Let’s see if Noel Gallagher is laughing now. Citeh’s attempt to out-Chelsea Chelsea just ran into a wall. The newly rich club has been attempting to feel the fiber of Kaka’s (AC Milan/Brazil) fabric to the tune of £100million. The whole thing just blew up after his negotiating team got pissed at Man City’s tactics.

The Kaka to Man City rumors have been flying around ever since the team was bought by Sheikh Mansour bin Zayed Al Nahyan of Dubai. Money is no limit and the new owners want to show that by making Kaka the centerpiece of their new team which they hope will challenge the Big 4 for domestic and international supremacy. Too bad Kaka wants no part of it.

The Daily Mail reports that Kaka (who might love Jesus more than Kurt Warner) turned down a reported offer of £500,000 per week to stay with AC Milan.

‘All the messages coming my way said to choose with my heart and at the end that’s what the choice was. It was absolutely not about economics. At the end what counted was my history, where my ties are and where my heart really lies.’

Milan owner (and Italian Prime Minister) Silvio Berlusconi expressed relief at Kaka’s decision. That surely has nothing to do with the fact that the fans were losing their minds and holding candlelight vigils in front of the striker’s house pleading for him to stay. Berlusconi may have taken flak from the fans but £100 million goes a long way towards buying several players under 40 or paying off judges to give you immunity from prosecution.

Citeh has egg on its face and to make things worse, fellow Brazilian Robinho has gone AWOL. He was already demanding that the team get Kaka or he would leave. He had another bust-up with manager Mark Hughes and now the team can’t locate him. Chelsea manager Phil Scolari has the hots for him (but not in a Wenger kind of way). He was furious when Chelsea missed out on him last August and he still would love to add him to the squad especially in light of the team’s recent form.

If Chelsea somehow manage to pry Robinho away from Citeh, I will be first in line to get the Robinho Number TBC jersey. It’s either that or an Abramovich jersey with a pound sign under the name. Straight cash homey.

Robinho shouldn’t get too upset. He may have signed for the wrong Manchester team by accident but they are making moves in spite of Kakagate. All-purpose asshole Craig Bellamy was just purchased for £14million from West Ham. Manager Gianfranco Zola is laughing all the way to the bank along with the rest of England. Who knows if the deal is truly dead but this debacle can’t make Citeh owners happy.

There’s been quite an stir in Manchester since the Abu Dhabi Oil Concern swooped in and bought Manchester City from everyone’s favorite human rights advocate and former non-corrupt Thai Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra. Unlike Roman Abramovich at Chelsea, City’s owners wasted little time in addressing their fans about their plans for the club.

Fuck a five-year plan. When you’re richer than astronauts, it’s all about the one-year plan. Now that’s change you can believe in.

In the words of the New York Blues godfather, “Chelsea’s arrogance has slapped them in the chops again and [Chelsea Chief Executive Peter] Kenyon deserves it”. While most of us Americans were enjoying Labor Day BBQs, Chelsea was taking some major bukkake courtesy of Real Madrid and Manchester City.

The Robinho transfer saga finally ended with the Brazilian headed to the City of Manchester Stadium for £32.5million instead of Stamford Bridge. He said he wanted to go to Chelsea and was fighting for Real to let it happen. He even called a press conference in Madrid to reiterate his desire to move to to London.

Chelsea was so sure of the deal that they started selling Robinho shirts (see above) in their Megastore even before the deal was complete. As one might imagine, this infuriated Real who turned around and sold him to Man City.

You ask where the hell did Man City get the money considering owner and ex-Thai prime minister Thaksin Shinawatra’s money is tied up and he’s on the run. He’s no longer the owner and Man City is now richer than Nazis. The club was bought by the Abu Dhabi United Group for Development and Investment. The group will be represented on the board by Dr. Sulaiman Al Fahim who is only 30 years old. That’s right. 30 fucking years old. He’s ranked as the 16th most powerful Arab and has his own Apprentice show. In case you think Al Fahim is playing, Man City also bid on Dmitar Berbatov, David Villa and Mario Gomez today. Things just got a lot more interesting in the Premiership.

What’s there to say about Newcastle midfielder Joey Barton? He’s currently serving a six-month sentence for an assault outside of a Liverpool McDonalds. I don’t think his victim was lovin’ it.

If you lost count, Barton punched the guy 20 times. This wasn’t his first run-in with the law. We detailed his rap sheet last year when news broke of his beatdown of former Manchester City teammate Ousmane Dabo. He changed his plea and admitted assaulting Dabo in court yesterday.

Barton and Dabo confronted each other after a row during a training match, the court was told.

Dabo, 31, was said to have felt intimidated that Barton had invaded his personal space as he shouted and swore at him.

The Frenchman pushed his shoulder with both hands and Barton retaliated by punching him in the head, causing the Frenchman to fall over and lose consciousness.

Mr Vardon said several witnesses said Barton continued to punch Dabo while he lay on top of the player, who was in a dazed state.

One player, Georgios Samaras, said he had never seen such a violent incident on a training pitch in all his career, the prosecutor added.

Barton will be sentenced today. Hopefully he’ll rot in a cell with his degenerate brother who’s serving a 17-year sentence for participating in an ax murder. Not that I feel strongly about it or anything.

Not quite as catchy as “Hey Wenger, leave those kids alone!” but it works. Manchester City fans have been singing in protest of manager Sven-Goran Eriksson’s seemingly imminent departure from the City of Manchester Stadium following the end of the season and a post-season Asian tour.

City owner and ex-human rights abuser Thaksin Shinawatra is reportedly pushing Eriksson out due to “lack of results”. The team is in a better position than they were last year and they look to be headed to the UEFA Cup through the Fair Play award. Expectations of a Champions League place in his first season were unrealistic if not crazy. There’s no question City is a team on the rise under Eriksson.

It’s not clear who Shinawatra expects to fill the position should the rumors be true. Portugal manager “Big Phil” Scolari has already distanced himself from reports linking him to the job. He will be lucky to find anyone better than Eriksson out on the market. The players are considering a revolt. There’s talk of the players boycotting the Asian tour in protest of Eriksson’s firing. He has the support of the fans and players in addition to results so this move makes no sense.

There’s another disturbing aspect to this story that doesn’t make any sense. Noel Gallagher of Oasis is making sense about Shinawatra.

Wait until Liam gets involved. Thaksin should be scared. Very scared.