Have you noticed an increasing nervousness over the past week? A feeling of impending doom that you couldn’t place? Don’t feel bad. You were just channeling Austrian terror. Ze Germans are back!

The last time the Germans went on holiday in Europe en masse, they took the Sudetenland and a world war started. This time, they were not so lucky. Over 200 Germans were arrested on Sunday following Germany’s 2-0 win over Poland in Euro 2008.

Many of the fans were chanting “Seig Heil” and other Nazi slogans. “Only about a dozen of those arrested were not German”. Israel has to be glad it didn’t qualify for the finals.

It’s good to see the Austrians step up this time as opposed to running and singing in the mountains or just giving up like the French. The Deuce is all about the cheap WWII joke. We’d say we’d be here all week but we can’t even promise that.

Being a British secret agent? Priceless. Losing your job because your wife was one of the prostitutes involved in the Max Mosley nazi sex orgy? Nah, that’s priceless.

In an extraordinary turn of events yesterday, MI5 was forced to deny through Whitehall channels that the orgy had been a “sting” that it had set up to discredit Mosley. “Any suggestion that the service was involved in setting up Mosley is total nonsense,” a senior Whitehall official said.

The official did disclose, however, that one of MI5’s officers had left the agency after his wife’s involvement as a call girl in the orgy became known. “I cannot talk about individual cases, but we do expect high standards of behaviour from all staff at all times, both professionally and privately,” the official said.

The officer forced to resign was working in surveillance. How the hell do you miss seeing this? The MI5 officer’s wife Mistress Abi was the one that sold the story to the News of the World.

Mosley is the current head of F1 racing and was caught on tape engaging in an orgy with a Nazi theme. His father was a well known facsist in the 30s and 40s who witnessed Adolf Hitler’s wedding in addition to heading up a fascist party in Britain.

Straight cash homey.

Good thing F1 boss and sexual holocauster Max Mosley doesn’t own Chelsea. He would most certainly deal with defender Tal Ben Haim in a harsh manner.

Ben Haim put keeper Petr Cech out for the season after running into Cech’s face with his cleats during training on Sunday. The cleats caused a laceration straight to Cech’s jawbone. He received “30 stitches sewn in the deepest area of the wound that stretches from his bottom lip to his chin, a further 20 on the outside of his face and also required plastic surgery ‘for aesthetic reasons’.

The collision was an accident but nonetheless puts Chelsea in the position of having one legitimate keeper coming into the Premiership and CL homestretches. All we need is for something to happen to backup keeper Carlo Cudicini and we could have a repeat of last season. If Ben Haim insists on being slow and useless, the least he could do is not injure his own teammates.

Speaking of Herr Mosley, his weak pleas that his Nazi orgy had nothing to do with Nazis have been bukkaked back in his face. Wunderbar! One of the hookers who participated in the orgy reported by News of the World claims that he ordered the Nazi orgy by name. “Max KNEW last week’s orgy was to have a Nazi theme—he ORDERED it!”

“We were only following orders,” said [News of the World's] informant, who does not wish to be identified. but admits she was one of five prostitutes who turned up at Mosley’s Chelsea dungeon at 11.30am on Friday, March 28.

“Max told Mistress Switch that he wanted a German dominatrix and she got one—Mistress Zena. She’s German and wore a German military uniform. Then Mistress Abi was booked and had to be in German uniform, too—a German Luftwaffe tunic. All the outfits come from army surplus stores.

…”And I was told to expect a very strong Nazi theme, including demeaning body inspections, brutality and that two submissive girls, called Leah and JD, must play the parts of camp inmates.

One has to appreciate that the ho used the Nuremberg defense. Daniel Day-Lewis would be proud. Never break character.

It’s easy to see why one would mistake the events that took place for a Nazi-themed orgy. Apologies due to Herr Mosley. His papers seem to be in order.