Salted Meats Archives
Rubbed down with spices or beat with a 8-inch sausage? Potato, Potahto. Let’s call the whole thing off.
We can’t do this story justice so we’ll just give it to you straight, no chaser.
FRESNO, Calif. — A stranger broke into a home east of Fresno, rubbed spices on the body of one of two men as they slept and used an 8-inch sausage to whack the other man in the face and head before he fled, Fresno County sheriff’s deputies said Saturday.
Lt. Ian Burrimond said a suspect was found in a nearby field and taken into custody. Deputies, he said, had no problem linking a suspect to the crime: “It seems the guy ran out of the house wearing only a T-shirt, boxer shorts and socks, leaving behind his wallet with his ID.”
Arrested was a 22-year-old Fresno resident.
The spices and the sausage, Burrimond said, were taken from the victims’ kitchen.
He said money that had been taken was recovered, but the sausage was discarded and eaten by a dog. “That’s right, the dog ate the weapon,” Burrimond said.
I don’t know how they get down in Fresno but if this is the regular, it’s no wonder David Carr is so gun-shy. I’d hate to go to sleep wondering if I’ll make it through the night without being assaulted with food. However if I have to be thrashed with food, I prefer the pig and salted meats above all others.
Since we didn’t give you the visual hotness this story deserves and Metropolitan Seafood refuses to have the cow, lobster and chicken carry the pig on their shoulders, we give you Straight, No Chaser by the Thelonious Monk Quartet live from Paris, 1969.