We can’t wait until Rex Grossman and Daniel Cabrera come out with brochures touting the advantages of signing them. Rex Grossman: The Last Sex Cannon You Will Ever Need. He’d probably make it himself using crayons, macaroni, construction paper and lots of backwards R’s a la Toys “R” Us.
It may not work for Rextacy but it did work for Michael Owen who somehow convinced Sir Alex Ferguson to sign him for Manchester United. For every Ronaldo, there’s a Djemba Djemba. Even the Injury To Be Named Later couldn’t believe the brochure worked so well.
Shocking that Owen was able to do the interview in a somewhat vertical position. He probably pulled something when he got surprised at the fact that Ferguson was interested in him. I imagine it’s similar to Merrill Hoge giving himself a concussion at the very thought of Vince Young.
Arsenal striker Emmanuel Adebayor didn’t waste any time following Owen’s lead. The crew at Arseblog were lucky enough to get their hands on the Adebayor brochure. Let’s just say it puts Owen’s to shame. It won’t be long before teams such as Real Madrid, Inter Milan and Barcelona are offering Arsene Wenger wads of cash and little boys in exchange for the Togolese striker. How could they not afford to take this chance? Have a taste of Emmanuelessence.
Mr Emmanuel’s a tender and considerate lover in addition to being better than Marlon Harwood and Mido. What a bargain!
If women want to bear his children, you know Mr. Emmanuel is strong like an elephant in the bed. He is also the same in front of the goal. He most definitely has the first touch of a pachyderm, most likely a rhinoceros. His work with No More Boom Boom and K.U.N.T. make him that much more appealing to your women and male fans who would sleep with their favorite soccer star while wearing his shirt.
Not Irish and jazzy? Take that, Robbie Keane!
I don’t know about you but if I had a soccer team, I’d Adebayoratize it posthaste. I’d probably also Fellainiate it too just to add another fucking awesome hairstyle.
If you spend money on something, you expect to get exactly what you paid for. Anything extra is a bonus. This is a post about a bonus Real Madrid doesn’t need or want. The thought of Cristiano Ronaldo hooking up with Paris Hilton should send the Real hierarchy into panic mode. It’s unlikely the club counted on getting a case of the herp along with the opportunity to negotiate terms with the FIFA Player of the year when they paid $130 million to Manchester United.
TMZ reports that Ronaldo met the queen of chickenheads up in the club and ended up accompanying her to her sister Nicky’s house. That physical better include a trip to the free clinic. The idea of him playing at his best during an outbreak is laughable. He whines and dives when he’s healthy so one can only imagine how he’d act when “under the weather”. He’s no Mike Tyson. The former champ won a title belt while ignoring a case of gonarrhea. That’s just wanting to be the best. Ronaldo and his agent might want to consider including a supply of Valtrex when negotiating his $500,000 a week salary.
Thursday, June 4th, 2009 at
It’s bad enough when prostitute-loving Cristiano Ronaldo is dating your sister. It’s even worse when pictures like these are splashed across the English papers. This is Juliano Belletti’s new world.
I don’t know nuthin’ bout no swine flu. All I know is that I got me some swine fever and I’m lovin’ it. Bacon up that sausage? Way ahead of you. On the other hand, Manchester United better know and be ready for some swine flu when they take on Arsenal in a Champions League semi-final match later today.
Arsenal travel to Old Trafford this evening to take on English rivals Manchester United. The competition offers the Gunners their last chance to win silverware this season and they’re taking no chances. That doesn’t mean manager Arsene Wenger is tempting United’s youth contingent with a packet of sweets and a cheeky smile. He has a secret weapon in the form of Mexican Carlos Vela who was quarantined due to worries about swine flu.
Vela was recently allowed to rejoin his Arsenal teammates in training after fears of swine flu infection lead to his ban from training. He was visited by several friends from Mexico which lead to fears of swine flu infection. Teabagging Wayne Rooney might be a bit obvious. Don’t be surprised to see Vela attempt to spoon Ronaldo and cough in his face during one of his many dives.
Piped in music and fake crowd noise used to be the domain of American indoor sports especially the NBA. No longer. As the Guardian noted, “Manchester United’s humiliation last Saturday started long before kick-off”. Check this pathetic display by the in-house DJ to rally the crowd. To call this song shit would be an insult to poop.
United went on to lose 4-1 to Liverpool. A fate well deserved. In case you were wondering, they lost 2-0 to Fulham this past Saturday and finished the game with nine men after Paul Scholes and Wayne Rooney were sent off. Karma is a cold unforgiving bitch. Let this be a lesson to the rest of the league.
** Don’t worry. We’ll get in a Long-EZ joke next time anything John Denver related comes up in a post.