You know what’s better than toast? Mo’ toast and that’s how I beat Larry Holm’, Dabe Robenfeld.

Leave it to the MLS to introduce sponsors on jerseys in the US. It may be common everywhere else in the world but the top four professional leagues have managed to avoid advertising on jerseys until now. The NFL voted to allow teams to place sponsor logos on their practice jerseys back in March. Expect a bukkake-style explosion of ads before long as most teams will do anything to make a buck.

Zero Tolerance Entertainment thinks it can make the Houston Texans bend over for “several zeros” and place the company logo on their practice jerseys. Good luck with that. Zero Tolerance is best … well, only known for porn. You can find all your favorites such as Jenna Haze, Courtney Cummz, Rebeca Linares and the almost legit Sasha Grey. We’re not even going to link to their website but don’t front like you don’t know the address already. Fine, here’s the NSFW link. We can’t begin to tell you how NSFW this link is unless you work for Vivid. I just ordered Popporn: The Guide to Making Fuck. It was a no-brainer once I heard Gene Shalit makes dirty mustache love to it.

It’s safe to say the offer is a non-starter. The company issued a press release stating as much.

“Every team in the league starts the season by saying, that they’ll have Zero Tolerance for losing,” the company said. “While our offer may not be taken seriously, there is some undeniable synergy between the NFL and the name of our company.”

Zero tolerance for what? Fun? Self-expression? The name seems more appropriate for the NFL than the company. We’ve seen plenty of Zero Tolerance offerings and it’s pretty clear their talent will tolerate almost anything.

The Texans should do themselves a favor and consider the offer. The synergy between the Texans and the company starts and stops with the Sex Cannon. This could be a partnership for the ages especially barely 18.

It’s a new season and Lovie Smith has a new way of telling the Sex Cannon he’s not playing. Screw meetings. How about practicing the pre-game introduction and having Kyle Orton run out with the first team? It’s probably best that he get used to it now.

Who knows what volume of the Constitutional we’re at. Gotta be in the 20s I think. Anyway, the Deuce has gone through a little change over in look. Hope you kids all like it. Sadly we’ve been busy in our respective lives outside of the Deuce to post a ton lately. Mustafa’s got no internet in his new abode yet, Trapper doesn’t have time at all with his job, and myself, Chimp, have been busy with work and life all round. Excuses all around, but we’ll be back to normal this week with any luck to bring all of you some more stupid shit from our collective rounds on the net. For now…Welcome to the Constitutional.

• The top 20 Sports Blog posts of the year, so far…says these guys, which pretty much means nothing, but hey, we’re #13, go us. Juiced Sports Blog
• Zubaz are making a comeback…the world collectively shudders. Mr. Irrelevant
• 100% goes to the wayback machine for some truly awful athlete endorsements. 100% Injury Rate
• Sexy Rexy is BACK and the KSK guys couldn’t be happier. Kissing Suzy Kolber
• The cheesiest film tie-in I’ve seen in a long time. Awful Announcing
• Aubrey Huff is a laugh RIOT! Bugs & Cranks
• What is playing on Matt Millen’s IPod? The world wants to know. Ghosts of Wayne Fontes
• This just in…the Redskins break their fans hearts again. Hogs Haven

What used to be right is wrong. Stand at attention for the 21 Sex Cannon salute.

If I were Griese, I’d watch out for roofies at his next cookout. He doesn’t want to make sweet love to his driveway again and end up back on the bench.

We at the Deuce are big fans of drinking . We are also playing a bit of the fantasy football this year. I figured, the time has come to marry the two into a perfect union of football and alcoholism and create, the fantasy football drinking game. This game is sure to get you drunk as a skunk, so long as your team is actually good. If your team sucks, not only will you lose your fantasy game…but you’ll lose and still be sober, maintaining your normal sad outlook on this shitty world we live in. Its quite easy to pick up, and live scoring is a must here’s the rules:

• Every 10 yds RB/WR/TE = 1 shot/drink of beer
• TD scored = 1 pint/can chugged
• Every 20 yds QB = 1 shot/drink of beer
• INT/Fumble lost = 1 shot of liquor of choice
• X-point = SOCIAL! Everyone take 1 shot/drink of beer
• FG = 1 pint/can chugged (you shoulda scored a TD you pussy)
• Sack = 1 shot of liquor of choice
• Safety scored = 1 pint/can chugged
• Player ends game with a yardage amount ending in 9 (meaning you were 1 yard away from 1 more point) = 1 shot of liquor of your choice
• Player out of game due to injury/ejection = 1 shot of liquor of your choice
• Starting a player on a bye week = 1 pint/can chugged immediately, dumbass
• Start Rex Grossman = 1 shot of liquor of your choice (you will need it)
• Complain about not starting someone lighting up the scoreboard on your bench = 1 pint/can chugged…and quit your whining bitch!
• Rooting for a team going against your favorite team so you can score more fantasy points = 1 pint/can chugged (you don’t EVER root against your team)

Addendum: Game can be reversed if actual fantasy football opponent is in the room drinking with you. All team scoring actions are then switched to drinking when the other team scores points. That way if you lose at football, you will so drunk that you won’t remember your sad defeat…until the next morning when you’re hungover.

Got any more suggestions?