Ozzie Guillen wants you to be honest. Anyone of us would be crushed if we got dumped by someone on Full House. You might not go full meth head like Stephanie Tanner but you might dip a bit heavy into the sauce. Whatever you do, it’s not ironic despite what Alanis Morrisette might say especially when it comes to Dave Coulier. Chicago pickup baseball may not have sold as many albums as You Can’t Do That On Television but it knows the definition of irony.

A stop the violence baseball game went wrong when a player busted a cap in his coach’s ass after an altercation in the dugout.

The shooting happened during the second game of the day for the Cardinals after the gunman became upset with Hall for pulling him from the game, the Cardinals’ captain told WGN-Ch. 9.

The captain, a 23-year-old man who did not want his name revealed, told the station the player tried picking a fight with the coach in the dugout until the captain intervened and kicked the player out.

The player retrieved a semiautomatic handgun, returned to the field and chased after the coach, firing repeatedly. At one point, the player stopped to reload his gun, said the captain.

Hall appeared to have been hit twice, in an arm and in the back, the captain said. When Hall fell to ground, it appeared the player wanted to continue firing at him, but he had run out of bullets, the captain said.

You can get it, boy! Now gimme dat sweet ‘nilla lovin’!

When Isiah Thomas left the Knicks, Eddy Curry was but the learner. Now he could be the master of sexual harassment. When the big man tells you to take care of the kid, you better drop to those knees as David Kuchinsky found out.

Curry is being sued by Kuchinsky, his former driver, who claims that he is owed back pay and expenses. Oh he also claims that Curry tried to get some sex on the side too.

The stunning court papers claim Curry, a married father of three, repeatedly approached chauffeur David Kuchinsky “in the nude,” allegedly telling him, “Look at me, Dave, look” and “Come and touch it, Dave.”

Curry also made Kuchinsky perform “humiliating tasks outside the scope of his employment, such as cleaning up and removing dirty towels [Curry had ejaculated into] so that his wife would not see them,” the Manhattan federal court suit says.

“Ja, you will love it when you touch it.” It gets better. Add a few racial slurs and some Plaxico Burress/Jayson Williams gunplay and we’ve got ourselves a good old fashioned Knicks sexual harrassment party.

And in a disturbing episode reminiscent of some of the evidence in the manslaughter case against former Nets star Jayson Williams, Kuchinsky further claims in his suit that Curry pointed a “fully loaded” gun at him on at least two separate occasions to keep him from complaining about his treatment.

“Look, I have one in the chamber,” Curry allegedly said.

Sit your $5 ass down before I make change. That’s so Nino Brown. It’s not clear whether gun should be in quotes as well. Curry could have been talking about his “love gun” or the mayonnaise gun he keeps in a shoulder holster that compliments the Roy Rogers holster of fries he always keeps at his side.

Of course, nothing has been proven so we can’t assume Curry is guilty unlike Isiah who we all knew was guilty from the jump. For the record, he and his lawyer deny the allegations.

His lawyer, Kelly Saindon, denied all of Kuchinsky’s allegations, calling them “absolutely untrue,” and saying he began making a series of claims for unpaid wages several months ago, upping the ante each time.

Saindon said Curry took a chance on hiring Kuchinsky despite a criminal record that includes a three-year prison sentence for a 1992 burglary in New Jersey. He also got three years’ probation in a 2004 resisting-arrest case in the Garden State, records show.

These accusations seem like the actions of a motivated sexual harasser and that makes us skeptical. Curry is world-renowned for his laziness and it’s hard to believe he could get the energy to pursue his driver with such determination. He only works this hard at the Times Square Olive Garden when he’s testing the limits of the Never-Ending Pasta Bowl.

Kuchinsky’s lawyer, Matt Blit might want to be careful. Anucha Browne Sanders ended up settling for over $11 million. Kuchinsky is suing for what amounts to barely $100,000 dollars. He might end up settling for free coffee.

Well that didn’t take long. What can be said about the one they call Pacman this time? At least he didn’t get into it at the strip club? I suppose that’s a start.

Pacman could be in some trouble unless the Cowboys cover up his latest altercation Michael Irvin-style. CBS11 in Dallas and Pro Football Talk report that Pacman was involved in a scrap at a Dallas hotel. The Dallas station calls the Tuesday night incident a “violent confrontation”. Allegedly it was between Pacman and a member of his security detail.

Sources say police were called after Jones argued with one of his own bodyguards. By the time police arrived he was headed back inside the hotel and patrons could clearly hear a fight going on in the bathroom.

That fight was allegedly between ‘Pacman’ Jones and a member of his security detail. Security inside the hotel allegedly pulled the two apart. At least one mirror was broken in the confrontation.

Sources say Jones went outside and left the hotel without paying his tab. He was reportedly with a woman who drove the two away from the scene.

Strangely enough, there was no police report. That’s how you circle the wagons, Dallas. It’s a time honored tradition in the Execution State. Anyway, Pacman’s going to do as Pacman does. If Shammgod can’t go to the mountain, the mountain will just have to come to Shammgod. You can’t keep Pacman away from beef forever. He’s gotta have it like Pookie.

Maybe the Bengals should sign Pacman’s bodyguard. He got to Pacman way more than Ocho Cinco.

UPDATE: The Bengals would probably have to give up too high a draft pick to get the bodyguard because he’s already down with America’s Team. PFT’s Mike Florio has a league source who says the bodyguard “was an off-duty police officer who has been hired by Cowboys owner Jerry Jones to babysit Pacman”.

The source says that the problem started because the babysitter popped off to Jones’ female companion. Jones, who had been drinking, then started up with the guy, and it culminated in a scuffle.

Jones, we’re told, had marks on his face at practice on Wednesday.

This keeps getting better. Only if the source knew what the bodyguard said to Pacman’s lady friend. Maybe he told Pacman’s bitch that he still felt that she owed him some sex.

CBS11 TV via Pro Football Talk.

Yo, I’ll drop the suit, Reggie! The depositions keep callin’ me, man!

This Reggie Bush business keeps getting darker and stranger by the day and we’re not talking about him being a bust compared to Mario Williams or dating a tranny.

New Era Sports co-founder Lloyd Lake was scheduled to be deposed yesterday in regards to his lawsuit against Reggie Bush alleging non-payment for money and gifts given to Bush starting in high school and continuing through his entire college tenure. If the allegations are proved to be true, Bush could lose his Heisman and USC could lose the wins and national title earned while Bush was on the team.

Bush denies the allegations and claims that Lake shouldn’t be believed because he’s a convicted felon. If that’s the case, why would someone show up unannounced to Lake’s deposition with a gun?

Charles Robinson and Jason Cole of Yahoo Sports report that Lake’s deposition didn’t take place due to the presence of an armed man who came with Bush’s attorneys, David Cornwell and Kevin Leichter. The attorneys “refused to reveal why the man was present”.

“All Cornwell said was that this guy was working for the law firm of David Cornwell and that he has a CCW (carrying concealed weapon) permit,” Watkins [Lake's attorney] said. “The guy sat with his arms folded the whole time, staring at Lloyd. Then he opened up his jacket and you could see that he had a gun on him. I asked (Bush’s attorneys) to identify him, and they refused to even tell me his name. Then after going back and forth about it, they told me his name, but wouldn’t tell me who he was working for or why he was there. I wanted a business card or something that explained who this guy was.”

Watkins said the man followed Lake in “an intimidating manner” almost immediately after Lake arrived for the deposition … After following Lake, the man sat down in the area where the deposition was to take place. Watkins said the man didn’t identify himself, and instead stared at Lake before eventually opening his jacket to reveal a handgun. At that point, Watkins said he asked that the man leave.

Watkins said he halted the proceedings when the armed man moved “only eight to 10 feet away” from where the deposition was set to take place

Robinson and Cole also report that Cornwell, who is also employed as an ESPN analyst, told ESPN said he was advised to take precautions in Lake’s presence.

We’re just going to assume that Reggie’s innocent so he decided to “persuade” Lake that this is a frivolous lawsuit by proxy. He’d be better off trying to steal the tapes of conversations between Lake and Bush’s father. The tapes played on Real Sports have Bush’s father promising that Reggie will pay Lake back on several occasions. Anyway, Bush has top notch representation and they wouldn’t allow him to put himself in a compromising situation as seen below in an excerpt from an ESPN chat on Ookie’s fate.

David Cornwell: That is a great point, Adam. Hopefully other young men, whether they play sports or not, will learn from Michael’s experience that bad choices inevitably lead to bad consequences. Michael had incredible opportunities because of his athletic ability and rather than embrace the opportunity he embraced risky behavior that not only cost him the opportunities but also cost him his freedom.

Charlie Casserly’s looking smarter by the day.

Scottie must be on the rock ’cause he’s talking crazy and not making any sense. It’s not going to be long before someone sees him running down a west Chicago street trying to steal a Christmas turkey.

Scottie turned up in Vegas this past weekend to declare his intent to return to the NBA as well as help stink up the joint during the non-sensical old timers, current timers, WNBA skills competition.

I see you, David Stern. You keep trying to sneak the WNBA in there like we’re not going to notice. Fuck you for that.

Harvey Araton of the New York Times asked Scottie whether he felt that he received proper credit for the six championships won by the Bulls.

“I think people love me as much as they love Michael, the fans who understand the game,” Pippen said. “The G.M.’s, the coaches — I think they’d rather have a Scottie than a Michael.”

Sympathetic as I’ve always been to Pippen, it was all I could do not to gag on the why.

“Because I’m an all-around player,” he said. “I make people around me better.”

There was no word whether Stern would banish Pippen, as he did Hardaway, if only on grounds of basketball heresy.

Rather have a Scottie than a Michael? Scottie’s as high as Pookie in the Enterprise Room. If he keeps this up, Michael might have to make him sit his five-dollar ass down so he can make change.

Sir Charles has always thought well of No Tippin’ Pippen.

“Last year he came to Houston and had career lows in just about every statistical category and everybody said he (was horrible). Now all of his numbers are even lower and people are saying how great he is. He is the same player.”

We can’t wait until Phil calls a play for Kwame Brown in the playoffs and Scottie takes himself out of the game.