Tuesday, October 28th, 2008 at
My name is Bud Selig and just in case you weren’t aware, I am not a man. I am, in fact, a spineless, dickless fuckbag.
Yeah, I know the forecast was for rain until tomorrow afternoon. Yeah, I know the field went from muddy to completely, stupidly, dangerously unplayable between the fifth and sixth innings. Yeah, I know the game should have been called after the fifth inning. I don’t care. Why? Because I’m a spineless, dickless fuckbag.
I know the Phillies don’t want to win a World Series that way. I know the Rays sure don’t want to lose one that way. But you know what I’m sure they DO want? I am goddamn sure all the way down to my gaping, dripping vagina that Charlie Manuel and Joe Maddon want to go out there in 40 degree weather and 20MPH winds and play in an infield that is fucking underwater for Chrissakes and risk their players getting hurt or getting sick. I am 100% sure they’d rather do that. It’s one of those things you just know deep in your spineless, dickless fuckbag bones.
I mean, if you were in my position and you had this choice, you’re telling me you wouldn’t wait until the conditions got so bad that you couldn’t actually play baseball and let the Rays tie it up before you called the game? What, do you have a cock or something? Jesus Christ in a handcart, Cole Hamels had only thrown 67 pitches and given up one run in 6 innings! I couldn’t let that shit stand. And did you see that double play from Utley? Come on. The way their defense was going there was no WAY the Phillies fucked this one up. Even a spineless, dickless fuckbag like me could see that.
No, no, it’s far better to wipe out Hamels’ great pitching effort and wait until the Rays used the hideously unfair conditions to tie the game, and then not give the Phillies the same opportunity to abuse the unplayable field and my lack of any discernible guts or integrity or male genitalia. I mean, what am I supposed to do? It’s not my fault if the “rain delay” lasts 19 hours. Yeah, I had the Weather Channel and CNN and Fox News and the National Weather Service and local news radio and the 143,000,000 websites that provide hour-by-hour forecasts telling there was no possible way in this or any other parallel universe that we could finish this game tonight, but 1-day weather forecasts are wrong, like, 4% of the time. I’m just a simple spineless, dickless fuckbag trying to incompetently run a thoroughly corrupt sports league.
Am I bitter about the Phillies beating the Brewers? What? How can you even ask me that? No. Of course not. What a silly question. Now can someone line up all the Phillies fans who’ve been waiting 28 years for a World Series? I want to make sure I strap on my 14″ curare-spike stainless steel dildo and fuck every one of them in the ass before I go back to my hotel room.