Derek Jeter doesn’t know a bargain when he sees one. He’s currently building what will be the largest home in the Tampa area. This monstrosity could easily hold 10 strip mall strip clubs. He could easily put Ybor City out of business.

How much is Jeter’s house? It’s impossible to say because “it’s one of a kind and unlikely to attract many buyers besides the ultrawealthy”. The property, purchased under the name of Kered Connors LLC (Derek spelled backwards), brought in $7.7 million several years ago. It comes in a 30,875 square feet which is approximately the size of a Best Buy store.

Instead of blowing his load outbuilding the owner of an RV empire, Jeter should have considered Steve McNair’s house which is currently on the market.

The house is reportedly listed for $3.8M but if you act now, you can get $800,000 off and (wait for it) a football autographed by Steve McNair. What a bargain. Jeter is crazy for not considering this deal. It’s a deal. It’s a steal. It’s the sale of the fucking century. In fact, fuck it. I think I’ll buy it myself.

What a fine poster. How could Mr. Yankee say no to such an exclusive house? Who wouldn’t love to live in the house of someone who sacrificed for all of us like Jesus? Shout out to my boy Ray Ray.

Italian football has everything from Serie C players servicing Serie A players to massive match-fixing scandals. It’s the wild west of the big time. This latest story doesn’t rank up there with the most shocking. It’s more a WTF than anything else. Let’s meet Andrea Vasa.

Vasa, a defender for local Milan side Brera, has a new home. No big deal except he’s living in the front window of fashion designer Dirk Bikkemberg’s new “mega-boutique”. A free luxury pad for a player who toils six leagues below Serie A sounds too good to be true. Tom would say, “It’s a deal, it’s a steal, it’s the sale of the fucking century! Actually, Andrea, fuck it. I’ll keep it myself.”

There’s a big catch. Customers are allowed to call on Vasa at any time the store is open. They can go through his storage spaces which are filled with Bikkemberg products. He can’t decide who comes and goes no matter what he’s doing. Bikkemberg isn’t without empathy. He covered the shower with copies of Gazzetta dello Sport which is the sports newspaper of record in Italy.

Bikkemberg says Vasa will allow customers to “identify with a sporting personality”. That’s like saying customers in a store would be attracted by the opportunity to hang out with a semi-pro football player. I suppose now’s a good time to announce that I’m moving into the Conway across from Penn Station on 34th next week. Come identify with a semi-prominent sports blogger from open to close and buy some clothing that will probably bleed or come apart before you get home.

Former Wimbledon star and actor Vinnie Jones gets his ass handed to him in a bar fight and now this from Top of the Pops.

A couple questions. How can any debtor take Big Chris/Bullet Tooth (language NSFW) seriously after watching this? How far have you fallen as a backup singer when you’re backing up Vinnie Jones? It could be worse. He could be Ricky Hatton. Please don’t punch me, Vinnie. I heart the house slippers.

“Hello boy, feeling a bit poorly? I know your team is responsible for most of the cash so I’m gonna give you one week to find it. Otherwise I will take a finger of each of you and your teammates’ hands for everyday that passes without payment. And then when you run out of digits, your dad’s bar and who knows what then. All right, my son?”

It sucks to be West Ham midfielder Matthew Etherington. He’s lucky he still has all his fingers. He has West Ham to thank for that. They were forced to give Etherington enough money to choke a dozen donkeys after he came to them for help with a gambling debt.

Etherington, a recovering gambling addict, fell prey to the neon claws of Gamblor and suffered a minor relapse. This one only cost him £800,000. However the debt wasn’t his only problem. He was forced to approach the club for a loan after receiving death threats. West Ham officials were worried enough to advance him £300,000 to pay down the debt. They might regret that after losing their sponsor XL late last week. The threats he received from his bookie were “nasty and personal” as opposed to pleasant and impersonal. The rudeness was more than he could bear.

So we’ll try to make this soccer roundup a regular Wednesday feature. Don’t think that means we’re a thing … cause we’re not. Let’s just see where this goes. Don’t look at me like that. Come on girl. You know we can’t get much better.

Let Me Be The First To Welcome Our New Masters

The pace of foreigner buying Premiership teams has picked up considerably in the past months. Ex-Thai prime minister Thaksin Shinawatra is still sniffing around Manchester City like a dog going for the ball check. Arsenal is holding off American Stan Kroenke with the Heisman like an ugly girl at the club. Hong Kong businessman Carson Yeung has had less drama and has managed to purchase 29.9% of Birmingham City’s shares from several directors such as sex shop and porn kings David Sullivan and the Gold Brothers.

A complete takeover isn’t a guarantee but it could still happen. One has to think 29.9% of all shares entitles Yeung to whatever sex toys and porno mags he finds at St. Andrews. This sets up the awesome possibility of Yeung beating Mikael Forssell senseless with a 12-inch black dildo a la Hatchet Harry when he comes off injured for the 436th time.

There’s A Joke In Here Somewhere

Poland and Ukraine are hosting the 2012 Euro tournament. Yeah, let that sink in for a minute. One of the problems is that the current stadiums and roads are in poor condition. To top that off, many construction workers have emigrated to western Europe for better paying jobs. Problem? No problem, my best sincerity friend!

Ain’t nobody talkin’ when I’m talkin’ so shut the fuck up. Poland is considering using prisoners to build the necessary stadiums and roads.

Pawel Nasilowski, deputy head of Poland’s prison service, said it could form part of a European Union-funded programme to rehabilitate prisoners.

Sometimes the jokes write themselves. That’s all I’m saying. I’m off to Poland in August and the last thing I need is bad karma (mmmm chicken korma) or a posse comitatus released on my ass. Oh we’re big in Poland. We’re also huge in Niger, Bhutan and Pitcairn Island (mmmm incest).

There’s Only One God Called Xenu

Don’t be surprised if you start finding Dianetics on your seat at your next LA Galaxy game. The New Zealand Herald reports that David Beckham’s prime homey Tom Cruise is considering an $80M takeover of the Galaxy.

The article is “surprisingly” short on details but it does raise the possibility of halftime rants about the dangers of anti-psychotic drugs given by Cruise and John Travolta. Perhaps our mini-demigod can help Landycakes get over his fear of European soccer.