Hill-Murray School football coach Mark Mauer was busted in a prostitution sting last week. He’s also the cousin of the Minnesota Twins catcher Joe Mauer. The best part about this story is his excuse after getting arrested.
According to the police report, Mauer arrived at the hotel about 7:30 p.m. and met with a female undercover officer. Mauer verbally agreed to pay the woman $100 for a half-hour of “full service,” the report said.
Mauer then told the woman he left his money in the car and had to go get it, police said. He was arrested when he left the room. When questioned, Mauer reportedly told police he was just “messing around” and didn’t intend to return to the room.
According to the report, Mauer said “he has done this a couple times in the past, where he calls women and then leaves without doing anything.”
Police said he had with him $100 and a bottle of unmarked pills that Mauer said were Viagra, a prescription drug used to treat impotence.
“Go and wait for me in the big bed.” Silvio Berlusconi, Italy’s 72 year old corrupt clown of a prime minister and owner of AC Milan is quickly becoming one of our favorite people to follow. Berlusconi (or Papi as the hoes call him) is under fire for flying models and prostitutes in from all over Italy and throwing parties at his house. He’s also in trouble for taking an 18 year old girl to school in the biblical sense. He calls himself her “little daddy teacher”. Does his limo turn into a gelato truck at 2:30 PM or whenever Italian kids get out of school? That’s worse than robbing the cradle. That’s robbing the uterus.
If you feel like fucking, well come on. It’s up to you! Actually it isn’t if you’re staying in Swaziland during next year’s World Cup in South Africa. The Swazi police took time out from finding new teenage wives for the king in order to ban prostitution thanks to a law that’s been on the books since the 1800s.
All is not lost for our soccer fans cum sex tourists.
“During the 2010 World Cup tournament, we are expecting tourists from all walks of life,” [Bongani Dlamini, a spokesman for the local organising committee] said. “After we have taken a decision on prostitution, we will then make a statement or even advise the tourists accordingly.
“For example, when a tourist who needs the services of a sex worker arrives and finds that prostitution is prohibited, we will advise him accordingly that he has to propose for love to a Swazi girl first and then consent for sex.”
“Yeah whatever. Sure I love you. Now take off your shirt.” If that’s all it takes to get some Swazi love for the night, I’ll go one step further in taking it back to the old school. A guy I knew in college used to ask his hookups if they wanted a pizza then bail after the deed. Hookers take pizza in lieu of cash, right? A Domino’s Pizza has to be worth more than 100,000,000 Swazi Lilangeli. Oh wait, that’s Zimbabwe. Imagine if I gave her Little Caesar’s. Two pizza pizzas? Two chicks at the same time. Beautiful.
Former Phoenix Suns PG Kevin Johnson is running for mayor of Sacramento. Magic Johnson has a real estate empire including a bunch of movie theatres in the hood and pretends to have the AIDS. Charles Oakley feels left out so he’s decided to make his name in the world of cooking.
The former Knick enforcer has already taped three episodes, one featuring John Starks, where his former teammate cooked Oak’s fried chicken and macaroni salad, pasta and sausages, and smothered steak and rice. Ingredients for Oak’s beef short ribs in cinnamon wine sauce include 18 beers and two or three Cuban cigars, and the directions begin, “Drink 10 beers.”
The Oak should continue to have special guest stars show off their culinary skills. Sam Perkins should appear to make his Mary Jane Marsala. Oliver Miller can show off his lard-infused bacon rolls. Set your DVR for Stephen Jackson’s Strip Club Snapper and Andray Blatche’s Hooker Hanger Steak.
Oakley should have no problem making his mark. If Rachel Ray can do it, he can do it. We haven’t seen Cafe Oakley yet but it has to be better than this:
When will the bad times end for AC Milan and Brazil striker Ronaldo? Once he was almost the greatest soccer player in the history of the universe. Now he’s fat, gimpy and getting rolled by trannies.
Ronaldo was questioned by police in Sao Paulo after being caught with transvestite hookers in a motel room. He claimed the bitches set him up (Marion Barry would be proud) and tried to extort money out of him. He was unaware that the hookers were trannies until they got to the hotel but he was aware that they were prostitutes.
[Police inspector Carlos Augusto] Nogueira said the altercation began when Ronaldo found out he was dealing with transvestites instead of women. The inspector said Ronaldo admitted he knew they were prostitutes when they met earlier Sunday night but did not realize they were transvestites until they got to the motel.
“He admitted to everything, he wanted to have fun,” Nogueira said. “But he committed no crime at all, it was immoral at best.”
…The AC Milan striker told police he offered to pay the transvestites anyway, but before he left one of them allegedly asked for $30,000 to hide the story from the media.
The prostitutes claimed Ronaldo also asked for drugs but he denied this in a statement to Globo TV.
Prostitution isn’t a crime in Brazil so Ronaldo isn’t in trouble with the law.He must be happy that he won’t be going back to Milan in the near future. AC Milan owner, Italian prime minister and all-around buffoon Silvio Berlusconi probably ordered him to use hookers to keep his cardio up while rehabbing his knee.
