Well, what am I supposed to do? You won’t answer my calls, you change your number. I mean, I’m not gonna be ignored, Cristiano!

You don’t leave Sir Alex Ferguson unless he wants you to leave. Jaap Staam, Ruud Van Horseyface and David Beckham got off lucky. He wanted them gone. Cristiano Ronaldo was a different story. Fergie did everything he could to keep him there but the orange one was determined to go for the money grab. Fergie had a Pete Carroll reaction to Ronaldo’s departure and that should have been the end of it however…

We’re not saying Fergie’s the one who hired a witch doctor to put a curse on Ronaldo but someone did it.

Cristiano Ronaldo is under attack from a witch who has been hired to inflict a serious injury on the Real Madrid star.

It is claimed that a famous figure who knows the winger well has hired the practitioner to cast a voodoo spell.

‘I have nothing against this grand club,’ wrote the anonymous witch in a letter to the El Mundo newspaper. ‘I am a professional and get paid very well for using my powers.

‘I have been contracted so Cristiano Ronaldo suffers a serious injury. I can’t promise that will be, but I can say he will be injured for more time than he plays.

‘The person who has contracted me is famous, and knows the player personally.’

In other words, Jobu no help Ronaldo now. Someone’s about to get all Screwface on his ass.

Ronaldo’s current team, Real Madrid blew off the threat by saying this type of shit happens every day. A spokesman called it “a stupid thing just like all the others Madrid comes across every day”.

Wait until they get a bunch of dreadlocked Jamaicans storming the Bernabeu and Ronaldo gets introduced to Screwface’s sister, Goddess of Fire.

Don’t front like the thought hasn’t crossed your mind. Would you really be surprised if it turned out Usain Bolt was on the juice? I’m willing to give him the benefit of the doubt for now. I’m not saying he’s juiced but Carl Lewis is.

Speaking to Sports Illustrated, Lewis said,

“When people ask me about Bolt I say he could be the greatest athlete of all time. But for someone to run 10.03 one year and 9.69 the next, if you don’t question that in a sport that has the reputation it has right now, you’re a fool. Period.”

The Times of London calls Lewis’ comments incendiary but he does have a point. Granted Bolt hasn’t tested positive for anything yet but that is a huge time reduction.

Lewis also calls out Jamaica’s drug testing setup.

“I’m proud of America right now because we have the best random and most comprehensive drug-testing programme. Countries like Jamaica do not have a random programme, so they can go months without being tested. No one is accusing Bolt, but don’t live by a different rule and expect the same kind of respect. How dare anybody feel that there shouldn’t be scrutiny, especially in our sport?”

There it is. Usain Bolt has been called out. Will anything come of this? Unlikely. Will it result in increased scrutiny? Who knows. Track and field is lucrative but it could also use a big name star personality like Usain Bolt. The danger is that increased positive drug tests especially from stars could end up tainting the sport. All one needs to do is take a look at the public image of cycling.

Lewis better watch out. The Jamaicans might send Screwface after him. “Him dead and him don’t even know it!” One could also say it takes a fool to know a fool. His acting and singing make him a prime candidate for an electrified fooling machine.

Look Ma, no HIV! Tommy Morrison’s pretty selfish for not sharing his cure for HIV. I’m sure it involved some rum, chicken bones and a guy who calls himself Screwface. “Screwface give a thousand deaths worse than you!” I’m sure he’s cured. If he’s not, he’s going to spread some disease all over Leon, Mexico.

Morrison is going to fight in his second bout after being miraculously cured on the undercard of the Julio Cesar Chavez Jr.-Jose Celaya fight. He’s fighting some fool named Matt Weishaar from Kansas. The fight before them is between Juan Marichal’s cock and Little Jerry.

Promoter Bob Arum claims ignorance of Morrison’s addition to the fight.

“The fight happens to be in Mexico. It’s not like we’re doing the fight with Morrison to circumvent the rules,” Arum said. “If the fans want to see it, let ‘em do it. If you were going to watch the show, as I would to see this kid [Chavez] in his development against Celaya, who is a step up, I think that’s worthwhile doing. That’s why I am doing the show. But anyone who wasn’t going to buy it and now you decide to buy it just to see Tommy Morrison, you’re out of your mind.”

Sure whatever you say, guy.