So the playoffs begin this weekend and I fell off the map with my picks in the last 2 weeks of the regular season, so i totally have to make up for it here just for my own peace of mind. I ended up finishing above .500 for the year, which bodes well for the playoffs. As always, all lines are from TheGreek. Hot cheerleader is Meghan from the Baltimore Ravens. Lets get to the games*:

New York Jets at CINCINNATI -2.5

The Bengals know they are going to win this game and they will. The young “Sanchize” shouldn’t be much of a factor here as rookie quarterbacks with questionable receiving corps. generally do not do well in the playoffs. The Jets D might be able to keep this close for awhile, since the Bengals only have one receiving threat themselves, but I expect the Bengals to easily win this game by well more than a field goal. Take the Bengals.

PHILADELPHIA +4 at Dallas

The Eagles got destroyed last time they faced the Cowboys, getting shut out 24-0. The first time they faced the Cowboys, they lost 16-20 at home. So why am I picking the Eagles this week? Simple! I hate the Cowboys. Also there is no way an NFC East team beats another NFC East team 3 times in a row. Its got to be some sort of statistical fact that this never happens. Like ever. Unless it has, then its almost never. Take the Eagles, at the very worst, they will probably cover, at best, they win outright.

BALTIMORE +3.5 at New England

Picking against the Patriots, at home, in the playoffs should be suicide for you bank account. This year, I do not think it is. I think the loss of Welker is going to really hurt their offensive attack which was hardly as dynamic as it has been in past years. Some people in Baltimore still say they would’ve beaten the Patriots in the regular season if it werent for all those phantom roughing the passer penalties on them. I’m all about the road dogs this week apparently.

GREEN BAY +1 at Arizona

The Cardinals were in the Super Bowl last season and they are only favored by 1 point here? Ohhh, maybe its because Kurt Warner has no healthy bodies to throw the ball to and is depending on a couple of backs dealing with a little case of fumbleitis. Meanwhile Green Bay can score on anyone but they have supreme difficulty in stopping anyone. Luckily, in this game, they shouldnt have to do much to stop the Cards. Take the Pack. Road dogs rule!

Good luck.

*Deuce of Davenport is only doing this column for entertainment purposes only, you’d be a fool to actually follow any of this advice and/or these picks. We accept no responsibility for anyone actually gambling with these picks.

Mark Sanchez doesn’t know Rod Strickland so one has to assume that he learned how to eat a hot dog on the sidelines from Jamarcus Russell. The Jets were playing the Raiders and Russell has been known to tackle several Denny’s Beer Barrel Busters while on the bench. One can only imagine what he’s eating now that he’s been permanently benched.

Sanchez is taking lessons in other areas as well. Yankees manager Joe Girardi stopped by the Jets training facility to talk to the team and give Sanchez sliding lessons.

“I’ve never really been a slider. In baseball, I slid head first. In football, I’ve done the same thing, or tried to get out of bounds or throw the ball away. It’s something that you need to learn at this level. Once you get the first down or as many yards as you need, just protect yourself and protect the ball and give yourself a chance to play.”

That should take care of the interceptions and bad decisions. Jeff George would have been a better teacher. He could have shown Sanchez what diving, sorry sliding is about. It works best when you’re in the pocket and have good protection. More room to dive.

Sanchez and coach Rex Ryan might need a more sensitive approach. Ryan probably cried while looking at Girardi’s World Series gear. New York Magazine reported that Sanchez broke down while watching The Blind Side. Hopefully he doesn’t do that every time he sees a lineman of Michael Oher’s size bearing down on him. If Ryan was going to call in a baseball player, he should have looked to Bronson Arroyo. His sliding lessons would be more their speed.

Hold me closer, Tiny Trojan.

Last week we went an incredible 12-2, winning the locks and the upset specials of the week. Phenomenal week altogether, lets try to keep the momentum going this week. Overall, this puts Chimp’s Picks at 86-67 on the season, a phenomenal 56% rate, the magic number, also 6-5 on the locks of the week and 5-6 on the upset specials. Lets quickly get onto the picks, sadly without any write-ups this week as I am at Mrs. Rage’s parents house and she is glaring at me from the couch as we watch Elf on the USA network. Ahhh the holidays. As always, all lines are from TheGreek. Hot cheerleader is Jennifer from the Philadelphia Eagles. Scroll to the bottom if you want to skip to the Upset Special and the Lock of the Week.*

Cleveland at CINCINNATI -14

Well last week was pretty freakin average. We went 7-6, although truthfully, I would’ve changed my Indy -9 pick as I found out about their injuries on their D later in the week, but ya can’t cry over spilled milk. We were perfect on the Locks of the Week and Upset Specials making our records in those 5-4 and 3-6 respectively and 67-59 overall. Not bad, but we’re going to try to widen that gap a little bit more this week. Lets get on to it, shall we? As always, all lines are from TheGreek. Hot cheerleader is Stacy from the Philadelphia Eagles. Scroll to the bottom if you want to skip to the Upset Special and the Lock of the Week.*

Jacksonville at NEW YORK JETS -7

I was soooo close to taking the Jags and the points in this game because i figured this one could be a close one, then I find out that MJD might have a gimpy knee. Oh dear. Well, while I am a fan of Liberty’s own Rashad Jennings, MJD is the heart and soul of the Jags. They go as he goes…well and how David Garrard goes too i guess…and maybe how their defense goes as well but that is neither here nor there. Since MJD might be hurting, I am gonna go ahead and pick the J-E-T-S to come out of their slumpage and kick the Jags down a notch. Its not like the Jaguars defense can really stop any of the Jets running backs anyway and the Sanchize should be able to not screw this game up. A touchdown, at home, should be plenty for the Jets to win by.

CINCINNATI +7 at Pittsburgh

So these two teams played each other back in September and the score was 23-20 with the Bengals winning. Cinci was a 3.5 point underdog in that game at home, double that and that is what they are on the road in Steelertown. I think this one is a close one. The Bengals and the Steelers are both playing some terrific defense and both are moving the ball down the field on offense. Unless the Steelers D goes nuts on Carson Palmer’s knee, this one isn’t going to be decided by more than 4 points. Take the Bengals.

Buffalo at Tennessee UNDER 41

Guess who is back? T.E. in the hizzy yo! You know what that means? Why it means the Bills have no chance at all at winning this game. Well, ok, they do have a slight chance at winning if their ball hawking defense comes to play and picks off Vincent Young a few times. But it really doesn’t matter who wins this game really because I am going for the totals here. I dont anticipate this game having a lot of points. Do you really expect the Titans to score over 30 points for the 3rd week in a row? I certainly don’t. Vinsanity has to come back to earth, Trent Edwards is lookin more like Trent Green with his concussion issues, and both teams will be grinding it out on the ground as much as they can. Take the Under here, its the safe pick for sure.

DETROIT +16.5 at Minnesota

Jesus, that is a lot of points for the Vikings to cover. Sure it is at home and Stafford just had a 5 INT game, but there is no way I can pick a team to cover that many points. Its difficult to imagine that the books are getting equal action on this one, but their loss is your gain. The Vikings defense is not playing well enough now to beat the Lions by 17 points, garbage time will screw them on that for sure. Take the Lions and watch the game pretending that the Lions already have a 16 point lead. Trust me, it’l make it a TON more enjoyable to watch.

ATLANTA -1 at Carolina

This might be the toughest game to pick this week. Both of these teams are impossible to figure out to me. At some times Matt Ryan is a world beater while others it he is just beating himself. The Panthers, meanwhile, are now somehow winning games without any passing game whatsoever. They should just try to be like Navy and never pass the ball, ever. Its worked pretty well for them, I don’t see why the Panthers can’t give it a shot. Can’t be any worse really because how can you trust Jake Delhomme at this point in his career? How bad must the backup quarterbacks be on this team if they are still playing Delhomme? I have no idea who is gonna win this, on paper (my papers at least), the Falcons should win, so I am just gonna go with that and pray it comes true.

TAMPA BAY +10 at Miami

Miami should win this game, hammering the ball at the Bucs with their corps of running backs and if Tampa was smart, they would be doing the same thing in return. However, there is no way I think Miami wins this one by more than 10. If Tampa could put the smack down on Green Bay, certainly they can keep up with Miami. Least I think so…and that is what is important, right? RIGHT?

KANSAS CITY +2 at Oakland

This is a matchup of two of the must brutal offenses in the league. This is NOT a marquee mathchup any stretch of the imagination. I dont even want to pick it really. I really care so little about this game. You shouldn’t watch, you shouldn’t bet on it, but if you do, just take the Chiefs. I dont ever, EVER like Oakland as a favorite.

Seattle at ARIZONA -9

I’ve done pretty well this year picking against the mighty Seahawks and I am hoping this won’t end now. The Cards are coming on strong, picking up momentum as the season progresses and I think they will romp over the Seahawks this week. The ‘hawks just don’t have enough on defense to slow down the prolific attack of the Cards.

The one good thing about the Seahawks is Matt Hasselbeck and watching him on the NFL Network’s Sound FX. This guy is a fucking riot. Listening to him on the field, you can completely tell that 1) He knows Seattle is going nowhere this season and 2) He can just have fun this season because if he took it seriously he might actually kill himself. You can tell that he honestly doesn’t give a damn anymore. Its brilliant television. If you get the NFL Network, dvr/watch Sound FX for last week’s games, its totally worth it for this guy. Anyway, the Seahawks have beaten the Rams, Jags and Lions…no way they are winning this week, take the Cards and the points.

Philadelphia at SAN DIEGO -1

Last time Phily went out to the west coast they got beaten by the lowly Oakland Raiders. I don’t think this week will be much different…except that San Diego is actually starting to play really good football right now. Attribute this spread to the mighty EAST COAST BIAS and the lie that is the strength of the NFC East. Take the Chargers and let Marmalad/Kinglaserface take you to victory.

DALLAS -3 at Green Bay

Oh, see what i just wrote about the NFC East right there…well it doesn’t apply to this game. The Packers are a team in some serious trouble right now. Their offensive line is horrrrrrrrrrrible and Aaron Rogers isn’t helping things right now by not getting out of the way of all the defensive players that are sacking him. Even though the skill players are still putting up crazy good fantasy points, the team as a whole is not playing so well right now. The Cowboys, on the other hand, look to be gelling at the right time. Miles Austin is a revelation. That crazy toothed mofo can get open, run real fast and actually hold onto the ball. All the things that receivers should do, but so, so many of them dont. Look at Roy Williams, Ted Ginn and the entire Washington Redskins receiving corps and so many others for proof of that. Stick with what works, the power running and Miles Austin and Dallas should cover 3 points on the road here easy.

New England at INDIANAPOLIS -3 (+105)

CLASH OF THE TITANS! GAME OF THE YEAR! GAME OF THE MONTH! GAME OF OUR LIVES! This game is SO BIG they should put Pat Summerall and John Madden back together and reanimate Howard Cosell’s lifeless, dead and buried corpse to be the world’s creepiest sideline reporter EVER. Way creepier than Pam Oliver’s fivehead. Two of the douchiest quarterbacks ever in one EPIC BATTLE for AFC DOMINATION.

There are only 2 real good games this week, Cinci/Pittsburgh is one and this is the other and both are only AFC teams. The AFC playoffs are going to be so much more entertaining than the NFC games or the Super Bowl. Because of this, I think we should celebrate the AFC playoffs the way we normally celebrate the Super Bowl and celebrate the Super Bowl the way we normally celebrate the Pro Bowl, because in reality, it is going to be about as meaningful as that game. Whomever wins the AFC Championship is pretty much the best team in the league. At least reanimated Howard Cosell would say so…or something like “mmmMMRRRUURRGGGH!”

Anyway, I think it is possible that the Patriots are just dickish enough to end the Colts winning streak right here and leave Peyton Manning to look like, well, Peyton Manning, but I cannot resist a juicy line like the one I have above. Taking the favorite, giving points, but getting odds…I love it. People are on the Pats 2 to 1 in this one, but the line has been pretty steady at -3. I think the Colts D is getting stronger every week and Peyton is playing football as if he were Neo in the Matrix, everything is just slow for him. They stay unbeaten, take the Colts.

Baltimore at CLEVELAND +10

Baltimore has been looking pretty average as of late and this week the Derek Anderson show is over with Brady Quinn starting for the Browns. 10 points is an awful lot for the Ravens to score on the road, even though the Browns really have no defense whatsoever. This is a horrible Monday night game and ESPN should be pissed that it is on their schedule, especially with the Sunday Night game looking to be like the NBC’s Battle of the NFL Network Superstars. Just take the home dog and immediately hop in the shower to wash away the shame you will have for betting this game…and you will bet it. Its Monday Night Football, you are going to either try to cap your winning week off with a big win, or try to recoup your losses from all the other games you listened to me on. We all know this and you know this. Just admit you have a problem and that is the first step on the road to recovery.

UPSET SPECIAL OF THE WEEK

New Orleans at ST. LOUIS +13.5

My spidey sense was tingling last week with the Saints and I was right, they didn’t cover in a game they clearly should have…but I didn’t listen to it, much to my dismay. I’m not making the same mistake this week. Plus, while looking over the numbers on this one, pretty much 99% of the action is on the Saints to cover…yet the line either hasn’t moved or has gone DOWN from 14 points. What does that tell you people? It tells you that the Rams are the play here with out a doubt. I don’t exactly know how this is going to go down…but it will…and you will reap the benefits from it.

LOCK OF THE WEEK

DENVER -3.5 at Washington

Since I told myself that I could never bet on Washington again the rest of the season, this is the most obvious pick on the board. Amazingly, betting against Washington for the season has worked out quite well. As a matter of fact if you only bet against Washington all season, you would actually be up a considerable amount of money. The Redskins have beat the spread once, against Carolina, when they lost by 3 points instead of 5. They actually pushed their first game of the season, losing to the Giants by just 6 points. The other 6 games the Redskins have played this year, they failed to cover their end of the bargain. Fading the Redskins is the only way to gamble people! You would be 6-1-1 if you did this! So why go against the grain? Fade them again this week, take the Broncos who should easily cover 3.5 points against this woeful Redskins squad.

*Deuce of Davenport is only doing this column for entertainment purposes only, you’d be a fool to actually follow any of this advice and/or these picks. We accept no responsibility for anyone actually gambling with these picks.

Week 5 was a whole lot of more of the same, I got a little too cute with a few picks and ended up going 7-6 with my picks. I was perfect on my Upset Specials and Locks of the week though, so for the season we’re at 39-35, 3-2 on locks of the week and 2-3 on upset specials. Really, I am the most mediocre prognosticator there is, but it appears in the long term, you should finish enough over .500 to maybe break even…which is not good enough my friends. You deserve more. This week, we’re shooting for near perfection. Its been a long work week (hence why this place has been a ghost town this week), so my writeups will be quick, but here are the picks. As always, all lines are from TheGreek. Hot cheerleader is Tiffany Jimenez from the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Scroll to the bottom if you want to skip to the Upset Special and the Lock of the Week.*

KANSAS CITY +6.5 at Washington

Washington is playing with just 2 actual offensive linemen, the other 3 are just getting a headstart for halloween. I dont care how stout their D can be, Chiefs are, more than likely, winning this one straight up. If the Redskins do pull it out, it certainly wont be by a touchdown. Feel safe with this one.

Houston at Cincinnati OVER 46

All the Bengals do is play in close games, why should this one be any different against the occasionally high flying Texans’ offense. I thought about taking Texans +5 because of that, but I also expect this game to be a shootout. Each team scoring in bunches. Just play it safe and take the over.

Cleveland at PITTSBURGH -14

I’m not sure if the Browns will gain over 100 yards here. Only way the Steelers don’t win by more than 2 scores is if their horrible 4th quarter prevent D blows another huge lead. Lets hope they’ve figured that 4th quarter out. You’d think a team that won the Super Bowl the year before would have an inclination as to how to finish out a game strong. Its like they only really know how to come from behind, not play with a lead. Nevertheless, the Browns suck. Stillers dominate this one.

Baltimore at MINNESOTA -3

The Ravens defense is good but their offense is in the starring role this season. Unfortunately for them, the Vikings have a defense that can bottle up their newly dynamic offense and savvy/gritty/gutty/grizzled/tough/wise/veteran QB BRETTFAVRE will yet again perform well enough to solve any blitz thrown at him. Percy Harvin scores here too I think…just a random Peter King like guess there. You like that, I know it.

St. Louis at JACKSONVILLE -9.5

Sure the Jags got shut out last week, but the Rams have been shut out twice this year! Its scary laying this many points on the Jags, but I just have that little faith in the Rams ability to get in the end zone…that and I have a huge man crush on MJD.

Carolina at TAMPA BAY +3

This one is a pure gut feeling play here. I just think that Tampa’s running game and their super mobile QB will present a lot of problems for Carolina. Also, after 2 tough road games, this could be the Bucs’ last chance at a win in a while in a home game against a mentally beaten down team. I think the upset happens and Tampa wins its 1st game of the year.

Detroit at GREEN BAY -13.5

It is looking more and more like Calvin Johnson won’t be playing on Sunday. This news is horrible for my fantasy team, but excellent for my wallet. Take the Packers here and rest easy knowing your money is about to double up.

ARIZONA +3 at Seattle

Its tough to play in Seattle for sure, but Arizona does it twice a year and know what they are getting into. Well, that and the Seahawks really aren’t a good team despite what they did last week to Jacksonville. Kurt Warner flies high this game Arizona will win straight up, if the moneyline was better i would be all over that.

Bills at Jets UNDER 37.5

If you don’t live on the east coast, you might not know this but…it is friggin wet. REAL WET right now. This deluge wont stop for days, its Friday morning when i’m writing this and it wont stop raining until sometime next week. It will be raining on Sunday and with the Jets starting a rookie QB from Southern California and the Bills just being one of the worst teams in football playing one of the best defenses in the league…I am thinking all of this will keep the score loooooow.

Tennessee at NEW ENGLAND -9

The Patriots are going to flex their muscles here and show that they can, at times, play like the dominating team they used to be. The Titans will just stand idly by watching as it happens to them. No shocker here when the Pats win.

Chicago at ATLANTA -3.5

After last weekend’s offensive explosion, how do you not roll the dice and pick the Falcons here? You have to like what Ryan and White are doing in the air and Turner seems to be gaining his footing this season as a RB. Their D is also playing some decent football. I think the Bears hit a wall in Atlanta.

Denver at SAN DIEGO -3.5

The Chargers are coming off a bye week having rested and licked their wounds and they are going to come out, at home, on Monday night and put an end to the amazing win streak the Broncos are on right now. Believe in NORV! Chargers will win!

UPSET SPECIAL OF THE WEEK

NEW YORK GIANTS +3 at New Orleans

In my mind, the Giants are the most complete team in the NFC and possibly the NFL, unless they prove me otherwise by getting their asses handed to them, I think they should be favored in every game this year. So, in light of that, any time they are underdogs I am taking them…even though New Orleans is at home and coming off a bye week. 2 things that mean that I will probably soon be parted with my money…but i’m still liking the Giants here.

LOCK OF THE WEEK

PHILADELPHIA -14 at Oakland

I think there is some rule to NFL sports betting that if the home team is a 14 point underdog, you really just have to take them…but screw that rule. This year in the NFL has been no stranger to some crazy blowouts. The difference between the the haves and the have nots is HUGE this season. Take the Eagles, they cover this huge line easy. And if you’re ever up in Philly, hit up Monk’s Belgian Cafe…seriously the best mussels and fries in the city and a great selection of Belgian beers.

*Deuce of Davenport is only doing this column for entertainment purposes only, you’d be a fool to actually follow any of this advice and/or these picks. We accept no responsibility for anyone actually gambling with these picks.