It’s one thing to get a Congressional intern shitfaced on multiple Irish Car Bombs (political milkshake for you P.C. types) and have him jump through an open bar window, mount a bike and start yelling “I’m a pony” before throwing him and a $20 bill in cab as he loses it all over the back seat.** It’s another thing to come out of the bushes during a soccer game with a chainsaw and try to chop off an opponent’s hand. If that doesn’t suit you, how about attacking with a long sword? Welcome to amateur soccer, England style.

Anthony Lloyd was sentenced to a year in prison and suspended for two years (whatever that means) for attempting to cut an opposing player’s hand off with a chainsaw during a soccer game.

Lloyd, 20, was ordered off the park pitch for foul language but returned with the running power tool and tried to chop the hands off rival Paul Westwood while yelling: “I’m a crank.”

The prosecutor claimed that Lloyd came back onto the pitch from the bushes and the victim’s friend ran off leaving him at the mercy of the chainsaw-waving maniac. It’s probably worth mentioning that he had been drinking. Amazingly Westwood only suffered a minor flesh wound.

Injuries were avoided in another match where a sent-off player returned with a golf club and long sword. Details are scarce as the teams are waiting for the referee’s report and they “don’t want to make it sound worse than it was and want to see what the authorities have to say”. Good point. It’s not like the wannabe Highlander was waving a chainsaw. Hopefully he claimed he was Spanish even though he had a Scottish accent. The match was abandoned after the incident.

Do the areas around English soccer fields need to be checked for weapons? Let’s hope no games are played near IRA weapons stockpiles. More troubles are the last thing anyone needs. My hope is that we see some of this behavior in the professional leagues. The next time John Terry gets sent off, he should rush Howard Webb with a blackjack while spitting and cursing like, like … John Terry. Stoke’s Ricardo Fuller could grab a strategically-placed mace from the touchline and rush his captain. The possibilities are endless.

**I’m not sure what that drinking story has to do with anything either.

I don’t know if Dr. Huxstable dipped into Theo’s “special” pudding pops, sniffed too much Picture Pages ink or mistook his roofies for antacid but he’s losing his damn mind.

We can’t wait until we get the Eddie Murphy “Raw” call from the Cos.

Mike Mussina back to Baltimore? Get off the pipe. How about some Teixeira and/or Burnett? Maybe the O’s can get David Wells, Armando Benitez and Esteban Yan back while they’re at it. I’m sure Jeff Reboulet is available. That’s a bit much. I can’t speak ill of Reboulet. His name does sound like Goulet and he had (and still could have) a strong moustache.

Idiot ideas like this are the kind of thinking that allowed Cal to stick around past his “sell by” date.

Matt Millen is finally gone but Detroit is still losing its damn mind.

Don’t go kicking balls over Joey Porter when he’s warming up. He’s liable to wreck your quarterback. It wasn’t enough for Joey to talk shit about Matt Cassel. He wanted the Patriots to know he was for real when he talked about whuppin’ that ass. Apparently the kickers didn’t believe him.

As his Dolphins stretched on their side of midfield, Porter said the Patriots kickers and some coaches walked through the team’s stretching lines. Chris Hanson then began punting the ball from Miami’s end zone over the rows of Miami players.

Joey wasn’t having any of that.

“I’ve been playing in the league for 10 years and I feel like I’ve done some crazy things, but I never did that,” Porter said. “You can’t walk right down the middle of somebody’s stretch and start kicking out of the end zone like we’re not even here, like they had the whole 100 yards. They just didn’t want their 50, they wanted our 50, too.”

“They knew what it was going to do to me,” Porter said. “It was going to get me fired up. I don’t know if it was an attempt to get me thrown out of the game, but I was smart enough to keep my cool. It was just very disrespectful.”

That’s not crazy. That’s just sick. What kind of person, let alone a kicker, would do something fucked up like that? Channing “Snow White” Crowder doesn’t get it either.

“He hates stuff like that. They got him going. Why would they do that? He’s already crazy, and they just poured fuel on it.”

Baring his belly at the opposing team during warmups isn’t provocative. Getting in the way of bullets outside of bars or stomping Levi Jones in a casino isn’t crazy either. Good thing we have Joey Porter to stay cool and make sense of things in this messed up world. Then again what was the guy from “To Catch a Predator” doing on the field anyway? Who was he after?