in March. Expect a bukkake-style explosion of ads before long as most teams will do anything to make a buck.

Zero Tolerance Entertainment thinks it can make the Houston Texans bend over for “several zeros” and place the company logo on their practice jerseys. Good luck with that. Zero Tolerance is best … well, only known for porn. You can find all your favorites such as Jenna Haze, Courtney Cummz, Rebeca Linares and the almost legit Sasha Grey. We’re not even going to link to their website but don’t front like you don’t know the address already. Fine, here’s the NSFW link. We can’t begin to tell you how NSFW this link is unless you work for Vivid. I just ordered Popporn: The Guide to Making Fuck. It was a no-brainer once I heard Gene Shalit makes dirty mustache love to it.

It’s safe to say the offer is a non-starter. The company issued a press release stating as much.

“Every team in the league starts the season by saying, that they’ll have Zero Tolerance for losing,” the company said. “While our offer may not be taken seriously, there is some undeniable synergy between the NFL and the name of our company.”

Zero tolerance for what? Fun? Self-expression? The name seems more appropriate for the NFL than the company. We’ve seen plenty of Zero Tolerance offerings and it’s pretty clear their talent will tolerate almost anything.

The Texans should do themselves a favor and consider the offer. The synergy between the Texans and the company starts and stops with the Sex Cannon. This could be a partnership for the ages especially barely 18.

We can’t wait until Rex Grossman and Daniel Cabrera come out with brochures touting the advantages of signing them. Rex Grossman: The Last Sex Cannon You Will Ever Need. He’d probably make it himself using crayons, macaroni, construction paper and lots of backwards R’s a la Toys “R” Us.

It may not work for Rextacy but it did work for Michael Owen who somehow convinced Sir Alex Ferguson to sign him for Manchester United. For every Ronaldo, there’s a Djemba Djemba. Even the Injury To Be Named Later couldn’t believe the brochure worked so well.

Shocking that Owen was able to do the interview in a somewhat vertical position. He probably pulled something when he got surprised at the fact that Ferguson was interested in him. I imagine it’s similar to Merrill Hoge giving himself a concussion at the very thought of Vince Young.

Arsenal striker Emmanuel Adebayor didn’t waste any time following Owen’s lead. The crew at Arseblog were lucky enough to get their hands on the Adebayor brochure. Let’s just say it puts Owen’s to shame. It won’t be long before teams such as Real Madrid, Inter Milan and Barcelona are offering Arsene Wenger wads of cash and little boys in exchange for the Togolese striker. How could they not afford to take this chance? Have a taste of Emmanuelessence.

Mr Emmanuel’s a tender and considerate lover in addition to being better than Marlon Harwood and Mido. What a bargain!

If women want to bear his children, you know Mr. Emmanuel is strong like an elephant in the bed. He is also the same in front of the goal. He most definitely has the first touch of a pachyderm, most likely a rhinoceros. His work with No More Boom Boom and K.U.N.T. make him that much more appealing to your women and male fans who would sleep with their favorite soccer star while wearing his shirt.

Not Irish and jazzy? Take that, Robbie Keane!

I don’t know about you but if I had a soccer team, I’d Adebayoratize it posthaste. I’d probably also Fellainiate it too just to add another fucking awesome hairstyle.

Adebayor Brochure [Arseblog]

It’s a new season and Lovie Smith has a new way of telling the Sex Cannon he’s not playing. Screw meetings. How about practicing the pre-game introduction and having Kyle Orton run out with the first team? It’s probably best that he get used to it now.

What used to be right is wrong. Stand at attention for the 21 Sex Cannon salute.

If I were Griese, I’d watch out for roofies at his next cookout. He doesn’t want to make sweet love to his driveway again and end up back on the bench.