Welcome to a "Jay Bilas Nightmare"

We’re almost 24 hours away from the best two days in sports.  Or, we are one day away from the best 48 hours in sports.  Or, we’re really close to hearing a ton of clichés about how this is the best time of the year in sports.  You’ve heard it every year.  It’s all the same.  Don’t get me wrong, the clichés are (mostly) true, but they are not without their charm (and the special folks that perpetuate them).

So without further adieu, the Top Ten things and people about March Madness that drive me nuts:

 #1: Arm-Chair Bracketologists.  “I really think Cornell will pull off a win against Temple — it’s a classic 5-12 upset!”  Really, how’d you come up with that one?  Oh yeah, I remember, everyone said that.  Pick an original upset.  By the way, Cornell isn’t that good.  They basically got a bunch of hype because they lost to Kansas by only five points.  Know who else they lost to: the University of Pennsylvania, who finished the 2009-2010 campaign with a stellar 6-22 record.  This brings me to my next point…

 #2: “Cinderella.”  Just because George Mason and Wichita State made it to the Elite 8 one year, doesn’t mean Northern Iowa and UTEP will do it this year.  It happens once in a hundred years, and all of a sudden every no-name team can go to the Final Four.  No, no they can’t.

 #3: The Women’s Tournament.  I’m all for Title IX and I have nothing but respect for the women’s game, but is it really a tournament if the same teams keep winning?  In the last fifteen years, UConn and Tennessee have won the title eleven times.  This year?  The Lady Vols have a number one seed along with the Huskies, who also have a 72-game winning streak.  So, yeah, that’s probably not going to change.   

 #4: The collective slurping of the Coaches. Seven months after his old team was forced to vacate an entire season, again, John Calipari is again the Belle of the Coaching Ball for taking Kentucky back to the tournament as a #1 seed and SEC champion.  Meanwhile, Bob Huggins, who ran a program that “lacked institutional control” (and eventually lost a few scholarships), is hailed as a savior for bringing WVU back into glory.  Is there any doubt that one of these programs is going to be competing on borrowed time?  Personally, I think Huggins deserves sanctions just for his wardrobe choices on the sideline:

Lookin' natty my man!

#5: Dick Vitale. For all of the usual reasons, but also because he didn’t deck Kyle Singler when he crashed into Dan Schulman.  Schulman is one of the few good ones.  If he gets hurt, you know who they are gonna bring back…

#6: “Snubbed” Schools. The ACC and SEC each have about 20 teams. Half of which are terrible. I’m guessing those were the teams you beat (Hi, Virginia Tech!).  And yet, somehow, Florida is still in.

 #7: Fans of “snubbed” schools. Even when the NCAA ruins the tournament for good and adds another 30 teams, there will still be irrational fans that are going to think they were snubbed.  My advice: your team should have played better in the regular season (and close losses don’t count). Either that or schedule some tougher teams and ratchet up the RPI (Virginia Tech?  You’re still here?).

 #8: The early games.  Even though roughly a tenth of the country is unemployed, there are only two demographics that can enjoy the 12:30 games on Days 1 & 2: college students and senior citizens.  And neither of them have money.  So, make the first round last three days instead of two. If the NBA bore-offs go from May until roughly November, why can’t this tournament go an extra couple of days so working folk can watch more games?    

 #9: “Bracketology.” While Joe Lunardi spends the entire year studying the field, some hair-dresser is going to win her pool because she picked Kansas.  However, the last time she even watched a college basketball game was 13 years ago, when she and a couple friends took a road trip to KU and she got drunk off of cheap beer and jungle juice, and then hooked up with some fraternity meathead.  She also knows the school is located in Lawrence, which is also the name of her first husband, who may also be in jail.  All good reasons to pick a team.

 #10: Conspiracy Theories.  The tournament is rigged. 

Enjoy the best time of the year in sports — if only because of these guys.  ONIONS!!!!

As a quick aside, hi, my name is Duke.  This is the first of what I hope are many posts over here at the Deuce.  I was someplace before this, but I’m damn happy to be over here now.  At least until the kindly purveyors of this place decide otherwise.  So, keep coming back and reading.  And for all you ladies out there who are interested in getting to know me a little better, this is a good start (h/t BTF).

The NCAA apparently wasn’t fond of the creation of the College Basketball Invitational tournament a couple years ago and, according to the CBI, has been actively threatening persuading teams to not play in it if they do not get into the NCAA tournament or even the NIT (which the NCAA owns as well). Rick Giles, president of the company that owns the CBI, had this to say to Fox Sports 26 in Houston:

“In fact in year one when we came in for selection weekend, I had cease and desist letters (from the NCAA) sitting on my desk, fax machine and e-mail.”

“They’ve also in a very subtle, and behind the scenes way, discouraged teams from participating in the CBI,” Giles said. “They’ve certainly discouraged them from choosing the CBI over the NIT, but have also suggested to teams it would be better if they did not play in the CBI even if they were not invited to the NIT, which is mind-boggling of course.”

“Teams have told us they were told not to play, teams particularly in the BIG 12 and the SEC,” Giles said. “Selected schools from both of those conferences told us in both years that they wouldn’t play even if they were not invited to the NIT.”

Despite these claims, Giles says his company is not going to sue them…yet.

“Suing the NCAA can be a very waring process,” Giles said. “So we would prefer not to have to do that. However, if they do anything that did threaten our existence, then we would consider that.”

Wait…didn’t he say the NCAA has been actively telling teams not to play in the CBI…or else? Isn’t that trying to threaten their existence? What gives there? I can understand saying that suing the NCAA is kinda foolhardy because they are monolith with unlimited funds that would bankrupt them from legal fees before the trial even finished, but if you’re gonna make this kind of claim, you might want to not destroy your argument after you made it.

In any case, I can see why the NCAA might feel threatened by another tournament stealing teams away from the NIT. Sure, no one really cares about the NIT except the schools that play in it, but it does pull in some cash from the games and television rights. There should, however, be enough teams to play in all the tournaments though. Schools that couldn’t get into either the NCAA or NIT now have a chance to prolong their season, giving those lesser teams just as much court time to play the game they love as the big boys, while providing those schools some extra cash from the games at the same time (since the games are played on home courts instead of neutral sites).

Simply put, if teams want to play they should be able to play. Its the most obvious argument I think I have made on this site and I’ve made a lot of em. The NCAA should think more about the kids and the schools than protecting all the money they make from the unpaid athletes on the court. Well, that argument could be used for a lot of things the NCAA does.

From Fox 26 Sports – Houston

Most men prefer the natural method of drinking copious amounts of alcohol to prevent their boys from swimming. How often has the statement “I’d have to drink enough to down a wildebeest and then some before I do that” been heard before a poor decision is made later in the evening? These men also know that an excuse to get out of work or a pressing engagement to watch sports is just that. It’s an excuse and nothing more. It’s not supposed to be taken literally. Someone might want to send a newsletter out because some men are taking their March Madness excuses a bit too far.

A large group of men use the NCAA tournament as an excuse to get out of work. No problem. We’ve all been there. However some are also using the tournament as a foil for their vasectomies.

“I’m booked up,” said Dr. J. Stephen Jones, chairman of regional urology at the Cleveland Clinic’s Glickman Urological and Kidney Institute. “My schedule on that part of the month filled up very quickly. It filled up ahead of time.”

Scheduling the procedure to coincide with hoops hoopla makes perfect sense, says Jones, who has done more than 2,000 vasectomies.

Perfect sense? My idea of enjoying the NCAA tournament involves macrobrews and fried food. It doesn’t involve a frozen bag of peas on my balls. The Oregon Urology Institute is offering pizza and a bag of frozen peas as gifts for men that sign up for the snip during the tournament.

Don’t worry, boys. I’ll stop you the old-fashioned way with a case of Busch Light or Natty Bo.

Step aside, Majestic Mapp. Move over, SirLancelot Brown. Ain’t no room for Exree Hipp over here. Boubacar Aw! Allow us to introduce you to Alabama State’s Chief Kickingstallionsims (if you aren’t already aware of him). Even Miami Twohurricanes can’t stop one Kickingstallionsims. Play in, playa. Play in.