An alarming trend is increasing in English soccer. We’re not talking about roasting. That goes back to the days of the Magna Carta. We’re talking about players getting on the mic and thinking they have skills. We last brought you the manatee-ish warblings of Cristiano Ronaldo covering Julio Igelsias. Don’t worry, Man U fans. You still have Rio Ferdinand. He may be shit on the pitch lately but at least his skills on the mic haven’t faltered … Um never mind.
Fergie should bench him for this abomination. Never mind his crap form for United.
Speaking of Ronaldo, we can’t leave you without letting you know about his new collaboration. The Portuguese walrus of love is reportedly collaborating with Joe Jackson to put an end to George Foreman’s reign as the king of grills. The two are teaming up to release a line of grills shaped like soccer balls called “Goalie Grills”.
If there’s anyone who knows how to work a grill, it’s the guy pictured above. You know I could go with the boxer but I’m gonna go with the effeminate soccer player with the short shorts and pink shirt. Hopefully the grill plays his new jam whenever it’s opened. How long until your guests find a way to impale you with a spatula or spork?
Joe Jackson is claiming this story is true so it’s probably not since we haven’t heard from the tikka-tinged one. If this project is legit, it’ll end with Joe beating Ronaldo to a pulp. “Always be selling, fancy boy!” Tito will be in the corner crying, “That’s what daddy did to Michael when he took my syrup! Mama, make him stop!” while Katherine screams, “Joe, stop beatin’ that girl! Joe, stop beatin’ that girl!”*
American professional athletes are well known for their extravagance. Mike Tyson had his tiger and Gilbert Arenas has his bull sharks and a million dollar pool. European soccer players aren’t about to be left behind. They have the ends but unfortunately they’re lacking the vision. However ring-delivering owls could be a good start.
It’s tough to decide whether to clown Wes Brown or Rio Ferdinand. It depends on which unreliable British tabloid you choose to believe. The Sun and The Mirror respectively claim that the soon-to-be married players will have owls deliver rings to the altar Harry Potter-style during their wedding ceremonies.
Both papers claim that the owl will deliver the rings in a pouch and perch on the best man’s arm. Ferdinand’s owl has performed the stunt six times. There’s no word on Brown’s owl. Hopefully Ronaldo is his best man and the owl attacks him during the ceremony. The picture above shows the reaction of both players if something goes wrong and the owl loses it like a Connecticut chimp.
Far be it for us to leave without reminding you about another trend of athletes giving their children stupid names for stupid reasons. In case you forgot, Ferdinand has two sons named Lorenz and Tate.
“[Wife] Becky and I love the name Larenz Tate and couldn’t decide which one to go for. But now we have another child, we’ve got both the names.”
If he was going to name his kids after Tate, he should have used his name from The Postman. He could be the proud father of Ford and Lincoln. He’d have Mercury left over if he and the wifey decide to pop out another shorty in the future.
I was planning on naming my kids after Shirley Hemphill and Fred Barry. However my first born will be named after Jimmy Walker’s character in Let’s Do It Again. I can’t wait to bore you all with pictures of little Bootney Farnsworth Redonkulous. Mongo Slade will be followed by Biggie Smalls cause he’s the illest.
Greetings from the left coast. I finally made it out to LA after steam pipe explosions, cab drivers who wanted to perform the Hajj in their taxi, delayed flights, staying on hold for 25 minutes and screaming babies. Delta can shove a 737 up its ass sideways. Anyway, I’ll be bringing updates and pictures from today’s Chelsea closed practice as well as the Chelsea vs. Beckham-less Galaxy match on Saturday. In the meantime here’s your fix, Pookie.
Poor Goldenballs. All this pressure to save American soccer (as though there’s something to save) and his ankle won’t cooperate. There’s a good chance David Beckham will be held out of tonight’s MLS All-Star game vs. Celtic and the Galaxy’s match against Chelsea on Saturday due to an ankle injury. Of course, this would be a disaster for the MLS and ESPN who have hyped his debut to unsustainable levels. What would they say if it turned out his ankle wasn’t the real problem?