Last week we went a lame 6-7-2, losing the upset special and winning the lock of the week.  Of course, things could’ve changed if i was allowed to pick the ‘Skins and and change my Patriots bet to New Orleans which I did later in my own personal action, but you gotta roll with what ya got, and what I’ve got is an overall record of 92-74 with 2 pushes.  My locks of the week are now 7-5 and my upset specials are 5-7.  Quite a mirror image there.  We know we can do better though and we strive for perfection this week, lucky 13.  Shall we get on to the picks?  As always, all lines are from TheGreek. Hot cheerleader is Melissa from the Atlanta Falcons. Scroll to the bottom if you want to skip to the Upset Special and the Lock of the Week.*

DENVER -5 at Kansas City

Starting off with a real winner here, eh?  I am liking Denver to win this one easily by 5 points, especially after seeing what they did last week against New York, beating them by 20.  When Orton is healthy and playing for this Broncos squad they seem to always have a chance and their defensive shortcomings shouldnt get exposed too much against this Chiefs squad.  Take the Broncos here easy.

As a side note, I just spilled water all over myself.  Whenever I drink any other beverage but water, I take my time with it, taking small enough gulps so that nothing spills out too fast from whatever lip of whatever glass I am drinking from…but not water.  With water, the rules of drinking go by the wayside.  I will throw my head back and chug that bitch down like I’ve been wandering in the Mojave desert for 3 days. If it spills on me, meh, its just water, it’l dry and it’l be like nothing happens.  Normally this isnt too much of an issue, except when I do it at work and I have to hide out in my office until my shirt or pants dry from the water I was splashing on myself.  No, i’m not sweating, no, its not pee.  Just water.  Anyone else do this?  Can’t just be me drinking with such reckless abandon.

Oakland at Pittsburgh OVER 37

I hate the large line on this game.  Who knows what Big Ben’s head is gonna be like in this game?  Who knows how Gradkowski will do against the Steelers D?  Who know how well the Steelers will perform without Polamalu yet again?  I don’t know any of this.  So, personally, I would stay away from this like a $2 beer night in Georgetown.  But, if you must be a douche and go, then just take the Over.  37 seems low, like they are daring you to make this bet.  Well, take the dare, you’re a douchebag anyway since you’re in georgetown drinking bud lite for 2 bucks, you might as well go home with the ugly girl that is just daring you to dance with her.

HOUSTON +1 at Jacksonville

Both of these teams are pretty middling teams in the NFL at 5-6 and 6-5 respectively.  The Titans are in the midst of a 3 game skid and what looks to be another mediocre season, the Jaguars are coming off a loss of their own and are just as average  Each team has a star on it with Andre Johnson and Maurice Jones-Drew playing the role of offensive superstars.  So who to choose?  Well i am taking the Texans here.  My analysis? I have none…but that was a nice little lead-up to absolutely nothing huh?  Toss a coin here, you could do worse.  Take the Texans, get some odds.

PHILADELPHIA -5 at Atlanta

Philly has lost one of their young wide receivers, but another will just sprout up to take his place.  It wasn’t so long ago that Philadelphia had no actual talent at wide receiver, now between Jackson, Avant and Maclin they don’t even need former starters Reggie Brown and Kevin Curtis…well with Jackson down this week, Brown and Curtis will have to step right in.  The Falcons will be without Matty Ice this week after he fucked over countless fantasy teams last week going out after throwing for 15 yards with what was described as “a toe”.

You never want to see your fantasy football season end in week 12 because your quarterback had a toe injury.  Its not like Ryan runs around that much, they have a decent line, why does he need a fully functioning toe?  Is he throwing the damn ball with his toe?  He isn’t a kicker or punter, and, as a matter of fact, they don’t even kick with their toes.  If this was 20 years ago Matt Ryan would’ve cut the toe off and just kept playing a la Ronnie Lott and his finger lo’ these many years ago.

But I guess ya cant go back.  Anyway, Chris Redman is starting and while he played well last week, I dont trust him as far as Matt Ryan’s toe will take him on a walkabout.  I’m taking the Eagles here.

Detroit at CINCINNATI -13

The Bengals’ offense is not that impressive right now.  Their line stinks and they’ve been asking Palmer to do too much lately with no help besides the impressive Ocho Cinco.  Luckily, they’re getting back Cedric Benson this week and should be able to move the ball on the ground against the lowly Lions.  These Lions are banged up, did you see Calvin Johnson try to move last week?  They say he’s alright this week but my 88 year old grandma has more git-up-n-go in her step than him.  Stafford is not well either.  So you have an injured star receiver, a hurt rookie quarterback and a running back that is average in all ways with average defense and a bad offensive line.  Yup, looks like they might not win another game this year. Congrats to them though, they are 2 games better than last year.  Take the Bengals here.

NEW ORLEANS -9.5 at Washington

Some weeks I actually want to take my Redskins in some sports betting action, but I don’t because I cannot be a homer gambler anymore.  Regardless, this week is not one of those weeks.  New Orleans is going to face rape the Redskins.  It is going to happen and it won’t be pretty.  Bangbus wouldn’t even film this.  I am not even sure if I am going to watch this game.  Take New Orleans…do not look directly at the television set…just read the box score later.  It’l be alright someday Redskins fans.

Tampa Bay at CAROLINA -6

Carolina is starting untested Matt Moore at quarterback, Tampa Bay is starting slightly tested Josh Freeman at quarterback.  This is like the futures game of the week in the NFL.  I’m going with the total unknown here, he’s got a decent running game and a somewhat solid defense to fall back on while Freeman just has his legs.  Take Carolina, buy some Christmas presents for the kids with the money you will win on this one.

St. Louis at CHICAGO -9

This game looks a whole lot like the Detroit one we just talked about, only the Bears are far worse than the Bengals while the Rams might even be worse than the Lions.    So why am I taking the bears this week?  Well because the Rams shouldnt be able to put enough pressure on Cutler for him to make the mistakes he’s been making lately.  I’m so confident in this, i am actually starting him in a must win game for my big money fantasy team this week.  My confidence is awesome…and will be my downfall.

Not that you care at all about my fantasy team either but forgive the rant.  Just know that I have cut my 2nd and 4th round draft picks, my 1st and 3rd rounders are both hurt and Cutler is my starter this week.  I have basically already lost.

San Diego at CLEVELAND +13.5

What is this madness you say?  Taking the Browns vs the slightly mighty Chargers?  Why am I doing this?  Because Mad Max Beyond the Thunderdome is about over an this column isnt even close to being finished.  Well that and because as bad as the Browns have been lately, their defense isnt really this bad and its about time for good ole Norville Turner to put on a real stinker of a game after they’ve been playing well these past few weeks.  On the road, heavy favorites…I dont like it. 2 MEN ENTER 1 MAN LEAVES!  Take the Browns.

SAN FRANCISCO +1 at Seattle

I know, I know, you must think I have some vendetta against the Seahawks this year…or you have no idea what I am talking about.  To clarify, I always seem to bet against the ‘Hawks, and I’ve lost a few times, sure.  But for the most part, this has been a winning strategy and I dont see that stopping this week.  If i was even more of a gambling man than I already am I’d take the 49ers moneyline.  I just can see Seattle running their offense this week by allowing Julius Jones back into the fold.  Justin Forsett was THE MAN last week and he should be the main ball carrier but he wont be and they will lose because of it.

Also, where the hell has Mike Singletary been this season?  Last year he was taking pants off and yelling at reporters and benching players. I mean, remember this?

How awesome was that?  CAN’T DO IT. This year, he’s turned into the black, dentures lisping Bill Belichick.  I don’t like it one bit.  They 49ers have been losing because Singletary’s taken the edge off his game, if he brings it back old school this week, I really like their chances.  Well…even if he doesn’t I like em.  Take the 49ers.

Dallas at NY GIANTS +1

This is a tough game to pick.  Eli is still injured and this team does not work with him injured.  So why am I picking the Giants, especially after losing last week to the Broncos?  Simple.  I hate the Cowboys and think that 8-3 is way above where they should be record wise at this point in the season.  They must regress to the mean.  This will be the start.  Take the Giants.  My non-scientific approach to sports gambling tells you so.

BALTIMORE +3 at Green Bay

The Pack has been an underwhelming team even with a 7-4 record.  The Ravens have been more underwhelming.  Despite the Packers’ offense lighting up the fantasy scoreboard all season, their line stinks and while the Ravens’ defense isnt what it used to be, they should be able to attack the Packers with the blitz, and cause Rogers to do too much.  This week, I like Joe Flaccooooe to win hun.  Take the Ravens.

UPSET SPECIAL OF THE WEEK

LOCK OF THE WEEK

*Deuce of Davenport is only doing this column for entertainment purposes only, you’d be a fool to actually follow any of this advice and/or these picks. We accept no responsibility for anyone actually gambling with these picks.

Brutal week last week as I went 8-8. I am now 0 for 2 on my Picks of the Week and 1-1 on my Upset Specials. Overall, I have a lot of ground to make up on those. For the season, I am a mediocre 16-15 on my picks, which would not cover your juice if you were using these, so I must step it up for you, my non-paying blog readers. That’s right, I do it for you. However, my friends, this week…is looking like one where you can make some cash for sure, so lets get into it. As always, all lines are from TheGreek. Hot cheerleaders are twins Larisa and Marisa from the Houston Texans. Scroll to the bottom if you want to skip to the Upset Special and the Lock of the Week.

TENNESSEE +3 at New York Jets

Its been a feel good story so far this season for the Jets. Their rookie QB is making just enough plays and not making just enough mistakes to win games. They challenged then knocked in the teeth of the Patriots last week and their defense seems to be giving offenses fits. Tennessee, however, is the hard luck team of the year right now. They had Houston on the mat at 21-7 before their epic second quarter collapse and they still had a chance to win the game late. They also took defending super bowl champion Pittsburgh to overtime in the opening NFL game. This is not a bad team, they finished 13-3 last year and 10-6 the year before. They are not going 0-3. Take this pick and take it hard, hit it like Hines Ward would do to Keith Rivers’ face again.

Jacksonville at HOUSTON -4

Houston has the worst defense in the NFL, according to the NFL’s stats. Jacksonville has the 9th worst. So it is entirely possible that David Garrard actually has a decent week this week and beats the Titans. Personally, I wouldn’t bet on this game, but I think that the Texans offensive firepower will be too much for the Jaguars D and they wont be able to stop the Texans’ big play potential. Vegas thinks that people will think this game is going to be high scoring so they set the over at 47. If the score gets that high, it favors Houston in a big way. No way Jacksonville wins in a shoot-out. Take Houston and the points, when you win this bet, your friends will think you are a genius, when really, it is me…er…I…who am…er…is…uh…moving along…

Kansas City at PHILADELPHIA -9

Yes, this is a lot of points. Generally in the NFL you dont want to give a lot of points when a team could possibly be starting its #2 quarterback and #2 running back. But, here’s why you should. 1) The Chiefs are horrible and could be this year’s Detroit Lions. 2) The Eagles actually are thinking of resting Westbrook, not because he’s too injured to play, but because they don’t think they really need him this week to win because of the aforementioned reason 1 and the upcoming reason 3. 3) Backup QB Kolb wasn’t that bad last week and backup RB Lesean McCoy is probably better than starting RB Brian Westbrook. 4) The Eagle’s D is still one of the NFL’s top 10 defenses. That’s all you need to know, well except that when you win this game, women will run to you like one of Michael Vick’s dogs that wasn’t fed for a week. They can smell a winner a mile away. Note, I said winner and not wiener. See what I did there? Didn’t opt for the cheap joke…no reason to with the money we’ll be making this week.

Cleveland at Baltimore UNDER 38.5

For one to lose this under, you have to assume that both teams are going to actually score points. I, for one, do not believe the Browns will score a single point in this game, therefore, the under is the way to go here. Also, in a battle of really disgusting cities, Baltimore is better. They have that Ace of Cakes guy on TV. Who does Cleveland have, Drew Carey on the Price is Right? That guy is an abortion. He is pretty much the exact opposite of Bob Barker. Actually, before the hired him, at the production meeting, they must’ve just made a list of people that were THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF BOB BARKER and Drew Carey had to have been the top of the chart to host the show. Its the only way they thought it was a good idea, because it just isnt. I need cool smarmy, not creepy fat guy smarmy. Not the same, just terrible, and I’m saying this after he’s grown on me a bit. You should’ve heard my opinions about that fat bastard when he first took over.

WASHINGTON -6.5 at Detroit

Yeah, everyone and their mother is picking Detroit on this one. Some people will say that i’m fading the public here, but you know and I know better. I am a homer and this is the homer pick to end all homer picks. I’m saying it right here, right now…if the Washington Redskins do not beat the Lions by a touchdown, I will not pick them again this season. No matter how juicy the line is, I will have no faith in this team. NONE. Take the Redskins and the points on the road. Detroit is desperate but not as desperate as a team with Dan Snyder’s itchy trigger finger on the “FIRE THEM ALL” button. Plus their lackluster offense shouldn’t be able to score that much against the Redskins D and Stafford will be good for 1 or 2 INTS. Yes CJ is amazing, but he can’t do it alone. The ‘skins should’ve put up at least 21 points on St. Louis last week, they can do it this week. Please God let this happen…

GREEN BAY PACKERS -6.5 at St. Louis

Ok, so I blew it last week picking the Packers, I admit it. This week however, the Pack goes on the road to take on one of the worst teams in the league. I’m sure this line is affected by the 2 point loss to the Redskins last week, but we know better, right? The Pack should light up this Rams team and they will not be able to keep Aaron Rogers out of the end zone like they did poor Jason Campbell….mostly because the Packers have a coach who actually knows how to call plays. Take all of your watches, jewelry, compact discs and dvds and send them to the local pawn shop, you’ll need that cash to load up on this one. Once you win, you can go out and buy better stuff than that garbage you gave up for peanuts. Your lifestyle demands you do this.

San Francisco at MINNESOTA -7

Lot of action on San Fran in this one, so much so that the line has dropped from -8 to -6.5 in some places. Not exactly sure why though. Frank Gore is banged up and its not like he or Glenn Coffee are going to find any running room against the Vikings D. Brett Favre has been in “game manager” mode the first two weeks, but they are just waiting for a moment to unlock the cage and set the gunslinger Favre free. San Fran has been a feel good 2-0 so far this year, but their unbeaten streak ends this week. Take the Vikes, bet enough so that when you win you can personally fly down to Washington DC and shake my damn hand for providing you with the insight you need to maintain the quality of life that you are used to.

ATLANTA +4 at New England

Ok, when will people learn that New England is not what they used to be and neither is Atlanta, for that matter. This line should be flip flopped the way these two teams have played the first two weeks of the year. The line is what it is because people expect New England to break out of their funk and be what they used to be, well, guess what, they arent. Their offense cannot move the ball on the ground, their quarterback is a couple months away from major knee rehab, and their defense has gotten old QUICK while the kids that are replacing the veterans just aren’t very good yet. It may all work out for the Patriots, they could get by on cunning, guile and veteran savvy for most the year, but not this week. The Falcons have a legitimate offense that can score on anyone while their defense has dramatically improved this season. One team is trending up, one is trending down, take the one going up, the Falcons, and the points, they are mana from the Gods.

CHICAGO +1 at Seattle

Ok, so Hasselbeck has a bad rib and the Seahawks are still favored? Don’t get it, not even trying to get it, just trying to run to the bookie as soon as possible. First I must do a few things such as, refinance the house, sell my car, my wedding ring, my dog and if i had any children, they would have to go too…THEN i will have enough cash to throw at this monster. The almighty God of gambling named GAMBLOR is beckoning you to make this bet. If you listen to Him, you will be richly rewarded with one hell of a buzz from watching this game on Direct Ticket and, more than likely, it is possible for you to double your net worth in just one 3 hour game.

New Orleans at Buffalo UNDER 51.5

I am predicting it right here, this is the week that the Saints high flying points scoring offense hits a snag and they dont go over the over. Not that the Bills D is that good, they are opportunistic, but they arent good. No, the reason is because with Mike Bell injured, Pierre Thomas barely recovered from an injury and Reggie Bush being Reggie Bush, the Saints will not be able to run the ball at all, making their one dimensional offense even more one dimensional, allowing the Bills to tee off on the pass. With Fred Jackson running the ball and Trent Edwards dinking and dunking all over, the Bills’ ball control offense won’t allow the kinds of high scores we’ve seen in the past from the Saints. Take the Under and count your blessings that I was here to save you from picking one of these teams against the spread.

MIAMI +6 at San Diego

San Diego lost their mammoth DT Jamal Williams for the season on the IR and they are going up against one of the running-est (i just made that word up WOO HOO!) teams in football in the Dolphins. Sure Rivers can put points up on anyone, but LT is still hurt leaving the Dolphins D one less person to care about. I’m not saying that Miami wins this one, I doubt they will, but I do believe that San Diego isn’t going to win this by 6 points. Seems more like a 3 point game to me. Take this advice and when you win, please buy me a ticket out to Vegas, round trip…I can take care of the hotel room myself, but flights out there are pricey as hell these days. Damn!

Pittsburgh at CINCINNATI +4

I know you probably aren’t happy with this one, but let me change your mind. For one, I dont think last week against Green Bay was a fluke for the Bengals. Now, I dont think the Pack is as good as the Steelers should be, no, but the Steelers are a team with issues that we should not overlook here, especially with them on the road. One, they have a very limited running game right now. Who knows, it could blow up, but the Bengals run D has been surprisingly decent so far this year giving up just 82 yards a game. Add that to no Troy Polamalu in the defensive backfield and Palmer to Ochocinco could be in effect the entire game. If I were a betting man, I might pick the Bengals outright at +170…but I’m not so take the points and count your winnings in a Scrooge McDuck-like money bin when I am right.
DENVER -1 at Oakland

Only reason I am taking Denver here is because their defense has been doing everything right for them to win games and I don’t see that stopping against an offense prone to so many mistakes as the Raiders. This line is probably good to up to 4 points, but with Denver as a slight fave, you can take advantage and bet it medium-hard like…like…like i dunno what actually is medium-hard. If you can tell me what is medium-hard, write in and let me know. I know what wont be medium-hard though…your dickus after you win this mother. Nail it shut.

Indianapolis at Arizona UNDER 48

I struggled with this one, I really did. Both teams are definitely capable of winning this game. Indy is the most unimpressive 2-0 team in the league (next to Denver i guess) and Arizona, well they showed last week why they made it to the super bowl (their offense can be explosive, like nitroglycerin level combustion type shit). This game however, I think there will be a lot of field goals, rather than TDs, keeping the score down. Why do I think that? NO REASON WHATSOEVER. I just had to make a pick to placate you asses. WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? BLOOD? …..ok….ok…just take the Under and we’ll call it a day.

UPSET SPECIAL OF THE WEEK

CAROLINA +9 at Dallas

Dallas’ defense has 0 sacks on the year, gives up on average 129 yards and 1 TD a game on the ground to running backs and has allowed 303 yards and 1 1/2 TD per game to quarterbacks. What do I smell here? I smell a get healthy game for Carolina and the UPSET SPECIAL OF THE WEEK! Even if Dallas wins their 2nd game at home, there is no way their defense keeps this score to 9 points. They will be lucky if they win by a field goal here, if they win at all. There are very few defenses out there that Jake Delhomme can feel comfortable playing right now, but this has to be one of them. Sure, Carolina’s D isnt anything to write home about right now, but Tony Romo will always screw up somehow and find a way to keep this game close. Take the road dog and never look back, don’t look back because you might get shot (thanks Truthaboutit)…speaking of that, here’s a musical interlude before the Lock of the Week.

LOCK OF THE WEEK

NEW YORK GIANTS -6.5 at Tampa Bay

Look, no bones about it (the fuck does that mean anyway?), Tampa Bay is a really, and I am talking REALLY, bad professional football team. If Byron Leftwich is your starting quarterback, because he’s actually better than everyone else on your team, then you have a bad team. When your 3rd string running back, coming off of two catastrophic knee injuries on the same knee, beats out a high priced free agent acquisition and one other person for the starting tailback job…you have a BAD football team. Meanwhile, Eli keeps finding newer and younger people to throw the ball to and dammit, he’s actually turning into a decent football player. Their running backs are fantastic, the line does its job admirably and their defense is one of the tops in the league. Why the hell is this line under a touchdown? Hammer it. Hammer it into the ground. Make your bookie bend to your will. Take them to the cleaners for all the times that they took money that was rightfully yours. Take the Giants for God’s sake.

And while you’re in NYC, celebrating your win, hit up my favorite bar in the LES, Local 138 on Ludlow St (Stanton & Rivington). You might even find Mustafa there sucking down his 10th Strongbow of the night. No midgets or nothing, but they do have a burger joint next door with some tasty ass food. Get the fries…they are worth the calories.

It looks like I picked the wrong time to quit sniffing glue. This video is one of reasons why I love the internet. This guy has, for the past 2 years, been making NFL picks with the assistance of 2 puppets, a live cat, a horrible impersonation of someone (this week its Michael Caine for some reason) and a tangentially related slideshow going on behind him. It is one of the most surreal things I have ever seen, but at 4am in the morning…i’m considering taking his advice…although his lines are off. Washington is -7.5 right now and Green Bay is +1.5 in case you were interested in that sorta thing. I do think that because no one else is giving this guy any exposure at all, and he’s been doing it for 2 years now, I might have to stick this insane crap on the site every week so the stoner contingent can get a good chuckle. Smoke up boys and girls.

Its on like Donkey Kong bitches. 100% Injury Rate’s WCK and I, Chimpanzee Rage, are battling it out in the field of football prognosticating excellence. In other words, we’re going head to head in picking NFL games straight up, no spread. That’s right, its “100% Injury Rate’s and Deuce of Davenport’s Straight Up NFL Weekly Beatdown Contest”.

Every Friday, 100% Injury Rate and your favorite douchebag bloggers, Deuce of Davenport, will have our picks available for all you degenerates gambleholics to discuss, dissect and disseminate while we will go mano a mano in a fight to the death…every week. Well ok, not really death.

What are we playing for you ask? Simple. The loser each week will have to do something he certainly does not want to do, unless we tie, then we both do it because neither one of us want to kiss our sisters.

This week, since its just the beginning, we’ll start off easy…the loser of the NFL pick’em must defend the below image in a blog post on their site:

Ok…we’ll that won’t be fun. Look down for THIS WEEK’S PICKS..and let the beatdown commence!!

Here’s the picks folks. The battle begins, in Week 3. Do let me know how wrong or right you think I am. Favorites are named first:

Indy @ Hou – No Andre Johnson = Loss – COLTS
NE v. Buffalo – The Bills are teh suxxor – PATRIOTS
NYJ v. Miami - I’ll go with Trent Green on this one – DOLPHINS
Philly v Detroit - I smell 0-3 coming!!! – LIONS
Pitts v. San Fran - Big Ben keeps on ticking – STEELERS
TB v. STL - Rams finally get right – RAMS
SD @ GB – Pack’s luck finally runs out – CHARGERS
Balt. v. Ariz – Leinart actually dies in this game – RAVENS
KC v. Minn - Um..wait…who is the Vikings qb now? – CHIEFS
OAK v. Cle. - This is not game of the week material – RAIDERS
Sea v. Cinci - Palmer is gonna light up the ‘hawks – BENGALS
Den. v. Jax – Cutler wont do so well against this D – JAGUARS
Car @ ATL – Panthers roll easy on this one – PANTHERS
Wash v. NYG - Area 51 will injure everyone – REDSKINS
Chi v. Dal – Daaaa Bears shut down Romo & Co. – BEARS
N.O. v. Tenn - And the Saints…lose again – TITANS

Update: Check out 100%’s picks here and compare. God, they are going DOWN!