Nigeria celebrating news of free hooker sex

Andray Blatche needs to get to the nearest computer and hop on Ancestry.com to check his… Uh, he’s already on Pornhub. When he’s finished, he should see if he has any ancestors from Nigeria. If he does, he might want to look into Nigerian citizenship.

Nigeria may be plagued with corruption, a north-south divide and beef between Christians and Muslims but everyone including prostitutes can get behind…err, in front of their soccer team.

[The Association of Nigerian Prostitutes], in a statement issued through its national secretary, Jessica Elvis, urged the national team to make the country proud by moving on to the finals and returning with the trophy.

“We want to congratulate the Nigerian national team, the Super Eagles, for qualifying for the next round of the competition. We want to assure them of our usual support and partnership, we want them to bring back our lost glory in football.

Jessica, speaking further, added that the association would declare one week of free sex if the Eagles win the trophy.

“To show our support for the national team, we’ll be declaring one week free sex if the Super Eagles can win the trophy,” she added. Investigation revealed some members of the association are in South Africa ‘supporting’ the national team.

There’s an Association of Nigerian Prostitutes? Is it registered with the state? Hookers are all about profit but is it registered as a non-profit like the church or is it a union? They’re so organized that they have a national secretary? I would be interested in seeing their organizational chart. I assume they have elections. What are the different platforms? Do they control territory and pricing? What’s their dispute resolution process? I assume they have an annual awards event. Is it like the AVN Awards or more like the White House Correspondents Dinner or Kennedy Center Honors? How exactly are they “supporting” the national team in South Africa? One would think the players would stay away from sex knowing how superstitious they are when it comes to sporting events. A team’s juju can be thrown off by the wrong sign or a case of the clap. Perhaps they’re sleeping with players of opposing teams, giving them random STDs and stealing their mojo. Is the free sex offer for players and coaches or is it come one come all? (See what I did there? All day.) If everyone is eligible to cash in, will they have to call in reinforcements or call up more hoes from the prostitute version of the minors? Do they recruit former prostitutes like Jesse “The Body” Ventura getting called back into service in The Running Man? So many questions.

Ah the good old urine free days.

Do I come to your job and throw bottles of urine at you? I do if I’m a Nigerian soccer fan and your name is Jon Obi Mikel. The Chelsea midfielder got more than he bargained for when he watched the Eagles take on Kenya in a World Cup qualifier from the comfort of a VIP box.

Mikel and Everton defender Joseph Yobo missed two European friendlies after claiming they weren’t able to get visas to play in France and Ireland. Nigerian fans didn’t buy their flimsy excuses and showed their disapproval by throwing plastic bottles of urine at Mikel during the Kenya match. Yobo sat next to Mikel but there are no reports of him being hit by the piss missiles.

The debacle at Newcastle United continues to boggle the mind. It’s nothing but a clusterfuck from owner Mike Ashley down to the fans who continue to drive away potential club buyers and managers with their rabid, bloodthirsty rantings about King Kev and their non-existent history. We’ll have an in-depth look at the club from a guest writer who is a football legend in his own right. Before we do that, let’s catch up on the latest haps from the “very big club”.

Ashley, realizing that he’s cruising for a lynching, has been trying to find a buyer for Newcastle. However he insists on selling at over £400million GBP. He had no luck in the Middle East and things were looking rather bleak until the Nigerians showed up. The latest rumored buyer is a Nigerian company called NVA Management.

We used our Abuja sources to track down the introductory communication from NVA to Mike Ashley and the trillions of Newcastle supporters expressing their interest in purchasing the team.

From: Prince Chris Nathaniel

Dear My Most Best Sincerity Friends,

I am fine today and how are you? I hope this letter will find you in the best of health. I am Prince Chris Nathaniel, the Chairman of the “Contract Award Committee”, of the “NVA Management (NVA)”, a subsidiary of the Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation (NNPC). NVA Management (NVA) was set up by the late Head of State, General Sani Abacha who died on 18th June 1998, to manage the excess revenue accruing from the sales of Petroleum and its allied products as a domestic increase in the petroleum products to develop the communities in the Niger Delta Oil producing areas. The estimated annual revenue for 1999 was $45 Billion US Dollars Ref. FMF A26 Unit 3B Paragraph “D” of the Auditor General of the Federal Republic of Nigeria Report of Nov. 1999 on estimated revenue.

I am the Chairman of the Contract Award Committee, and my committee is solely responsible for awaiting and paying of contracts on behalf of the Federal Government of Nigeria. My Committee awarded Contracts to foreign contractors for Drilling and Ecological Matters in the oil producing areas of Niger Delta. We are now in expansion to Premiership League football and are in heavy negotiations for the biggest team in all of Tyneside called Newcastle United. We overshot the contract sum by £13,485,000.00. We have paid His Excellency Mike Ashley of Buckinghamshire £400million and withholding the balance of £13,485,000.00. But, because of the existence of some of the domestic laws forbidding civil servants in Nigeria from opening, operating and maintaining foreign accounts, we do not have the expertise to transfer this balance of fund to a foreign account.

However, this balance of £13,485,000.00 has been secured in form of Credit/Payment to a foreign contractor, hence we wish to transfer into every Newcastle supporter bank account as the beneficiary of the fund. We have also arrived at a conclusion that you will be given 20% of the total sum transferred as our foreign partner, while 5% will be reserved for incidental expenses that both parties will incur in the course of actualizing this transaction, and the balance of 75% will be kept for the committee members. This balance will be paying to every Newcastle supporter who helps us complete the transaction.

If you know that you will be capable of helping us actualize this transaction, you should send to me immediately the details of your bank particulars or open a new bank account where we can transfer the money £13,485,000.00, which you will be holding in trust for us until we come to your country for our share. Your nature of business does not matter in this transaction. The required details includes your company’s name, address, your private personal telephone/fax numbers, your full name and address, including your complete bank details where the transferred fund will be routed by the Apex Bank.

Note that this transaction is expected to be actualized within 21 working days from the day the required details are forwarded to the Federal Ministry of Finance who will approve the needed foreign exchange control allocation for the release of this money to your account. Please, treat this as top secret. You should contact me urgently.

Thanks for your cooperation.

Yours faithfully,
Prince Chris Nathaniel

This is by far the best offer Ashley will ever receive. If he knows what’s good for him, he’ll give up his details and encourage every true Barcode fan to do the same. Soon they will be delivered from evil and into Highlife heaven by a prince. Imagine Fela Kuti blasting from the speakers of St. James Park while the strike force of Obafemi Martins and Ade Akinbiyi strike fear into the hearts of Gareth Southgate and Gary Megson. That’s straight juju right there.

All praise due to 419eater.com.

Let’s get the soccer roundup out of the way. Go here for weekend scores. The short of it: West Pork’s screwed. ManUre maintainted their lead at the top by beating Charlton 2-0. Chelsea remain six points back after a 3-0 win against Middlesborough. Hilarity of the weekend: Sheffield United 2 – Spurs 1.

Yo’ Mama Ain’t Got Nuthin’ To Do With Me

Newcastle United and Nigeria striker Obafemi Martins was confronted by a mob in an airport in Lagos, Nigeria after missing Nigeria’s match with Ghana on Tuesday which they lost 4-1.

Martins tried to explain that he skipped the match to attend to his sick mother but the crowd wasn’t having it.

…The soccer fans literally held Obafemi hostage demanding to know why he was not in London for the match.

The fans had argued that if the former Inter Milan striker had played the match, the Super Eagles would not have been disgraced.

As at the time the fans quizzed him, Nigeria were three goals down.

The visibly angry fans asked: “Why are you not playing? If you were there, you will have scored at least one goal by now and Ghana will not have that the courage to play us out.”

Chelsea midfielder Jon Obi Mikel claimed he was forced to play after being pressured by the Nigerian FA and family threats. He played against orders from Chelsea doctors and manager Jose Mourinho. Mourinho was reported to have been furious and Chelsea have made complaints to FIFA.

Nigerians don’t play when it comes to their soccer. Ghanians sure do. In the words of Pork-o-potamus X, “Only with Africans…Whether in Africa or Africans in London, mayhem.

I Don’t Know What You Come To Do But I Come To Pray

That’s all you have left if you’re an England fan. They suck enough to put a Tijuana donkey show performer out of business. England’s pathetic showing in their Euro 2008 qualifier loss against Spain on Wednesday once again proved that Second Choice Steve McClaren knows much more about dental hygiene than he does about soccer.

Middlesborough chairman Steve Gibson blamed Premiership clubs for his former manager McClaren’s obvious lack of sense.

What chances are English footballers getting at major clubs? Steve can only work with the tools he’s given. The Liverpools and the Arsenals – what are they contributing at national level?

What’s Boro contributing at the national level besides mediocre football and Stewart Downing? He and Joey Barton are exactly what England needs to save its Euro 2008 campaign. I suppose Gibson doesn’t remember Boro losing 7-0 to Arsenal or a fan throwing his season ticket at McClaren in disgust. I’m sure it has nothing to do with his lack of coaching sense or the FA’s abidcation of its duty to run football with some level of competence.

Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger shot back at Gibson:

England were behind in developing players for years but they have worked hard to rectify things.

France started that in 1974. They won the European Championship in 1984 because we had an exceptional player [Michel Platini]. Then they won the World Cup in 1998 and reached the World Cup Final in 2006. That work began in 1974. It shows that the work takes 20 years.

The only thing I can say is that whenever England do not win it is always my fault, even when I am not at the game.

To put players in my team who are not good enough would not strengthen the England team but weaken the Arsenal team. I’m not at fault for England’s frustrations.

England is now third in their group behind Russia and Croatia with an upcoming match on March 24 against Israel. If they lose, they’re pretty much done. There will be a bunch of hand-wringing and moaning and then they’ll pick another incompetent English manager to make sure they don’t qualify for the World Cup in 2010.

Lassana Diarra Has Two Fathers

It’s great to see such an open-minded team.

Arsenal Finds More Young Boys For Wenger

Arsenal has linked up with the Colorado Rapids in an effort to expand their brand in the US and search for young talent. Wenger stated that the Arsenal board informed him the link was not a precursor to a club takeover. He did not deny that he was planning slumber parties for Rapids players at his home.

Changes Afoot At Liverpool

Liverpool’s new American owners have already started the changes at Anfield by introducing a new crest which better symbolizes the true nature of the club and its fans.