Goldie says “Rawr!”. While Oscar was off being dominated and working the hell out of some fishnets (I’ll never look at them the same again), Floyd Mayweather Jr. was trying to man up in England. He was probably worried about how he’d look dancing in seaquins on Dancing with the Stars. He’s definitely in the clear now.

Mayweather was given a big “Who Are Ya?” in Manchester while promoting his upcoming fight with Ricky Hatton. He wore a Manchester United jersey in order to piss off Hatton’s fans. Hatton is a declared Manchester City supporter. Not quite as good as wearing the sombrero while entering the ring against de la Hoya but strong nonetheless. It’s the attention to detail.

Sky Sports News was there to cover the hero’s welcome.

I don’t know about you but I can’t wait until the press conference of the Mayweather-de la Hoya rematch. It’s hard to believe that Mayweather hasn’t been all over Goldiegate.

Photo: Courtesy of SportsByBrooks and X17.

So we’ll try to make this soccer roundup a regular Wednesday feature. Don’t think that means we’re a thing … cause we’re not. Let’s just see where this goes. Don’t look at me like that. Come on girl. You know we can’t get much better.

Let Me Be The First To Welcome Our New Masters

The pace of foreigner buying Premiership teams has picked up considerably in the past months. Ex-Thai prime minister Thaksin Shinawatra is still sniffing around Manchester City like a dog going for the ball check. Arsenal is holding off American Stan Kroenke with the Heisman like an ugly girl at the club. Hong Kong businessman Carson Yeung has had less drama and has managed to purchase 29.9% of Birmingham City’s shares from several directors such as sex shop and porn kings David Sullivan and the Gold Brothers.

A complete takeover isn’t a guarantee but it could still happen. One has to think 29.9% of all shares entitles Yeung to whatever sex toys and porno mags he finds at St. Andrews. This sets up the awesome possibility of Yeung beating Mikael Forssell senseless with a 12-inch black dildo a la Hatchet Harry when he comes off injured for the 436th time.

There’s A Joke In Here Somewhere

Poland and Ukraine are hosting the 2012 Euro tournament. Yeah, let that sink in for a minute. One of the problems is that the current stadiums and roads are in poor condition. To top that off, many construction workers have emigrated to western Europe for better paying jobs. Problem? No problem, my best sincerity friend!

Ain’t nobody talkin’ when I’m talkin’ so shut the fuck up. Poland is considering using prisoners to build the necessary stadiums and roads.

Pawel Nasilowski, deputy head of Poland’s prison service, said it could form part of a European Union-funded programme to rehabilitate prisoners.

Sometimes the jokes write themselves. That’s all I’m saying. I’m off to Poland in August and the last thing I need is bad karma (mmmm chicken korma) or a posse comitatus released on my ass. Oh we’re big in Poland. We’re also huge in Niger, Bhutan and Pitcairn Island (mmmm incest).

There’s Only One God Called Xenu

Don’t be surprised if you start finding Dianetics on your seat at your next LA Galaxy game. The New Zealand Herald reports that David Beckham’s prime homey Tom Cruise is considering an $80M takeover of the Galaxy.

The article is “surprisingly” short on details but it does raise the possibility of halftime rants about the dangers of anti-psychotic drugs given by Cruise and John Travolta. Perhaps our mini-demigod can help Landycakes get over his fear of European soccer.

If I wanted to watch shit like this, I could have gone to Sunderland.

I don’t know about you but I think Thierry’s aging pretty fast and morphing into Russell Simmons.

Welcome back to the soccer/football roundup. It’s supposed to be a regular feature on the Deuce but I forgot about my lazy. I’m about as committed to excellence as the Raiders. Instead I promise you the same title so that you’ll always recognize it whenever it shows up. Let’s kick it off with Wazza.

You Gotta Eat Lightning and Crap Thunder

Alternatively you can eat sky blue and crap red. Ricky Hatton fans who support Manchester City are up in arms over Hatton’s plans to have his boy Wayne Rooney carry one of his championship belts into the ring in Vegas when he takes on Jose Luis Castillo.

Some fans with tickets are threatening to boycott the fight if Rooney appears in the ring. It would be one thing if Joey Barton were still around but City fans are showing the smarts that have taken them to the heights of the bottom half of the table. Yeah that’s it. I’ll buy a plane ticket to Vegas and a ticket to the fight but I’ll say eff it if Rooney shows up. I bet the Gallagher brothers are involved in this scheme.

Rio Ferdinand, Wes Brown, Joe Cole, Jamie Carragher, Shawn Wright-Phillips and David Dunn are expected to watch the fight in person. Our money’s on Rio making it rain at some point this weekend.

Bobby Zamora Drinks Lead Paint

What other explanation could there be for Zamora pretending a friend was driving his car in order to avoid getting a speeding ticket when camera footage showed he was the one driving? He was arrested and freed on bail on suspicion of perverting the course of justice. Kind of like when Ric Ocasek married Paulina Porizkova. Hey oh! Zing!

Jose Don’t Like The Africans So Much

Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho says he’s finished signing African players.

“African players are excellent technically and are natural fighters but when you have a lot of them you have to say stop, no more.

“Losing them can kill your team at a crucial time. If someone asks me do I want more African players, I’d say no.”

That ain’t even right, Jose. Letting a tournament come between you and some Africans.

The Premiership season may be over but that doesn’t mean the Deuce stops bringing you news from the world of football that you crave like Pookie craves the pipe. The Deuce is happy to oblige. You may be sorry.

Strangé! Strangé!

You go, Ronny! You just won the Premiership. There’s nothing for you to do now but sashay!

68,000 screaming fans are waiting for you and the rest of the team to claim your medals and trophy but you have to wait because someone decides their hair isn’t perfect.

Cristiano Ronaldo held up celebrations at Old Trafford last Sunday because he needed time to fix his hair.

An Old Trafford source said: “Ronny was more concerned with the state of his hair.

“He was in front of the mirror, as usual, taking an age to slick back his hair.

“Some of the backroom lads joked they’d have to come back on Monday to collect their medals!”

Well after all, preening yourself before you walk out in the rain after a match is really going to make a difference. Maybe he had to make some other adjustments like…I don’t know…a tennis ball or something.

Punks Jump Up To Get Beat Down

The saga of Joey Barton just keeps getting better. He should have learned from Ronnie Biggs, gone to Brazil and impregnated some lucky lady instead of going to the Algarve and returning to England.

Barton was arrested and released on bail for his training pitch attack on Manchester City teammate Ousmane Dabo.

This isn’t Joey’s first run-in with the law. In case you’re unfamiliar with Joey’s past, we ran down the rap sheet a couple weeks ago.

If he ends up going to prison, maybe he can share a cell with his friendly brother, Michael.

Wazza Wazza Wazza

Why three times? Because Wayne Rooney’s attending three weddings in one day. He may not be scoring for his country but he knows how to score free buffets and open bars.

Steven Gerrard, Michael Carrick and Gary Neville are getting married on the same day. Most people would pick one and send their regrets to the other two but not Mr. Rooney. Three weddings. So many mothers. So many cougars. Rawr!

Oh yeah, Stevie G’s throwing a £500,000 wedding and he’s serving up fish and chips, mashed potatoes, curry, trifle and bacon sarnies to be made available. What the fuck are trifle and bacon sarnies? Well bacon’s involved so it can’t be that bad. It’s great when the WAGs (Wives and Girlfriends) get involved.

“Alex (Stevie’s fiancee) has even stipulated the chips are to be ‘fat chips and not fries’. It must be a taste thing.”

You’re practically royalty, sweet tits.

Hulk No Like Relegation Or No Pay

Wow. This has been a bitchy roundup. I’m not sure why but let’s try to move on and close out strong like Alfonso Alfonseca (Dominican for base hit). Umm, never mind.

This Carlos Tevez situation has taken on a life of its own. Wigan, Charlton, Fulham and Sheffield United appeared to be slowing down in their quest to sue the Premier League over West Ham’s acquisition of Carlos Tevez and their subsequent survival at their expense. Of course, one can say that even if Tevez was used illegally Charlton, Wigan and Sheffield United didn’t do what they had to do.

Since the last weekend of the season (three days ago), Sepp Blatter and FIFA have gotten involved and promised an investigation of why West Ham didn’t have points deducted from their total after being found guilty of breaking Premiership rules. Ah Sepp, the George Mitchell of football. Bringing honor and integrity back to the game. Why don’t they put Don King on the case while they’re at it?

Now the Guardian reports that West Ham stands to profit millions when Tevez is sold due to paperwork shenanigans.

…The only document relating to West Ham that remains legally enforceable from the complicated sheaf of paperwork that dictated the terms of Tevez’s arrival in London last August is his playing contract. That means he is West Ham’s player and that the club alone would be due any fee from his sale.

The offshore companies are understood to retain commercial contracts with the Argentinian player. These would permit the companies to sue for damages in a commercial court if West Ham refused to pay them a consideration for any transfer fee they received – and with Real Madrid linked with a £30m bid for Tevez, that could be considerable.

Such contracts between the player and third-party companies are perfectly legal under the Premier League rule U18 that led to £3m of the £5.5m fines imposed on West Ham last month. This is because the rule governs the conduct of clubs, not of players.

In any case, third-party contracts governing players’ image rights and so-called “escape clauses” allowing certain bids to trigger a player’s release are commonplace in the Premiership. Beyond national borders, the involvement of third-party companies in player ownership is widespread.

If the relegated teams are mad about the loss of Premiership tv money, they’ll be livid if this plays out and West Ham pockets a huge chunk of a possible £30m.

This is a debacle and it’s not surprising that the Premier League dropped the ball. If the third party contract was illegal, West Ham should have been docked points for every game Tevez played. How does a fine rectify the situation? They still benefit from his contributions as could be seen on Sunday when his goal saved them from relegation. Their win against Manchester United condemned another team to Championship football and the loss of tv money after the balloon payment.

The Premier League abdicated their duty to do the right thing. It’s not surprising considering how cowardly and inept the FA is when it comes to footballing matters.

Whoop Whoop That’s The Sound Of The Police

The sound of the beast was Jose Mourinho’s Yorkshire Terrier biting some bobby’s ankles. Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho was arrested last night after he prevented police from taking his dog.

Mourinho’s wife Tami called him home from the Chelsea Player of the Year awards ceremony. When he got home, he “refused to let police take the dog and got into an argument with officers”. He was arrested and released with a caution for obstructing police.

“Officer were concerned the dog had been taken abroad, then back to Britain, without the required jabs.”

Finally the police felt the fury that Graham Poll and fourth officials have experienced ever since Jose came to the Premiership. Only if they could have him arrested…

Pacman Jones finally learned his lesson. Nothing says “I is sorry” like a full page newspaper ad.

Alcoholics Anonymous doesn’t accept that individual, one-step bullshit. What Pacman needs is a support group. Nothing makes one think they’re not that bad as a group of allies.

Pacman, meet Joey Barton of Manchester City FC.

Barton was banned for the rest of the Premiership season by Man City for beating fellow City player Ousmane Dabo “into Elephant Man”. He knocked Dabo unconscious and continued to beat him like Marvis Frazier.

You might think this penalty is a bit harsh or Goodell-like but this wasn’t Barton’s first offense.

2004: February – Sent off after half-time in an FA Cup tie at Tottenham with his team 3-0 down. City go on to win 4-3.

April – Stormed out of Eastlands before kick-off after being axed from the side to face Southampton.

July – Blasted by manager Kevin Keegan for causing a mass brawl in pre-season friendly at Doncaster.

December – Stubbed a lit cigar into the eye of young team-mate Jamie Tandy during club’s Christmas party. Fined six weeks’ wages by City. Forced to pay four weeks’ salary – approximately £60,000 – immediately, with a further two weeks suspended for a year.

2005: May – Barton breaks leg of 35-year-old pedestrian while driving his car at 2am in Liverpool city centre.

July 22 – Involved in an altercation with a 15-year-old Everton fan at City’s team hotel in Bangkok, where the team are playing in the FA Premier League Trophy.

July 27 – Fined eight weeks’ wages by City after being found guilty of gross misconduct in the Bangkok incident. Accepts punishment and agrees to undertake a programme of rehabilitation.

2006: January 30 – Hands in a transfer request, which is instantly rejected by City.

September 30 – Drops his shorts in the direction of Everton fans following City’s 1-1 draw at Goodison Park. Merseyside Police and the FA later confirm they are liaising in their investigation into the matter.

October 5 – Charged with improper conduct and/or bringing the game into disrepute by the Football Association.

October 9 – Admits charge.

October 10 – Fined £2,000 and warned as to his future conduct by the FA.

2007: February 21: Cleared of making obscene gestures towards Portsmouth fans due to insufficient evidence.

March 13: Arrested on suspicion of assault and criminal damage in an incident involving a taxi driver. Bailed until May pending further inquiries.

April 21: Barton says City fans are “not getting value for money” when watching the club at Eastlands and said the club had not signed quality players.

April 26: City opt not to punish Barton for his comments.

May 1: Barton suspended by City for the rest of the season after what is thought to be a training ground altercation with Ousmane Dabo.

Instead of pulling a Rae Carruth and hiding in his trunk, Barton is allegedly hiding out in the Algarve and probably searching for his next victim. Hopefully it’s a certain Manchester United player who loves manbags.

The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. His brother is in jail for 17 years for a racist murder on the level of Emmitt Till and James Byrd Jr.

Photo courtesy of Footballers Are Idiots.