Hats off for poor Roger Clemens. He sat in front of a battery-powered television in his mansion on Sunday to watch the Yankees pay tribute to their greatest players expecting to see himself included among the greats. D’oh. No Roger. He got nothing and didn’t like it.

“[Wife] Debbie and I held his hand while we watched the game, and he was heartbroken,” said [mother-in-law Jan] Wild, 70. “Not mad. He still loves baseball and the Yankees, but it was sad what they did to him.”

Hopefully his steroid-juiced heart won’t explode from the heartache. All we need is Suzy Waldman screeching like a chain-smoking banshee about the injustice of it all. Strangely Joe Torre was not included in the video tribute as well.

Now I didn’t watch a minute of the Yankee circle jerk on Sunday because the NFL immediately supersedes anything baseball-related. I also have no time for tributes to what really is a shit hole. Let’s be honest. Yankee Stadium is a dump. Good riddance. I mean it’s no Shea Stadium but it’s not the greatest sporting venue known to man. Some would have us think it’s more important that the Roman Coliseum.

You have to ask yourself one question. Do you feel lucky, punk? Well, do ya?

Yes. Yes I do.

Shit, guess I’m fucked.

Clint Eastwood is bringing the grizzly detective back one more time just to kill him off. We think this is a solid idea. We’re not opposed to seeing another Dirty Harry movie especially if we know it exists to give Harry a proper sendoff into the afterlife or to a dirt nap for all you atheists out there. More actors should consider a similar end for their characters. We’re looking at you, Sly. The world is begging for another Stop or My Mom Will Shoot or Judge Dredd 2: Electric Boogaloo. Rob Schneider needs a job soon before Deuce Bigalow becomes a documentary. Bonus points for Stallone if he kills off Dredd and his annoying sidekick.

The demise of Dirty Harry got us thinking. What if athletes resumed their careers just so they could go out in a blaze of glory? We tried to keep this to players are currently retired but no reason why it can’t involve active players. This probably won’t work but I’m not turning back now.

Michael Vick

Vick is released from jail and has to return to football in order to pay off his debts. He makes a team as a reserve running back only to be called into action as QB when the starter and backup both get injured. He throws for 275 yards and four touchdowns. He also runs for 89 yards and one touchdown. He becomes the new starter and his team makes a successful run to the playoffs. Vick wins Comeback Player of the Year. Meanwhile a cure for herpes is found and PETA forgives him for his past transgressions. Everything’s coming up Mexico. Vick invites his teammates to his modest house to celebrate their first-round bye. A neighbor in his cul-de-sac is washing his F-150 in his driveway. His dog jumps in the driver’s seat after smelling the Snausages his owner was eating under the seat. It inadvertently knocks the truck into drive. It rolls down the driveway and picks up speed on the decline. It flies onto Vick’s lawn and nails him just as he’s giving a toast proclaiming he’s king of the world again.

Mark Chmura

After several years out of the game and having to hear Brett Favre constantly go back and forth about coming back, Chewie decides to make his own comeback as a way to make people forget about his molestiness. He talks his way into a tryout with the Packers and somehow makes the team when every starting tight end in the NFL comes down with Ebola after a Oxfam charity trip to the Congo. The worst part is none of the Congolese know what the NFL is and keep asking the TE’s if they can give up Dikembe Mutombo’s number. Chewie’s contributions end up helping Aaron Rodgers and the Packers make the NFC Championship game. They win the game in overtime and Chewie shows up big time. He pays for some teammates to hit Acapulco with him to celebrate. While they’re down there, they get separated and he runs into a cute underage girl. He can’t resist the urge and convinces her to come back to his room with her. He makes them some drinks and the next thing he knows, he wakes up in a hot tub full of ice and missing a kidney. To top it off, he suffers frostbite and has to have his foot amputated.

Roger Clemens, Sammy Sosa, Mark McGwire, Barry Bonds

Roger Clemens comes back to some desperate team. Barry Bonds who just came back after finally being signed kills him with a line drive to the face only to then be killed by Mark McGwire who just came back and in a ‘Roid rage fit crushes his skull when Bonds fails to tag home base after a home run. McGwire is then killed by Sammy Sosa who just came back and injects McGwire with antifreeze because Miguel Tejada told him it will make him huge, who then kills himself by accidentally shooting himself while sneezing. Fin.

“He’s getting pummeled.” You think? Looks like Roger Clemens’ attorney Rusty Hardin has pulled his head out of his ass just in time. Huh? Oh…

Hardin made the statement in reference to the public beatdown Clemens is taking in the media for his alleged steroids use and affairs with broke-ass country singers, golfer’s wives, strippers, bartenders, penguins, etc.

“There hasn’t been any change in plans,” Hardin said. “Everybody keeps asking these questions. We’ll sit down and see what his views are.”

The decision on whether to drop the suit rests with Clemens.

“That’s always a decision the client has to make. That’s not the lawyer’s decision,” Hardin said. “I’ve never seen somebody get beat up like this. In some ways, I think we’re on uncharted ground.”

“That’s why you’re the judge and I’m the law-talking guy.”

How the hell did Hardin allow Clemens to go through with this defamation suit? This was a no-win from the start. Smooth of him to start separating himself from Clemens. This should go as well as Obama and Jeremiah Wright. We can’t wait until the Clemens’ press conference where he throws Hardin under the bus or jumps him like a seal on a penguin. Does that even work?

The NY Daily News is reporting that Roger Clemens had a 10 year affair with country music star Mindy McCready that started when she was just 15 years old. At the time Clemens was 28 years old and pitching for the Red Sox, with a wife and two kids. They are also reporting that Clemens denies their friendship was of a sexual nature, but admits that they were friends during that time period.

“He flatly denies having had any kind of an inappropriate relationship with her,” [Clemens attorney Rusty] Hardin said. “He’s considered her a close family friend. … He has never had a sexual relationship with her.”

Hardin said the Rocket’s wife, Debbie, knew McCready and that the singer had traveled on his plane.

Riiiiiight Roger. I know a ton of professional athletes that consider 15 year old girls to be close personal friends and allow them to fly on their personal planes all the time without having to give any sexual favors whatsoever. It’s practically standard practice in the MLB isn’t it? Isn’t it?? Anyway, if he was giving the bone to a 15 year old girl with stars in her eyes, the emotional damage that usually follows might explain some of the reasons why McCready is so messed up as a human being to this day. If you don’t know, McCready has quite a storied past including identity theft, assault and battery, DUIs, a drug overdose, a suicide attempt, and parole violation. She apparently is addicted to Oxycontin (an opiate) and served a year in jail for her parole violation. That’s her in a glamorous photoshoot mugshot there. Hottie fo’ sho’, well maybe she was when she was 15. Ew…lets not think about that.

Roger is sure gonna have some ‘splaining to do and more denials just isn’t cutting it. It’s tough to believe every single story that has been written about this guy has been wrong or misremembered or whatever. It just smells off to me, bad news is all around this guy lately. Say what you will about Barry Bonds, but at least there are no stories about that guy doing this to a girl.

From NY Daily News

Since Pope Benedict XVI has decided to come up with seven new sins out of freakin thin air, I think its only fair that someone should come up with a set of Seven Deadly Sins specifically geared towards the world of sport. Here goes nothin’ and may God have mercy on my soul:

1) Thou shall not get caught using performance enhancing drugs.
– See, its ok to use them, its ok to give them to your teammates, its ok to shoot them in other’s rear ends, its even ok that you sell them and supplement your already hefty income that was unjustly given to you because you aren’t naturally that good…just do not get caught doing any of it. Its the ultimate don’t ask, don’t tell, don’t get caught. Don’t get caught, and you’re a hero like Albert Pujols, not sayin’ just sayin. Get caught and you’re vilified…unless you’re Shawne Merriman.

2) Thou shall not get caught cheating
- Ok, so everyone cheats in sport. To paraphrase the famous quote is if you aren’t cheating you aren’t trying to win. If you get caught cheating however, you are found breaking the sin and of course the torches start getting lit and you begin a slow march towards execution.

3) Thou shall not create a rap/rock/blues/jazz/etc. album
- You are an athlete. You are not a musician. No one cares that you think you have talent besides playing a game. You don’t. Stop trying or you shall be mocked and ridiculed for all of eternity.

4) Thou shall use prophylactics when engaging in sexual behavior.
- For this, its ok to be a womanizer, it’s your birthright as the ultimate alpha-male, just do it right and don’t spread your seed. For every Shawn Kemp, Travis Henry (not his actual kids in the picture…least he doesn’t think they are) or Elijah Dukes that is spat on there’s a Wilt Chamberlain who does it right and is praised for it. Don’t be a dork, cover your pork.

5) Thou shall not get caught harming animals for fun.
- No one knows this rule better than Michael Vick, Tripp Isenhour, Pedro Martinez or Qyntel Woods. Pedro gets a bit of a pass because he did it in a country where its legal, but pretty much any athlete who does anything cruel to an animal meets a pretty unfortunate sports demise. The Lord looks down on those who harm the lesser species. We’ll see what happens with Pedro this season.

6) Thou shall not get caught gambling.
- Tim Donaghy, Pete Rose, Wayne Gretzky’s wife, Michael Jordan’s mysterious retirement for baseball all have some ties to gambling and all have never be the same. The easy solution is to wait til you’re out of sport like Charles Barkley here to publicly gamble away all your money. People find that kind of gambling far more light hearted, but if you do it while you’re active in sport you shall have a pall cast upon you…and you might get forced to run a team in Charlotte named after a guy called Bob for all of eternity.

7) Thou shall not beat on your lady, get caught, arrested, and have a mugshot taken like this
- Sports, by their nature, are very aggressive. It takes an aggressive person to participate at the highest of levels of sport. The problem some have is leaving that aggression on the field or court of play. Those who choose not to will forever be branded WIFE-BEATER and those scarlet 2 words will follow you until your death…Jason Kidd.