Not to take anything away from Nicolas Anelka who scored four goals against AC Milan in the Railway Cup this past weekend but his job wasn’t too difficult. There are numerous examples of the proper way to play goal and defend. Then there are examples of everything you shouldn’t do in either position. AC Milan decided to roll with the latter.

Happy Uncle Roman. That’s what I want to see.

You won’t after reading about how Avram Grant was more nervous than his players before the Champions League finals against Manchester United.

Will Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich stop at nothing to rule the world of soccer? £80M for Messi? What would he pay for Wayne Rooney?

The Deuce has exclusive footage of Uncle Roman trying to tap up Wayne Rooney. This clip also shows that you can’t leave Sven Goran-Eriksson in a room alone let alone with a secretary.

You can’t blame Sir Alex for being so pissed at this blatant effort to steal his player.

It’s been a while since we’ve been to cougar country and since we’ve had a soccer roundup so without further ado, let’s go hunting for MILFs and news from the world of futbol.

The MLS Is Hot Hot Hot, Hot For Beckham

It seems as though there’s nothing the MLS won’t do for Beckham. They’ll let him play when he wants. Travel as he wants. It wouldn’t be a surprise to know that Don Garber and Alexi Lalas are required to suck him off on command.

Reports are surfacing that Beckham has the right to buy the Galaxy after his contract ends in three years. 60 Minutes will report on Sunday that the option was given to him as well as his manager, Simon Fuller. Fuller, in addition to being Goldenballs’ manager, is also the creator of Pop Idol which is the father of American Idol.

Don’t be surprised if Landon Donovan’s wife is part of the option as well. It’s not like he would do anything about it expect bitch, moan and cry while running back to his house with his hands at his sides. “It’s just like Leverkusen!”

Everton Adopts The Kitchen Sink Approach

Hillary Clinton isn’t the only one out there to resort to the kitchen sink approach while on the ropes. Everton is desperately trying to lock down 4th place in the Premiership. Plan X: 7-year old Harry Yates.

Finishing in the top four means Champions League football next season and the additional millions that will come from competing in the competition. Yates is a keeper which has to make current Everton and US keeper Tim Howard nervous.

Drunk Me Up Woman, I’m Going In

It would be nice if today’s athletes had the same drive and dedication to their game as Norwich’s Matty Pattison. Pattison was worried about being late for practice so he hopped into his car and rushed to practice last Sunday morning. The problem was that he was only wearing his underwear, a t-shirt and shoes. It gets better as there was no practice that day. Oh almost forgot, he was also shitfaced from the previous night and was arrested for drunk driving.

Pattison, also known as “Party”, was arrested after being seen driving all over the road by cops. When he was arrested, he was “unsteady on his feet and slurring his words”.

A source at Norwich told the Mirror: “Matty is always out clubbing which is why he has got the nickname ‘Party’. It’s a shame he has a bit of a problem because he is a good player.”

Manager Glenn Roeder should lay off Party. He should be lucky that Party still wanted to show up in his state. Most of today’s athletes would have blown off practice or showed up late. That’s commitment. If Roeder recognized that, he’d probably have a job in the Premiership.

Newsflash: Avram Grant Doesn’t Know What He’s Doing

I would call Chelsea manager Avram Grant a donkey but that would be an insult to donkeys. At least they’re useful. Word seems to be getting out that he’s in over his head. Chelsea is still within sniffing distance of the league and Champions League in spite of his cluelessness.

Add Didier Drogba to the list of people who wonder what the hell Grant is doing. Like the rest of us who always ask “What the fuck are you doing?”, Drogba was asking the same question during Wednesday’s draw with Tottenham.

Sportsmail can reveal that the Chelsea striker approached a leading club official in the tunnel area at White Hart Lane and expressed his frustrations with the decisions that rocked the club’s title aspirations.

Drogba spoke to assistant manager Steve Clarke as the players left the field on Wednesday night and demanded to know ‘what was going on?’

That continued when he walked down the tunnel and he sought a leading club official for an explanation on how the club had ‘thrown away’ maximum points.

Hopefully Drogba will let us know if he finds out the answer to his questions especially the one about Joe Cole’s substitution. Grant’s tactics and substitutions continue to wreck Chelsea’s season. He’s cost the club two cups and now maybe a chance at the title.

Roman Abramovich needs to pull his head out of his ass and make some wholesale changes starting at the top if he wants to realize his goals for Chelsea. He needs to drop the yes men and clear out the dead weight in the changing room starting with Grant and players such as Claudio Pizarro, Andriy Shevchenko and Steve Sidwell among others.

No One Expects The Scottish Taliban

The War on Terror is working out just as well as the War on Drugs. The Taliban have now spread their sphere of influence to Scotland.

Celebrations for Scottish Third Division winners East Fife were ruined when police threatened to arrest a director after champagne bottles were popped on the pitch. The team was warned that it was illegal to have alcohol in glass containers in the stadium. They were told to remove them and the coppers stepped up like the Saudi moral police when the bottles reappeared.

“After the match, another of the guys brought the bottles out and began to celebrate Formula One style. One of the local bobbies took exception to it and said put it away or they would be arrested.

Well good thing they’re on the case. First the champagne comes out and next thing the town burns to the ground. Just wait until the cops make haggis start wearing burkhas because some people think it tastes good.

It’s been a while since we gave you a roundup and frankly we don’t care if you care. That’s a lie. We want to love us like a fat kid loves cake.

Let’s Be Havin’ Ya

Norwich director and majority shareholder Delia Smith has decided to take a back seat in club affairs. She’s handing control of the club over to Andrew and Sharon Turner.

Hopefully this means she’ll have more time to hype up the club like Flavor Flav.

Don’t change, babygirl.

Why Don’t I Shit On My Hand And Slap Myself While I’m At It

Why even bother having an award ceremony or contest? Why don’t American “soccer journalists” personally deliver the award to Landon Donovan’s house and hand it to him as they blow him?

Landycakes won the Honda Soccer Player of the Year Award for the fourth time. Yeah you read that right unless you’re Dexter Manley or Jason Kidd. He beat out Everton keeper Tim Howard and Fulham defender Carlos Bocanegra.

“I was a bit nervous driving in,” Donovan said. “It’s still exciting. It’s human nature I think to be excited.”

Go fuck yourself. You knew there was no contest.

Howard and Bocanegra put Landycakes to shame. They didn’t bitch out of Europe and run back to the US with their tail between their legs. They fought their way into starting positions with their teams. Not only do they play in more competitive leagues, they’re better players at their respective positions. Let’s not even mention Brian McBride (Fulham), DaMarcus Beasley (Rangers) and Clint Dempsey (Fulham) among others including others in the MLS who bring it every night as opposed to showing up for the Gold Cup and knocking in a couple penalties.

This is a slap in the face to American soccer and another reason why the game struggles for legitimacy. Instead of celebrating the players who bust their asses and actually make meaningful contributions as well as show up EVERY day, the American soccer illuminati can’t wait to bend over for Landycakes.

I can’t wait until he wins it again next year and acts surprised.

“E. Honda, keep humming on my balls. I love that shit.”

William Gallas Is Still A Bitch

So what’s new? Nothing.

Expect Errors and System Crashes In Seattle

Former Microsoft exec and Portland Jail Blazers owner Paul Allen has signed on to the Seattle MLS expansion team bid.

The Seattle group includes Sounders owner Adrian Hanauer and movie-studio executive Joe Roth, but the inclusion of the world’s 19th-richest man, according to Forbes Magazine, was confirmed by Allen’s First and Goal and Vulcan Sports and Entertainment groups Friday.

Allen has been interested in soccer for a while and was rumored to have been interested in buying English Championship side Southampton.

Seattle is rumored to be in the lead for one of the two planned expansion teams but no announcements have been made yet.

Oh Lawdy, Somebody Help Us

It looks like Chelsea manager Avram Grant may be sticking around a little longer than expected. Fuck.

I’ve been saying that owner Roman Abramovich needs to speak to the fans and explain his long-term vision for the club. Fans, including myself, are still a bit jittery over the loss of the Special One. It turns out he has been speaking to fans on the DL.

Haaretz reports that Abramovich sought out Chelsea supporters after Chelsea’s Champions League win in Valencia last week. He sent lackey Eugene Tenenbaum to round up fans and bring them to a bar to have drinks with the owner.

The small group of supporters were told it was time for Mourinho to go because the arrogant Portuguese manager had started to believe he was bigger than the club. And Abramovich told them they must trust Grant.

“I love Jose and will always love him because of what he did for Chelsea – but nobody is bigger than the club,” Abramovich reportedly told the fans. “I understand that you are upset he has gone but things had not been right for some while and the time was right for a change.

“I want you to trust me that Avram is the right man and he is a permanent appointment. There will be more additions to the coaching squad but Avram is here to stay.”

While the fans lucky enough to drink for free were happy to hang with Roman, none of them were convinced about the longevity of Grant.

“I don’t know if any of us were convinced that Avram Grant is going to be anything other than a stop-gap manager, but I think we left the hotel thinking that at least Roman cares what we think and is still totally committed to the club. “He speaks better English than he lets on and I don’t understand why he doesn’t front up in the media.”

I knew he could speak the English. Shady Russian oligarchs.

While the media and other football supporters may have doubted Roman’s love for the game and dedication to Chelsea, most Chelsea fans know he isn’t going anywhere unless polonium has something to say about it. The only question is whether he’s going to run the club into the ground or rebound with a long-term plan for success.

Let’s not even mention the addition of an Israeli marine who’s also a krav maga and demolition expert as fitness instructor. Let Robbie Savage or Paul Dickov start some shit now. It’s on like Donkey Kong.