Magic Johnson’s eulogy was one of the notable parts of Michael Jackson’s memorial service. It wasn’t his eloquence or lack thereof that made it memorable. Who knew Michael made Magic a better point guard? There was also the story about Michael stuffing himself with a bucket of KFC.
Bizarre yet sweet. Right? Not so much. It turns out Michael would have blown a famous bowl after Magic left. He had a bit of an issue with bulimia.
“Michael was bulimic. … It hit me when Magic [Johnson] was talking about Michael sitting on the floor with him eating Kentucky Fried Chicken. … Everyone thought that was a great thing at the memorial service, and it was. Only thing, what Magic — and everyone else — didn’t realize: Michael then would have gone and thrown up all of that.
“He would down unbelievable amounts of things like KFC extra-crispy chicken — like a whole family-size bucket by himself — or a couple of large Domino’s pizzas or two or three whole Marie Callender’s pies … and then go throw them up,” a clear sign of bulimic behavior.
Bulimia ain’t cool. Even when Magic try to do right, he do wrong just like the Magic Hour.
Dwayne Wade loves two things very much, his mother and God. Lucky for him, his mother loves God too, so it only seems natural then that he’d buy his mom her very own church called the Temple of Praise. Having her own church will allow Jolinda Wade to tell the tales of a life that started with crime and drugs and only began to actually make sense to her after she found God.
You see, there was a time when Jolinda Wade was a fugitive from the law, a drug dealer and user and eventually a prisoner. Her life finally got turned around while in jail and she started preaching. She later became a Baptist minister and hasn’t looked back, and now, she’s got her own church thanks to her boy, D-wade. Whattaguy.
“My mother is not the kind of person who will come to me and ask me for this kind of favor. She’s so thankful for even the little things I’ve done for her,” Dwyane Wade said. “But it’s the dream of every man, every boy, to be able to give their mother everything they want. So that was my dream and this is her dream. To me, that makes this perfect.”
So why am I publishing this story, you ask? No, its not because I found that awesome Photoshop, it is because its not everyday you hear an athlete buy a church, but I’m now wondering why more haven’t?
Why waste your cash on an inevitably doomed to fail car wash or restaurant or bar or auto dealership when you can throw some cash down on something that is pretty much fail-proof, a church! Sure they are technically non-profit, but that basically just means Uncle Sam isn’t taking any of your cizzash yo’! You plop down a ton of D-Wade Baptist Churches all over town, have yourself on the board, draw a modest salary once you retire from basketball, and BAM, instant cash for life plus amazing public goodwill because no one is gonna talk shit about you being Godly. If Magic can make movie theaters and Starbucks work for him, certainly D-Wade can become the Magic Johnson of the religious industrial complex? Its a brilliant scheme plan.
Former Phoenix Suns PG Kevin Johnson is running for mayor of Sacramento. Magic Johnson has a real estate empire including a bunch of movie theatres in the hood and pretends to have the AIDS. Charles Oakley feels left out so he’s decided to make his name in the world of cooking.
The former Knick enforcer has already taped three episodes, one featuring John Starks, where his former teammate cooked Oak’s fried chicken and macaroni salad, pasta and sausages, and smothered steak and rice. Ingredients for Oak’s beef short ribs in cinnamon wine sauce include 18 beers and two or three Cuban cigars, and the directions begin, “Drink 10 beers.”
The Oak should continue to have special guest stars show off their culinary skills. Sam Perkins should appear to make his Mary Jane Marsala. Oliver Miller can show off his lard-infused bacon rolls. Set your DVR for Stephen Jackson’s Strip Club Snapper and Andray Blatche’s Hooker Hanger Steak.
Oakley should have no problem making his mark. If Rachel Ray can do it, he can do it. We haven’t seen Cafe Oakley yet but it has to be better than this:
During the TNT telecast of the Toronto-Orlando game Sunday, Magic Johnson, Charles Barkley and Kenny Smith criticized Nowitzki for not responding when West tapped him on the face a couple of times during a confrontation late in the game. West was upset because Nowitzki caught West on the lip with an elbow, although it did appear to be accidental.
“You can’t let a man put his hand on your face in the playoffs,” Johnson said.
“I love Dirk Nowitzki,” Barkley said. “Terrific, great player. But they’re trying to say to you, ‘We think you’re soft.’ That’s what it means…. You’ve got to slap his hand down, and then you got to say, ‘Hey, let that guy drive to the basket’ and then you’ve got to knock the hell out of him.”
Smith said: “You have to punish them on the next couple of plays. The ball has to come to Dirk now, and he has to say, ‘You know what? I’m going to really punish you for the disrespect of putting your hands in my face.’”
Dirk knows nothing about becoming the ubermensch. Maybe he’s afraid of transcending. Nietzsche would be disappointed.
Michael Jordan’s divorce is final and the bill is in…MJ is set to pay his ex-wife Juanita Jordan 168 million dollars in what appears to be the most expensive break-up ever. According to the Times UK, the final settlement includes their 7 acre Chicago estate and custody of their 3 children. In ranking the top 5 celebrity divorces, the Times has Jordan as #1, next to Neil Diamond’s $150+ million gut-wrencher.
So…when do you think that you’ll be seeing ole number 23 checking into a Charlotte Bobcats game? He’s gotta make that $168 million back somehow and it’s not gonna be done playing poker, blackjack and golf for cash. Selling those 100 dollar shoes will only go so far. I think the best way to get start recouping his losses is to start up a reality TV show called “Be Like Mike” where he and Charles Oakley teach a group of young men how to be an ultra-competitive, out of control gambling, out of their prime athletes bent on banging as many white women as possible while still defying the odds and somehow not contracting the HIV virus like their boy Magic.
It’l work I tell you. Don’t be like Mike…sign a prenup that is actually in your favor. Dumbass.
