A London-based friend of the Deuce was kind enough to pass along the contract details of Manchester United’s Michael Owen. Here are some of the highlights.
£30,000 per week basic pay.
£20,000 per starting appearance, conditional on Owen completing at least three minutes on the pitch without collapsing in an anguished heap.
£20,000 per goal scored, as long as he doesn’t break his arm/hip/entire skeletal frame celebrating with Rio Ferdinand.
£30,000 for every goal scored against Liverpool, conditional on Owen dancing a jig in front of Rafael Benitez. Owen must not injure himself mid-jig.
£20,000 for every successful hounding of a referee. Must ensure official is too scared to award any controversial decisions against United for the rest of the match/season/eternity.
£20,000 one-off fee to take Nani on a helicopter ride to a small island off the coast of Iceland, and leave him there.
£20,000 one-off fee payable upon Owen burning all copies of his promotional brochure. He must never mention said brochure again.
£70,000 reduction in pay if Owen ever declares himself fit to play for England again.
We can’t wait until Rex Grossman and Daniel Cabrera come out with brochures touting the advantages of signing them. Rex Grossman: The Last Sex Cannon You Will Ever Need. He’d probably make it himself using crayons, macaroni, construction paper and lots of backwards R’s a la Toys “R” Us.
It may not work for Rextacy but it did work for Michael Owen who somehow convinced Sir Alex Ferguson to sign him for Manchester United. For every Ronaldo, there’s a Djemba Djemba. Even the Injury To Be Named Later couldn’t believe the brochure worked so well.
Shocking that Owen was able to do the interview in a somewhat vertical position. He probably pulled something when he got surprised at the fact that Ferguson was interested in him. I imagine it’s similar to Merrill Hoge giving himself a concussion at the very thought of Vince Young.
Arsenal striker Emmanuel Adebayor didn’t waste any time following Owen’s lead. The crew at Arseblog were lucky enough to get their hands on the Adebayor brochure. Let’s just say it puts Owen’s to shame. It won’t be long before teams such as Real Madrid, Inter Milan and Barcelona are offering Arsene Wenger wads of cash and little boys in exchange for the Togolese striker. How could they not afford to take this chance? Have a taste of Emmanuelessence.
Mr Emmanuel’s a tender and considerate lover in addition to being better than Marlon Harwood and Mido. What a bargain!
If women want to bear his children, you know Mr. Emmanuel is strong like an elephant in the bed. He is also the same in front of the goal. He most definitely has the first touch of a pachyderm, most likely a rhinoceros. His work with No More Boom Boom and K.U.N.T. make him that much more appealing to your women and male fans who would sleep with their favorite soccer star while wearing his shirt.
Not Irish and jazzy? Take that, Robbie Keane!
I don’t know about you but if I had a soccer team, I’d Adebayoratize it posthaste. I’d probably also Fellainiate it too just to add another fucking awesome hairstyle.
Heavens to Mergatroid! Next thing, you’re going to tell me that Mr. Mugabe is not an honorable man. It’s ridiculous how some British like to hold themselves above the rest of Europe as though they are immune to problems that affect other countries on the continent. Kind of like…Oh we don’t want to get too political here. We see the assclowns from all sides that comment on most political sites. No wonder we elect the hacks we do in this country.
The English press has had a free-for-all over bribery and corruption in the continental leagues but in the words of Malcolm X and Rev. Wright, the chickens have come home to roost. Don’t they always? Where else would they go? I want my chickens where I can see them.
The Independent reports that a footballer with a £50,000 gambling debt admitted that he fixed a match in the past two years to satisfy the debt. The unnamed player, who fell victim to Gamlor and is now in rehab, confessed that his bookie promised to release him from the debt if he got himself sent off and had three teammates booked. All the above happened as planned and the player checked himself into rehab as he was “ashamed and full of remorse” like Mark Foley without the booze (booze meaning boy love).
The suggestion that any match has been fixed – or that significant events within it have been rigged – is a nightmare scenario for football’s authorities. It is confirmation that football in Britain is not immune to the corruption that has recently blighted other nations – including Italy, Germany and Poland – albeit with personal addiction as a driving force, as opposed to institutional corruption or large-scale criminal syndicates in those cases.
Institutional corruption or large-scale criminal syndicates could never affect football in Britain. Sheeeit, the suggestion that somehow British football is immune to the same factors that cause continental corruption is absurd. “Oh that could never happen here.” Guess what? It is. People are fooling themselves if they think it isn’t. There’s too much money, ego and stupidity in the game these days.
Gambling is a problem with people including athletes the world over. There’s no reason British football should be any different. There are players who consider suicide because of gambling addiction just as there are many whose careers and family lives are affected. When young players are getting paid the way professional athletes do in the top leagues, there are going to be issues related to excess including gambling. Just ask Michael Jordan, Michael Owen and Art Schlichter of the late, great Baltimore Colts. Damn you to hell, Elway and Irsay.
Currently the FA allows players to bet on matches in which they have no involvement or could influence. American sports leagues seem to take a hardline stance especially in light of the Tim Donaghy scandal. Leagues outside of the US take a more flexible position such as the FA. People including athletes are going to bet on sports and it seems silly to pretend gambling doesn’t exist when we constantly pay attention to point spreads and it generates so much money. However people do need to believe that the results they see are legit. What is the middle ground? Mustafa is going back to the lab until he has an answer.
Welcome to the Deuce’s first soccer roundup of the offseason, you fat bastard. Yeah we have internationals all summer but they’re just good for exaggeration, hyperbole and humiliation. I’m looking at you, Enguhland.
Fish Don’t Burn In The Kitchen, Beans Don’t Burn On The Grill
It was all cute and shit when Bud screamed “King Me!” as he worked Cliff in checkers on the Cosby Show. It’ll be funnier when David “Goldenballs” Beckham screams the same when he receives his knighthood. It’ll also be pathetic when you realize that Bud’s pre-teen voice is higher than Beckham’s.
Becks is in line to receive a knighthood for his role in securing the 2012 Olympics for London and his charity work which includes saving England’s ass in the Euro 2008 qualifiers.
Congrats on dodging your chav destiny, Goldenballs. You and Skeletor Spice are no longer like school on a Saturday. Nothing says arrived like a scepter and a deluxe apartment in the sky or the Home Depot Center.
Who Ate All The Pies?
That’s what poor Aussie international Mark Viduka will be asking after he’s introduced to the Toon faithful. Viduka is the newest Newcastle addition after signing a two-year deal on Thursday.
“I am over the moon. I am really happy. The main thing that attracted me to the club was that it is moving towards making more Magpies which I love to eat.”
“What do you mean it’s just the team nickname? What do you mean it’s not even a pie let along food? Why the fuck did I leave Boro? Crickey, their gelatinous meat pies were to die for.”
Maybe he didn’t say that last part but I do find it strange that Michael Owen is trying to pull the Irish goodbye from Newcastle. It’s not even about the Newcastle girls who are so ugly they could make an onion cry. His numerous injury woes make him a gimpy target if Viduka goes on a hungry rampage like a pack of wild dogs on an antelope. It’s gonna get all Planet Earth at St. James Park.
Relegation weekend. It’s probably the greatest weekend in the Premiership next to the one where your team wins the league. If you’re not a Manchester United, Chelsea or Arsenal fan, you have no idea what we’re talking about unless you’re a fan of a team that narrowly escapes relegation.
That’s right, Liverfool. You’ve never seen Gerrard win the league.
Irony of ironies. West Ham celebrates safety at Old Trafford on the same day and at the same place where United lifts the Premiership trophy. Both teams jubilant and on opposite ends of the table. Promotion and relegation are part of what makes football the beautiful game.
Let’s bid a fond farewell to Charlton, Sheffield United and Watford. We hardly know ye. We’re sure former director and chairman of Watford Elton John is rewriting Candle in the Wind for Aidy Boothroyd.
