Alrighty, well now that I can bask in the glow of having picked Tenn +6.5 last night, I figure its high time I share some picks that are sure to have you stuffing your mattresses full of cash. Lets go through the games, shall we? All picks are in bold. All lines are from TheGreek. Hot cheerleader is from the Eagles. Scroll to the bottom if you want the Upset Special and the Lock of the Week.

MIAMI +4.5 at Atlanta

The public is all over Atlanta as the feel good feelings from last year are still lingering on their squad. Thing is, Miami had a decent rebound year last year and they are only healthier and better now than they were then with a deeper defense and stability at QB with Pennington. I am thinking you fade here and enjoy your chicken dinner.

KC at Baltimore UNDER 36

Not going to touch the line of Balt -13 and neither should you. Baltimore should win this game easily, but I dont know anyone that can trust their offense explode during week 1 when it never did last year. KC is in disarray, going back to Tyler Thigpen and their incredibly unreliable duo of running backs. Their defense is nearly nonexistent but luckily so is Baltimore’s offense. Take the under and count your money.

Philly at CAROLINA +3

Taking the home dog here. Philly’s O-line is hurting bad right now and their D coordinator is dead, not to mention they have the biggest distraction in the world in Michael Vick standing on their sidelines, so I’m not feeling them. Carolina is your standard mediocre NFL team and that should be enough to keep the game tight at home and maybe even pull out a win. Gutsy pick, but one you should make. When you do, and win, personally thank me for improving your fortunes.

Denver at CINCINNATI -4

I have no idea what is going on in Bronco land right now. Their rookie and future star running back may or may not play, their best wide receiver was suspended most the pre-season and hates his brand new coach who appears to be over his head, and their quarterback is Kyle Orton. Meanwhile, all is surprisingly well in Bengal-land. I expect a finally healthy Palmer to shred the Bronco’s suspect defense and cruise to a victory at home. The Bengals should Bronco-bust a nut all over this one…I have no idea what that means. SHIP IT!

MINNESOTA -3.5 at Browns

It doesnt matter if Favre, Jackson or Rosenfels is behind center with Adrian Peterson in the backfield for this game. The Vikings should have no trouble dominating against Brady Quinn and the hapless Browns with their explosive running game and strong defense. Although if the Browns could somehow mercifully end Brett Favre’s career in this game, maybe we all will forget about his shenanigans by the end of the season to possibly forgive him for what he has done and go back to shameless Farve-man-love. Take the Vikes and cash your 401k out on this one and bet it all. After you win, you can pay off those early cash out penalties and still be up big. Its safer than the stock market. Trust me.

New York Jets at HOUSTON -4

Every year Houston gets a little better, this year I think they make the leap to a good team. They have a dynamic offense and, after years of sucking, have acquired a very strong D through the draft. The Jets are starting a rookie QB on the road with Jerrico Cotchery as his only WR. I dont care if Rex Ryan is their new coach, their D alone can’t win this one. You take the Texans, pray Schaub ends the game in one piece and if he does, thithe some of your winnings to the church of your choice for your prayers paying off…b/c after Schaub is Grossman…and there aint no winning with Grossman.

JACKSONVILLE +7 at Indianapolis

Jacksonville did have an extrordinary string of bad luck as a team last year and this year they hope to turn things around…if only they can stay healthy. Luckily, its the first game of the year and they are healthy. Peyton and the Colts should win this game, but it will be closer than you think. MJD is a force and should impose his will on the Colts defense, slowing the game down and keeping things close. Take the road dog here, buy yourself a good steak with the money I have won you. Get the mashed potatoes with it. Treat yourself nice for once.

Detroit at New Orleans OVER 48.5

There is no way Detroit’s defense can slow down New Orleans offense. None chance. The only problem is, I am in no way confident that the Saint’s defense can stop Detroit’s offense. I’m scared with this game, so I am gonna pray for a shoot-out on both ends and take the over. If you do the same, so help you God I hope you win.

DALLAS -6 at Tampa Bay

The Cowboys don’t need a wide receiver to beat they Bucs by a touchdown. They have about 15 running backs on their team that will beat the rebuilding Buccaneers into submission. I expect Barber, Jones and Choice to go nuts on Tampa and Dallas will easily pull out a win here. Bet Dallas and buy yourself something nice with the winnings. You can’t afford not to play this one here.

WASHINGTON +6.5 at NY Giants

Yea, I am a huge homer, its true, but I think the Redskins have a chance here. The Giants’ secondary is beat up coming out of camp and their D-line has 2 guys returning from season ending injuries. The Giants also have no established WR on their roster and Eli’s numbers went to hell last season without his security blanket, Plaxico Burress. So what am I saying? I am not saying the Redskins will win…i’m just saying it looks to be a battle of field goals instead of touchdowns. If this is true, I am a friggin genius…not just a homer…a GENIUS!

St. Louis at SEATTLE -7.5

This spread cant be high enough. I would still bet Seattle -10 here I think. St. Louis is a joke and Seattle’s offense should surprise people this season with a healthy (for now) Matt Hasselbeck and the greatest WR corps he’s ever had to work with including the mighty chain mover TJ Houshmandzadeh. Take Seattle and enjoy your hard earned cash.

Chicago at GREEN BAY -3

This one is a toughie. In the end, I believe Aaron Rogers will have a better day against a stout Bears D than Culter will have against an opportunistic Packers D. That, and you shouldn’t really try to bet against the Pack at home. Sell your car, use that money to bet this game, win, and then buy yourself the car you really deserve bucko. Its a plan that can’t fail.

Buffalo at NEW ENGLAND -10.5

The Patriots are going to run the score up as much as they can in this game, just to prove cover boy Brady is healthy and they are back on top. Take the huge spread and pray the Bills come out of this game walking instead of on a stretcher…because I’m a nice guy like that. You need to take that money you’ve been saving for presents this holiday season and bet it all on this one. After you win, you’ll be able to afford TWICE as many nice gifts as before.

UPSET SPECIAL OF THE WEEK
SAN FRANCISCO +6 at Arizona

Yes, this is the upset special of the week. Yes, Arizona got to the super bowl last year with a heck of a run, but the 49ers actually had a nice little run to end their season last year as well. The team believes in head coach Mike Singletary and he will play to this team’s strengths this season by running the ball, running the ball and running the ball more. Frank Gore and Glenn Coffee will pound Arizona to dust with the rock and their short passing game should frustrate the Cardinals all day. The 49er’s D wont be able to stop Fitzgerald but with an ailing Bolden, they should be able to contain him. If they can get to Kurt Warner a few times they might have a chance. At the very least, I think the 49ers cover, best case, they win this game outright.

LOCK OF THE WEEK
SAN DIEGO -9 at Oakland

Not even Norv Turner can screw up this matchup. The Raiders are never going to be able to stop Rivers, LT, Sproles, Gates and Jackson. That and they might not even score against the Chargers defense which should be stronger than last year with their D line intact and with their own issues on offense. This should be as close to a lock as it comes so here’s what you do. Take out that 2nd mortgage, sell a kidney and use that kid’s college fund here. You gotta play big to win big!

*Deuce of Davenport is only doing this column for entertainment purposes only, you’d be a fool to actually follow any of this advice and/or these picks. We accept no responsibility for anyone actually gambling with these picks.

The inevitable crackdown on Twitter use by NFL players and personnel has begun with the Packers and Dolphins banning use of it from “pre-game warmups to the end of the game”. Similar bans elsewhere have created stupid situations such as in San Diego. Antonio Cromartie was fined $2500 for twittering about the Chargers’ “nasty food” and wondering if it prevented the Chargers from making it to the Super Bowl the past couple years. As with most things Norv Turner does, Cromartie isn’t impressed.

“But other than [the amount of the fine], I mean, I ain’t going to take back what I said,” Cromartie said after practice Tuesday afternoon. “I said what I had to say. But at the end of the day, I mean, I got fined for talking about nutrition and that. I can’t really say too much else.

“I didn’t think it would cause a stir like I did, but me being me, I think I’m going to keep my mouth shut from here on out,” he said. “I ain’t going to say nothing else. I want to make sure I keep everything positive. Obviously, I mean, I can’t really say what I really want to say. My freedom of speech has actually been taken away.”

No justice, no peace. Turner has banned Twitter use in the building and as well as criticizing the team on the social network.

Shawne Merriman, on the other hand, thinks the whole situation is hilarious.

Merriman also has gems such as

Ok lets make a deal if all yall pitch in a dollar ill tweet more they handing out fines like free turkeys on thanksgiving ya dig?

or

Yea you can be tough alllllll you want to but the first time you get hit for a $2500 fine my name goes from LightsOut to just switch lol

He also realizes the impact a fine this large will have players like Cromartie.

“That’s steep man. That’s half a new set of rims or something. Those had better be some powerful words and they better be reaching a lot more than the 40,000 people I have right now.”

I believe Black Moon would call that Powerful Impak (language NSFW). Boom from the cannon if you will. It’s a good thing players like Chad Ochocinco continue to keep it real on the interwebs. It shouldn’t be too hard for Cromartie and Merriman to stay a step ahead of Norville. Most of the NFL already does.

The NFL season is underway with fans across the nation frothing at the mouth for every last bit of news about their favorite teams, heading out to training camps in the July heat and stocking up on stupid, insane memorabilia that they think proves their loyalty to a team and league which cares only about the money they give them. Which brings me to this…there are some NFL products out there that I know the vast majority of people out there would never buy…ever. I make no apologies for my love (hate) of the Washington Redskins, but that doesn’t mean I would buy anything with a logo slapped on it. I have a couple t-shirts, a coffee mug and a jersey for the late Sean Taylor…thats it. Does anyone need more? There is a whole lot of crap out there and we’re gonna show you the worst of the NFL merchandise that you can purchase for this upcoming football season:

The NFL $3000 Purse:
I honestly cannot believe I just wrote that but there are three thousand dollar NFL licenced purses that you can buy that feature over 5,300 Swarovski crystals to give them all sorts of bling. My mouth is agape. Although if that purse is too pricey, you can always pick up the $2449 football shaped Swarovski crystal purse. Yes, that is far more practical.

The NFL Office Chair:
I’m not sure what office you work in, but mine does not allow me to spend $400 on an office chair just because it has the team colors and logo of my favorite franchise. While I am sure it’s plenty ergonomic, this is just an utter waste of resources here. The office manager would be throwing a fit when I tried to write this off…and by office manager, I mean the woman I live with who would force me to sleep in that chair because I spent $400 on it instead of say, a new comforter set for our bed.
The NFL Boiler:
A fucking boiler? Is there no limit to what the NFL will license it’s name out to? Jesus Christ. The last thing I want to think about when I’m cooking up a pot roast is how my team is going to cope with a 2 game losing streak…oh wait, its not even made for cooking! If you look at the description, this is just a glorified copper basket. You’re supposed to use it for firewood or to fill with ice for your favorite beverage…for $199. Shit, for 200 bucks, this thing better start the fire, cook me dinner and hand me my favorite beverage.

The NFL “Creepiest Sleeping Bag Ever“:
“Ya sure, I’ll be in bed in a sec hon, I’ma just gonna to check on lil’ Brett…AH JESUS CHRIST! Lil’ Brett, what da hell are ya doin’ tah your sleeping bag???” Yea this thing isn’t creepy. When I have kids, I want them all to cuddle in bed next to their favorite Packer…not named Mark Chmura. As a side joke, the bag is not waterproof, insert your own here.

The NFL Watch:
Personally, I have no hesitation in dropping $1500 on a watch made by a company that I’ve never heard of, just so long as it has the official NFL seal of approval. That means it’s quality right there. Screw Tag or Rolex or Breitling, NFL is tha shit son. Everyone I know will be jealous of my fifteen hundred dollar watch with gold accents (ACCENTS?) and ceramic dial (CERAMIC???) not to mention the diamonds at the 12, 3, 6 and 9 time marks. Oh yea…bling bling son, bling bling.
NFL Pool Chlorinators:
Well this is just logical isn’t it?

The NFL “We Don’t Support Any Religion But Christianity” Advent Calendar:
Lest thee wonder which religion is the official religion of the NFL, wonder no longer.
The NFL Cufflinks:
When I rock a fine suit, the first thing I want people to see when they see me is what NFL football team I root for. Hell yea! This will be perfect for the next office party.

NFL Autographed Ryan Leaf Photo:
Yea, that was a little mean.

Yes, that’s right, you too can own a piece of NFL playoff history, immortalized in plastic, with McFarlane Toys LaDanian Tomlinson “sittin on tha bench scowling cause I cant play” action figure! Look at the detail in that scowl, the slight pout in the lips, he just wants to get in the game so bad, but that knee just won’t let him! Get yours today Chargers fans!

From Toys R Us via Kissing Suzy Kolber (saw they had this after we posted)

The NFL playoffs start this weekend and we at the Deuce cannot be more excited. The playoffs are a time when we can actually watch every game on television and see the best of the best duke it out for a chance at the championship. The only beverage one should be consuming during this festive time is, of course, beer. So lets take a look at the 12 NFL playoff teams and the beer that best represents the cities/states/districts they are in. If you can actually find all 12 of these near you, get them, and drink them all this weekend with their corresponding games.

lets start out with the NFC…

Dallas Cowboys
Shiner Bock
A somewhat decent beer but a poor imitation of an actual German Boch beer. Sorta what you’d expect a Cowboys fan to drink since its from Texas and Texans love all things Texas and think that Texas is better than the rest of the union let alone the world…but we all know it isn’t and neither are the Cowboys. It tries to be classier than most American macrobrews but in reality its not that much different than the rest. Easy to go down and more flavorful than most macrobrews but when compared to all beers out there, its not that special at all. Drink it cold from a tap and you probably will do fine for yourself.

Green Bay Packers
Miller Lite
Yes, we all know this beer. This is the beer you graduated to after you totally realized that Milwaukee’s Best and PBR sucked ass…in high school. This is your college beer and hopefully you don’t drink it anymore because once you left school you had money and could afford a real beer. But if you do drink it, you know what to expect. Virtually no flavor, goes down like water, takes a lot to get you drunk but allows you to do a nice slow burn to total unconsciousness with enough effort. You have to drink an equal amount of beers as years Brett Favre has played in the NFL to really get your evening going…and you will.

Seattle Seahawks
Red Hook ESB
Now this is a classier beer here. Not a major brewer, its made in Washington, which means they can actually take the time to make a more complex beer since its not in super mega ultra mass production. Has a sweet and hoppy flavor and pours a copper/orange color and will satisfy you for a nice long evening of drinking. Its a good beer, typical of the Pacific Northwest breweries and Seattle fans should be proud to drink this beer, but like the team, it beat out a weak field to get this distinction.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Bud Light
They dont really brew much beer in Florida. There is the Florida brew company but I cant say I’ve ever had their beers or heard of it. When I think of Tampa Bay I think of one thing, stripclubs. For my strip club dollar there is only one beer I drink. Bud Light. Nothing goes better with that strip club stank than a nice watery beer that won’t get you so drunk that you’d do anything stupid in the club…and won’t cost you an arm and a leg with the strip club’s beer tax added on to it. Plus Jeff Garcia’s wife is a former Playboy playmate which means she stripped naked on at least one occasion. So cheers Tampa fans, drink your Buds with shame heavy in your heart. You are a town of strip clubs and strippers and your beer reflects you.

New York Giants
Brooklyn Lager
The unofficial beer of NYC and for good reason, this beer is a little gem of the US microbrewery world and a pretty good lager. Great complex flavor, full body, its an excellent example of how a lager should be made but something is missing, its still not an amazing beer, just a good one. Add it all up and its above average, much like the Giants. Has all the pieces to be a very good beer, but something is still missing to make it stand out above the entire league. Sure it looks good in its division, even its conference, but its not about to win the championship anytime soon.

Washington Redskins
Dominion Ale
Washington DC doesn’t really have a brewery to call its own, at least not an operating one, but due to its close proximity to Virginia and Maryland the city does have a few beers to choose from which it can adopt as its own. For this exercise I guess we’ll choose the old standard, Dominion Ale brewed right near Redskins HQ in Ashburn, VA. Its another quality microbrew with all sorts of flavor that sits on your mouth for awhile. Like the Redskins you don’t know exactly how good it is until its finished.

and now for the AFC…

New England Patriots
Sam Adams Boston Lager
I mean, can there be another beer to choose for this team? This beer was at one time critically acclaimed but has since kinda sold out to become quite corporate and mass produced which is quite obviously shown in its flavor. Like the Patriots, the beer’s acclaim is a bit tainted with controversy, no it wasn’t a videotape scandal, but a ballot stuffing scandal at the Great American Beerfest where it won best beer in America many times a bit suspiciously.

Indianapolis Colts
Three Floyds Dark Lord Russian Imperial Stout
Indiana also doesn’t have a lot of breweries, but one of the beers this state produces is widely considered one of the best in the world. It is thick with what seems to be a thousand different flavors hitting the mouth at once. Coffee, molasses, malt, chocolate, fruits, wood, nuts, hops all come to tongue and mind when drinking this beverage. It is truly one of the best beers created anywhere at anytime. The Super Bowl champion Indianapolis Colts (for another month at least) should be watched and savored with this beer along side. Get it while you can though, its not around much and who knows when it’l be back.

San Diego Chargers
Arrogant Bastard Ale
This beer, like the Chargers, could be one of the best beers in its league but it isn’t. Actually some of the other Bastard beers are actually far better, but this one just gets around a lot more. Anyway, its got quite a rich flavor and you wont be disappointed drinking it. The same can’t be said for watching the Chargers, one week they look unstoppable, the next week they get stopped. If it weren’t for their arrogant bastard GM switching coaches last year they might be taken a lot more seriously. Sure no one has won with Marty, but NO ONE wins with Norv.

Pittsburgh Steelers
Iron City Beer
Now this is a craptacular beer in the Milwaukee’s Best vein of beers only somehow different and in my opinion worse. You know what you’re getting with this beer though, its a working man’s beer, nothing complex to think about with it as you just pound it and get it over with. There is no finesse here which is a perfect comparison to the Steelers game. They run it, they use play action, they have fundamentally solid defense. You know what you’re getting and they give it to you. Sometimes, that’s all a guy can want.

Jacksonville Jaguars
Natural Light
Again, the lack of Florida beers makes this difficult. So, because David Garrard might not be effective for the first round of the playoffs with his ankle and the crappy Steelers field might slow them down, I feel like this team is a bit watered down from what it could be. Jacksonville as a city is the most populated one in the state and one of the most populated cities in the country, but no one considers it a real city. All of that put together is like what I think of Natural Light. It sells a lot, but its not really a real beer, its quite watered down so it tastes like beer water. Its just pure nastiness and while it is technically beer, it really isnt. Its just suck in a can.

Tennessee Titans
Steel Reserve 211 High Gravity
Like a few other teams, this team’s state has no beer to call it’s own and since I’ve never been there, I’m just going to have to pick one so Steel Reserve it is. Why? Well because this beer is horrendous but it gets the job done. Luckily its sold in 40 ounces and once you get halfway through the bottle you cant even taste it anymore since your body’s natural defense mechanisms kick in and save you from having to suffer through it anymore…but MAN will it get you shit-faced. What I am saying is, like the Titans, its shit, but it works.