Don’t believe him? Ask the Rolex-wearing Pope. Apparently Cantona gave it to him like an altar boy. Payback’s a bitch, your eminence.
You might remember Manchester United’s Eric “Ooh Aah” Cantona from such incidents as the infamous kung fu kick where he rushed into the crowd and dropkicked a Crystal Palace supporter in 1995.
Well 10 years later, people including two Dieters posing as journalists hadn’t forgiven Cantona for his actions. Let’s say he didn’t take it too well.
The Deuce is great when it comes to starting weekly posts that we have no intention of keeping up. This one is no different. Douche of the Week should be self-explanatory. Email us if you need clarification. You may find yourself in the mix for the following week. First up is a fan at the Chelsea-Manchester United match this past Sunday. We’ll get to John Terry’s dad in a few but witness this off-brand Mark Morrison who managed to make his way onto televisions around the world.
Brushing during a game? Really? Did he want to look his best for Drogba as he came off the pitch? That’s bad enough. Note that he’s also wearing his sunglasses at night. One would have been enough to put him into contention but the combination of the toothbrush and sunglasses made him this week’s winner. It wouldn’t surprise us if he was sucking on a pacifier when he didn’t have the toothbrush in his mouth. Assclown.
An alarming trend is increasing in English soccer. We’re not talking about roasting. That goes back to the days of the Magna Carta. We’re talking about players getting on the mic and thinking they have skills. We last brought you the manatee-ish warblings of Cristiano Ronaldo covering Julio Igelsias. Don’t worry, Man U fans. You still have Rio Ferdinand. He may be shit on the pitch lately but at least his skills on the mic haven’t faltered … Um never mind.
Fergie should bench him for this abomination. Never mind his crap form for United.
Speaking of Ronaldo, we can’t leave you without letting you know about his new collaboration. The Portuguese walrus of love is reportedly collaborating with Joe Jackson to put an end to George Foreman’s reign as the king of grills. The two are teaming up to release a line of grills shaped like soccer balls called “Goalie Grills”.
If there’s anyone who knows how to work a grill, it’s the guy pictured above. You know I could go with the boxer but I’m gonna go with the effeminate soccer player with the short shorts and pink shirt. Hopefully the grill plays his new jam whenever it’s opened. How long until your guests find a way to impale you with a spatula or spork?
Joe Jackson is claiming this story is true so it’s probably not since we haven’t heard from the tikka-tinged one. If this project is legit, it’ll end with Joe beating Ronaldo to a pulp. “Always be selling, fancy boy!” Tito will be in the corner crying, “That’s what daddy did to Michael when he took my syrup! Mama, make him stop!” while Katherine screams, “Joe, stop beatin’ that girl! Joe, stop beatin’ that girl!”*
Your mind’s not playing tricks on you. This post’s title is similar to the previous one. We just can’t be bothered to try this afternoon. We also don’t have some crazy wife waiting at home to stab us because we got lazy while blogging. Too bad the same can’t be said for a Malaysian man who’s in the hospital thanks to his wife and a kitchen knife.
The unidentified man was stabbed twice in the chest by his wife after coming home late from watching Manchester United play the Malaysian national team. He promised to come home immediately after the game but didn’t show up until after midnight. In his wife’s defense, she did take him to the hospital after stabbing him. Police are still deciding whether to file charges against her. That’s some mighty fine police work, Lou.
A London-based friend of the Deuce was kind enough to pass along the contract details of Manchester United’s Michael Owen. Here are some of the highlights.
£30,000 per week basic pay.
£20,000 per starting appearance, conditional on Owen completing at least three minutes on the pitch without collapsing in an anguished heap.
£20,000 per goal scored, as long as he doesn’t break his arm/hip/entire skeletal frame celebrating with Rio Ferdinand.
£30,000 for every goal scored against Liverpool, conditional on Owen dancing a jig in front of Rafael Benitez. Owen must not injure himself mid-jig.
£20,000 for every successful hounding of a referee. Must ensure official is too scared to award any controversial decisions against United for the rest of the match/season/eternity.
£20,000 one-off fee to take Nani on a helicopter ride to a small island off the coast of Iceland, and leave him there.
£20,000 one-off fee payable upon Owen burning all copies of his promotional brochure. He must never mention said brochure again.
£70,000 reduction in pay if Owen ever declares himself fit to play for England again.
