Americans like to think they’re the best at everything. We think we’re number one and everyone should just recognize and accept it. This is when reality kicks in. It’s a bitch sometimes. Europeans wipe their asses with our dollars and Australian athletes continue to run laps around Americans when it comes to drunken debauchery. We have our exceptions like our namesake, Lawrence Phillips and Eddie Griffin but they are few and far between.

Star rugby player Todd Carney is in deep shit…again. This time he’s in trouble for tearing up the club and pissing on a friend of teammate Dane Tilse during a post-match drinking marathon. He and teammate Bronx Goodwin, who assaulted two people outside the club, are in so much trouble that they may be cut by their team. They also could be prevented from joining another team by the NRL.

According to a witness at the hotel on Sunday night, Carney and Goodwin were “out of control” and “on the p… hard” before the incidents.

Tilse’s mate had come from interstate to watch the match, claimed the witness, who works at All Bar Nun. “The guy was in the toilet and Carney has just turned and [pissed] up and down his leg,” the witness said

Several other Raiders players attempted to calm the situation and apologise, but Carney and Goodwin – who allegedly harassed another patron – were removed by security from the pub about 10.30pm.

The pair apparently then went to the city centre where they attempted to gain access to Canberra Casino but were refused entry. “They were out of control,” the witness said.

Around midnight, the pair returned to the northern suburbs bar, which was closed, and were told the leave the area by security as people were waiting for taxis.

The witness said Goodwin then lashed out at another reveller who had nothing to do with the Raiders team – allegedly hitting him about five times in the face.

“The guy was hopping in the cab and he (Goodwin) smashed him. They were good hits, I felt sick in the guts, he copped a flogging,” he said. “Bronx smashed someone for no reason. Carney was being held back by a few of his sponsors.”

The sponsors were “feeding” Carney drinks and the two players became “too drunk”, the witness said. Neighbours said they heard “barking” in the street for about 20 minutes before the brawl occurred.

“It was like a real dog barking, but you could tell it was human,” a neighbour said. Carney was allegedly ejected from the same premises last weekend for “barking” at women, the witness said.

You hear that, Ray Lewis? Your bark is empty. Carney channels DMX because his bark is strong like drunken dingo.

The Daily Telegraph also notes that this incident is not the first time Carney’s gotten into it. Just last year he was involved in a police chase in Canberra. In 2006, he was arrested for drunk driving and had his license suspended for five years. Carney should come over here and try his luck in American football. He has much to offer the Bengals.

Oh well. Too bad Christmas is already gone. You might be able to squeeze in a Kwanzaa gift or wait until Chinese New Year. It’s never too early to start teaching your kids life lessons. Get them this gift that will help your little buckeroo learn how to act before every life event.

Soon to follow: An entire team dancing on a logo and the Late Hit/Personal Foul line.

It’s been a while since we’ve had a soccer roundup. Sorry for leaving you hanging like that. Didn’t expect you to be waiting here after all this time. Let’s do this.

Dominus Ominus. Run That Donerkabob!

First the Kurds and now the crosses. It seems like everyone’s against Turkey these days. Good thing people like the military and Fenerbahce are there to stand up for all the little Ataturkamanics out there.

A Turkish lawyer is demanding that UEFA rescind the three points Inter Milan took from Fenerbahce during the Champions League group stage because…Inter were wearing jerseys displaying a large red cross.

The shirt’s scheme saw a big red cross on a white background, a symbol of the city of Milan, and reminded many of an emblem of the order of the Templars, which is considered offensive in Islamic culture.

Inter consciously did not wear their ‘centenary shirt’ in their first match against Fenerbahce in Istanbul, but at home, they did not think it was necessary to do the same.

Basis Kaska, a European law expert, filed the official protest after the Turkish media and viewers raised a ruckus.

Inter has worn the centenary jersey on several occasions. They decided not to wear the shirt in Istanbul because it would be insulting but thought it wouldn’t be in Milan? Interesting. Mi scusi!

Sometimes The Jokes Write Themselves

Steven Gerrard. Liverpool. Dirty thieving Scousers. Home burglary.

Football365 put it best. Stereotypes makes things easy.

Come on down, $tevie Me! You’re the next Liverpool player to get jacked! Steven Gerrard is the sixth Liverpool player to be robbed while away on international or Champions League duty.

Gerrard’s WAG, Alex Curran was in the house along with another woman when they were confronted by burglars in hoods. The robbers made off with jewlery.

At this point, Ladbrokes should be taking wagers on the next Liverpool player to be jacked. It might be a little harder for thieves since England’s staying home during the international breaks. If the thieves are Liverpool fans (if…hah!), they’d rob the worst performing players to make them step their game up.

Where In The World Is Ray Lewis

There’s no way Ray Lewis could have taken Sunday night’s blowout loss to the Colts well. I know I was in a stabby mood by halftime. I mean how is it possible to score that many points in one quarter?? I digress.

If Ray Ray’s like me except with means, he would have gone to Rome to blow off some stea…..Wait it looks like he did. How do I know?

Five Manchester United fans were taken to hospital tonight and two Britons arrested following trouble ahead of the Champions League tie with Roma at the Stadio Olimpico. Manchester-based police initially confirmed they had received reports of three supporters being stabbed but the number requiring medical assistance rose even though there was nowhere near the same scale of violence that scarred the last meeting between the two teams in April. The precise extent of the injuries sustained in the trouble has not been verified.

That’s how I know.

United ended up drawing 1-1 with Roma. They’re through to the knockout stages while Rangers shamed Scotland by losing 3-0 to Lyon in a must-win match.

And Who Would That Be, Tommy? Ze Austrians?

Not if the Austrians have anything to do with it.

You’d think Austria would be all excited and shit about hosting Euro 2008 especially since the English and their cultured, respectful fans won’t be in attendance. However this isn’t the case.

They do want to co-host the tournament with Switzerland. They’d just prefer it if their national team didn’t participate. As a matter of fact, they’d like the people to make sure it doesn’t happen by signing a petiton which states the following:

Dear football fans!

Your entering this site is no coincidence.
It means you care about attractive football.
It means you appreciate a blind pass that actually reaches its destination.
It means you thoroughly enjoy amazing dribbling skills.
It means you jump for joy when a free kick is expertly bent into the far corner of the goal.
In short: it means you love this great sport for the sheer beauty of it.

However, it also means you fall into a dismal state of depression when watchimg a match featuring the Austrian national football team.
For all those displays of true skill, on a field taken by our team, occur about as frequently as meteorite impacts.
This cannot be blamed on anyone.

Even though we have spent twenty years buying ageing stars, even though wealthy patrons supply one of our clubs with several times their usual budgets only to be rewarded with a fraction of their success of lore, even though twenty-six-year-olds who barely stumble through their second match playing for foreign second-league clubs are discovered as incredibly promising new talents and immediately ordered into the national team – nothing so far has helped.

It cannot be denied: the performance of the Austrian team is an insult to your sense of aesthetics as well as to what you expect from this sport. Their participating in the EURO 2008 is to you a contradiction in itself. We understand.

By signing this Petitionyou urge the Austrian Football Association (Österreichischer Fußballbund; OEFB) to voluntarily resign from participating in the EURO 2008.
Austria was once a country with a keen sense for aesthetics. „…a people gifted for beauty“, as a verse of our national anthem states – an anthem our players barely manage to stammer along to, as they palefacedly contemplate yet another grueling encounter with the ball and the opponent.

We want to show the world that we still embrace beauty. And at the same time, we want to do something that is as alien to our people as the names of our strikers are to foreign football experts: To show some dignity!

It’s hard to argue with that.

Thanks to RH for the tip.

Sex Shrek

Memories…

60% of the time, it works every time? Please, we’re talking 80% here.

Step aside, Sex Panther. Wayne Rooney has a new scent that’s going to be illegal in 13.5 countries. It’s called Sex Shrek. It’s too much for just cologne. It’s going to be the signature scent in a new line of toiletries being launched by Rooney. The line will also include a shower gel and deodorant.

It’s expected the line will be a success. A focus group of 300 over-50 hookers was used and 80% can’t be wrong.

There’s been quite a bit of back and forth about the killing of Sean Taylor this past week. The Deuce has certainly had a lot to say about as have blowhards like Michael Wilbon and Len Shapiro. In our haste to find some sort of logic or explanation behind Taylor’s death, we seem to have forgotten where the focus should lie. Thankfully, we have Ray Lewis for that.

“I understand the magnitude of this game with the Patriots and everything coming in, but the bottom line is, I was more than a friend to Sean Taylor. I was someone he definitely looked up to, and bottom line, it’s unfortunate that situations happen like this. When they do happen like this, some things pull you away from everything else that everybody else wants you to worry about. This right here is life. It doesn’t change. Life is, once it’s gone, it’s gone.

“For me, as a man, there’s a lot that, as a man, I’m going through right now. That I have to ask God for my strength and my faith, to keep pushing on through life, and keep encouraging young men to do the right things here and there. To think about anything else, really, outside of trying to find a way to really deal with my personal feelings, I think it would be very selfish of me to even try to comment on anything without trying to create something that I probably would be making up.

“As a man, I would just ask for you guys, sympathy just to understand that right now is a very challenging time. Not just for me, for the University of Miami family, everybody. You don’t lose a 24-year old kid with that much promise in life like this, it makes you take a step back. For me, it made me take a huge, huge step back. To ask God, what is it that you want me to do, what is it that you want me to stop being selfish about, and things like that.

“If anything, the game is going to take care of itself. I’m just going to get through this weekend, hopefully help a lot of my teammates get through this week as well as a lot of the Hurricane family. We’re just going to go from there. “

I have an idea what you can stop being selfish about. Who’s this supposed to be about now? Oh yeah, what’s his face. I know who I want around when I suffer a personal loss.

“Yeah man, that’s some tough shit you’re going through and you gotta ask God about that but see man, I’m hungry and I gotta eat. My stomach is killing me. You gonna finish that? Yeah, I didn’t think so. Why don’t you ask me about how I’m doing? Brother, I feel pain too but I’m doing something about it. You should too.”

Ray Ray’s usually my boy but a little thought for Taylor’s family might be more appropriate at a time like this. I’m sure he has plenty of other people that look up to him like Ed Reed, OJ Simpson… Damn, I said I wouldn’t go there.

Oh I just got off the phone with God. I know what he wants you to do. He wants you to make better BBQ and rip Tom Brady’s dreamy head off on Monday night.

After that 38 to 7 raping that the Steelers gave the Ravens, Ray Lewis tried to put a positive spin on the game. “It ain’t hard to correct what’s wrong. Just don’t turn the ball over and make people beat us,” linebacker Ray Lewis said. “They got the ball four times inside the 30. You can’t do that and play championship football.”

Losing like this must make Ray long for the good ole days, like when he won a super bowl. Sadly, even that was a bitter victory since Trent Dilfer went to Disney World and not he even though he got the Super Bowl MVP. That snub did open the door for this, he had his own Disney cartoon movie. Oh you missed that? Well enjoy…

What a classic SNL TV FunHouse skit…