Damn Saskatchewan wasn’t kidding about the roughriding. Just hope their GM wore one when he was getting his Mark Chmura on.

The NFL season is underway with fans across the nation frothing at the mouth for every last bit of news about their favorite teams, heading out to training camps in the July heat and stocking up on stupid, insane memorabilia that they think proves their loyalty to a team and league which cares only about the money they give them. Which brings me to this…there are some NFL products out there that I know the vast majority of people out there would never buy…ever. I make no apologies for my love (hate) of the Washington Redskins, but that doesn’t mean I would buy anything with a logo slapped on it. I have a couple t-shirts, a coffee mug and a jersey for the late Sean Taylor…thats it. Does anyone need more? There is a whole lot of crap out there and we’re gonna show you the worst of the NFL merchandise that you can purchase for this upcoming football season:

The NFL $3000 Purse:
I honestly cannot believe I just wrote that but there are three thousand dollar NFL licenced purses that you can buy that feature over 5,300 Swarovski crystals to give them all sorts of bling. My mouth is agape. Although if that purse is too pricey, you can always pick up the $2449 football shaped Swarovski crystal purse. Yes, that is far more practical.

The NFL Office Chair:
I’m not sure what office you work in, but mine does not allow me to spend $400 on an office chair just because it has the team colors and logo of my favorite franchise. While I am sure it’s plenty ergonomic, this is just an utter waste of resources here. The office manager would be throwing a fit when I tried to write this off…and by office manager, I mean the woman I live with who would force me to sleep in that chair because I spent $400 on it instead of say, a new comforter set for our bed.
The NFL Boiler:
A fucking boiler? Is there no limit to what the NFL will license it’s name out to? Jesus Christ. The last thing I want to think about when I’m cooking up a pot roast is how my team is going to cope with a 2 game losing streak…oh wait, its not even made for cooking! If you look at the description, this is just a glorified copper basket. You’re supposed to use it for firewood or to fill with ice for your favorite beverage…for $199. Shit, for 200 bucks, this thing better start the fire, cook me dinner and hand me my favorite beverage.

The NFL “Creepiest Sleeping Bag Ever“:
“Ya sure, I’ll be in bed in a sec hon, I’ma just gonna to check on lil’ Brett…AH JESUS CHRIST! Lil’ Brett, what da hell are ya doin’ tah your sleeping bag???” Yea this thing isn’t creepy. When I have kids, I want them all to cuddle in bed next to their favorite Packer…not named Mark Chmura. As a side joke, the bag is not waterproof, insert your own here.

The NFL Watch:
Personally, I have no hesitation in dropping $1500 on a watch made by a company that I’ve never heard of, just so long as it has the official NFL seal of approval. That means it’s quality right there. Screw Tag or Rolex or Breitling, NFL is tha shit son. Everyone I know will be jealous of my fifteen hundred dollar watch with gold accents (ACCENTS?) and ceramic dial (CERAMIC???) not to mention the diamonds at the 12, 3, 6 and 9 time marks. Oh yea…bling bling son, bling bling.
NFL Pool Chlorinators:
Well this is just logical isn’t it?

The NFL “We Don’t Support Any Religion But Christianity” Advent Calendar:
Lest thee wonder which religion is the official religion of the NFL, wonder no longer.
The NFL Cufflinks:
When I rock a fine suit, the first thing I want people to see when they see me is what NFL football team I root for. Hell yea! This will be perfect for the next office party.

NFL Autographed Ryan Leaf Photo:
Yea, that was a little mean.

You have to ask yourself one question. Do you feel lucky, punk? Well, do ya?

Yes. Yes I do.

Shit, guess I’m fucked.

Clint Eastwood is bringing the grizzly detective back one more time just to kill him off. We think this is a solid idea. We’re not opposed to seeing another Dirty Harry movie especially if we know it exists to give Harry a proper sendoff into the afterlife or to a dirt nap for all you atheists out there. More actors should consider a similar end for their characters. We’re looking at you, Sly. The world is begging for another Stop or My Mom Will Shoot or Judge Dredd 2: Electric Boogaloo. Rob Schneider needs a job soon before Deuce Bigalow becomes a documentary. Bonus points for Stallone if he kills off Dredd and his annoying sidekick.

The demise of Dirty Harry got us thinking. What if athletes resumed their careers just so they could go out in a blaze of glory? We tried to keep this to players are currently retired but no reason why it can’t involve active players. This probably won’t work but I’m not turning back now.

Michael Vick

Vick is released from jail and has to return to football in order to pay off his debts. He makes a team as a reserve running back only to be called into action as QB when the starter and backup both get injured. He throws for 275 yards and four touchdowns. He also runs for 89 yards and one touchdown. He becomes the new starter and his team makes a successful run to the playoffs. Vick wins Comeback Player of the Year. Meanwhile a cure for herpes is found and PETA forgives him for his past transgressions. Everything’s coming up Mexico. Vick invites his teammates to his modest house to celebrate their first-round bye. A neighbor in his cul-de-sac is washing his F-150 in his driveway. His dog jumps in the driver’s seat after smelling the Snausages his owner was eating under the seat. It inadvertently knocks the truck into drive. It rolls down the driveway and picks up speed on the decline. It flies onto Vick’s lawn and nails him just as he’s giving a toast proclaiming he’s king of the world again.

Mark Chmura

After several years out of the game and having to hear Brett Favre constantly go back and forth about coming back, Chewie decides to make his own comeback as a way to make people forget about his molestiness. He talks his way into a tryout with the Packers and somehow makes the team when every starting tight end in the NFL comes down with Ebola after a Oxfam charity trip to the Congo. The worst part is none of the Congolese know what the NFL is and keep asking the TE’s if they can give up Dikembe Mutombo’s number. Chewie’s contributions end up helping Aaron Rodgers and the Packers make the NFC Championship game. They win the game in overtime and Chewie shows up big time. He pays for some teammates to hit Acapulco with him to celebrate. While they’re down there, they get separated and he runs into a cute underage girl. He can’t resist the urge and convinces her to come back to his room with her. He makes them some drinks and the next thing he knows, he wakes up in a hot tub full of ice and missing a kidney. To top it off, he suffers frostbite and has to have his foot amputated.

Roger Clemens, Sammy Sosa, Mark McGwire, Barry Bonds

Roger Clemens comes back to some desperate team. Barry Bonds who just came back after finally being signed kills him with a line drive to the face only to then be killed by Mark McGwire who just came back and in a ‘Roid rage fit crushes his skull when Bonds fails to tag home base after a home run. McGwire is then killed by Sammy Sosa who just came back and injects McGwire with antifreeze because Miguel Tejada told him it will make him huge, who then kills himself by accidentally shooting himself while sneezing. Fin.

Here’s some video of Brett Favre, Dorsey Levins, LeRoy Butler and Mark Chmura discussing endzone dances.

You should have seen me spike that high school girl in my hot tub. I can’t dance but you betcha I can sure get rapey!