The soccer roundup returns after a lengthy summer vacation which was well deserved.

What Are You Lookin’ At?

Perennial delinquent and Liverpool (sorry that was redundant) winger Jermaine Pennant loves to get his swerve on. So much so that he spent a month in jail due to drunk driving charges in 2005. When arrested, he gave his name to the police as Ashley Cole.

Pennant was also cautioned after a row with his girlfriend as well as arrested in July of this year for a public order offense. Liverpool manager Rafa “Vagina Face” Benitez warned him that he was on his last chance and he would tolerate no more trouble. He managed to stay on the right side of the law until this past weekend.

Pennant got shitfaced and involved in a fight on Saturday night. Here’s an eyewitness account.

“Jermaine was absolutely leathered. He could barely stand and was slurring his words. His eyes were a mess … I spoke to him briefly in the club and he was swearing and slagging people off, but he was laughing. I left the club at about 2.30am and walked past the takeaway, and as I went by it kicked off. There was lots of pushing and shoving and swearing, and Jermaine was in the middle of it. He was trying to calm things down and was saying, ‘Calm down, calm down’ — but he was too drunk and fell over. His mate, who I think was also a footballer, was arrested and a WPC put him in a headlock and wrestled him to the ground. His attitude stank and he wasn’t keen on being arrested.”

Pennant has been playing well but it’ll be interesting to see whether Rafa comes down on him. He’s probably a hero to all Liverpudlians.

Hulk Says Go To Jail, Do Not Pass Go

This Tevez/Mascherano saga will never end. Their troubles in England seem to have worked themselves out but now they’re in bigger trouble in Brazil. Both players are under investigation for tax evasion and if found guilty, they could each get up to five years in prison.

The alleged crimes took place while both were playing for Corinthians. Of course, MSI head Kia Joorabchian is involved. One Brazilian paper claims that two former Corinthians players arranged to receive part of their salaries outside of Brazil in order to avoid taxes.

This should be a clear lesson to all clubs that they should never do business with Joorabchian or MSI. West Ham should breathe a huge sigh of relief that he never bought the club. They’d probably be in League Two if his bid had been successful.

Fergie Attacked By Midget?

Sorry, wrong Fergie. We were all hoping it was that over-50 skank from the Black Eyed Peas but we’re talking about Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson. A man was arrested after attacking Ferguson in a London train station on Monday.

The attacker ran up on SAF and began kicking him in the shins. He reported the attack to the police who subsequently made an arrest.

Police had no response to the allegation that the attacker was Arsene Wenger wearing a wig and a Robbie Savage mask.

Controversy exploded like a president on a prime minister’s lap this past Sunday during the Liverpool-Chelsea match when Chelsea was awarded a penalty by referee Rob Styles for what later turned out to be a dive by Florent Malouda. Chelsea was able to equalize from the spot and go on to draw the match. Tubby Benitez was quite furious and Styles later apologized and was suspended.

The plot thickened when it was revealed the Styles is on the board of a construction company called Oakwood Groundworks Ltd. What’s so odd about that? It turns out Oakwood did work on Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich’s driveway last summer.


The referees association vouched for him and said that it was aware of the job and it saw no conflict of interest. However it would have been simple enough to schedule him for another game to take away the impression of a conflict.

Styles ran into controversy last year after a public spat with Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho after denying Chelsea penalties on several occasions. The row was resolved after Styles called Mourinho to apologize.

Nobody fucks with the Roman.

One weekend down. Spurs are getting relegated and Sunderland’s gonna win the league. Who says there’s no balance in the Premier League? Two roundups in one week. It’s like a gang sweep in LA except no innocents are beaten unless you count Spuds fans.

Yay! Wait…I Like Stuff but These are Things

It’s not enough that Posh Spice annoys us with her excessive preening and desperation for media attention. Now she’s started a blog and “writes” like a valley girl from an 80s movie.

Hope you are all well? Well we have finally unpacked our boxes and I am loving our new house – it is totally major! … The boys are really looking forward to starting their new school so we’ve got to make sure they are all kitted out with new schoolbags and pencil cases – you remember what it’s like going back to school, you’ve got to have a new EVERYTHING!
David and myself attended a launch last week in Bel Air (very swish) for the launch of our latest fragrance Intimately Beckham … I’m also just starting work on my new dVb denim collection – I’m really excited about starting the next project – it’s going to be totally major so keep your eyes open for that.

I’m so totally dumber for having read that.

I didn’t have to share that find but what good is pain if you can’t share it?

McClaren: Top Formula One Team or Assclown Manager

I’ll take B for 1000.

Steve McClaren shouldn’t feel bad. It’s not his fault that the FA couldn’t choose a decent England manager if the lives of the English people depended on it. Someone as incompetent as him never should have been put in the position of managing a national team let alone a chip shop. Nothing says competence and skill like having a fan run on the field, tear his season ticket up and throw it at you.

McClaren banished David Beckham from the national squad only to have him inspire Real Madrid to a La Liga title and look like a world beater. He was forced to go crawling back and beg Beckham to rejoin the team. One would think he would have learned from that experience but…

Fast forward to Jamie Carragher. He’s been left in the cold in favor of Ledley King and Wes Brown. One would be hard pressed to find a number of fans who would rate him below those two donkeys.

Carragher, rightfully sick over how he has been treated, declared he was finished with international football. A couple injuries later, McClown has been forced to drop to his knees and beg him to come back. He would be right to tell McClown where to stick it.

It’s not all doom and gloom so buck up, England! Sol Campbell’s getting a recall.

Toilet Seat Thieves Don’t Cut It Anymore

Chelsea have reportedly landed Brazilian right back Daniel Alves from Sevilla for over £21.5m. He was held out of Sevilla’s Champions League qualifier with AEK Athens yesterday so that he would not be cup-tied in case he made the move to Chelsea or another Champions League team like Real Madrid.

If the reports are true, Chelsea will have a world class right back and can banish toilet seat thief Glen Johnson to the salt mines for his shockingly awful play.

“You’re just a fat Eddie Murphy” for Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink? Brilliant.

It’s Worse Than Opening The Ark of the Covenant

The US looks just swell in the under-20 World Cup. Freddy Adu looks like a world beater (sort of) and we have our own off-brand Zizou called Zizzo. I’ve probably jinxed them for today’s game.

You’re getting a reduced roundup this week because I have no time and I’m not going to start with all the rumors … unless we’re talking about Super Frank getting nice in Vegas. If there’s anything to be learned from the world of soccer this week, it’s that quitting because you’re not getting picked for the team is not quitting.

All Hail Lord Beckham

Enough with the sexually suggestive dancing! Bring me my ranch dressing hose!

The Galaxy are bending over (not sure which way) to make David Beckham’s debut one for the ages. In addition to charging up to $500 for field-side tickets to Beckham’s debut against Chelsea on the 21st, they’ve made renovations to the Home Depot Center such as putting an invitation-only club called The Underground under the stadium. It’s surprising that they didn’t go with Galaxy After Dark.

It gets much better.

…Travel plans have a smartly attired Galaxy squad clad in matching suits, with players rotating to fly first class next to David Beckham for the sake of team unity.

Instead of a ranch dressing hose, Beckham will demand service from Landon Donovan every hour on the 8′s like The Weather Channel. Nothing brings a team together like having the star player fly first class while the rest of the team rides bitch.

Apparently Alexi Lalas thinks he can fool Goldenballs into thinking the Galaxy are on the same level as Real Madrid. Wait until they travel to Kansas City to play the Wizards on a Chinatown bus.

This setup is a sham just like the time when the Budweiser truck pulled up to the building during the first week of law school and lulled us into thinking everything was going to be great in spite of what everyone told us. The truck never showed up again and our asses started hurting for some unknown reason.

The Deuce expects the douche factor to be through the roof on the 21st. In spite of that, I’m hitting the road next week and heading out to LA where I’ll have a report from the match as well as from the rest of Chelsea’s tour.

The Cop-Out

Here’s another old video of an athlete showing some skills on the mic. Your favorite praying mantis and mine, Liverpool’s Peter Crouch.

Some village found their idiot over the weekend. Danish soccer fan “R” apologized for attacking a referee during closing minutes of the Euro 2008 qualifier between Denmark and Sweden on Saturday. He was angry at the ref for giving Denmark’s Christian Poulson a red card for punching a Swedish player in the stomach. Check the hilarity.

Denmark came back from 3-0 to tie the game. After the attack, the ref called the game and awarded Sweden a 3-0 win.

Sweden should make R an honorary citizen as he’s pretty much killed Demark’s chance of making the Euro finals next year. Steve Bartman feels your pain. Congratulations, you’re now the most hated person in Denmark.

R might also consider getting a shirt that fits or rock a Denmark singlet.

Claudio’s All Growns Up Now


Juventus named tinkerman extraordinaire Claudio Ranieri as their new manager today. He takes over from Didier Dechamps who stepped down before he was fired in late May.

It had been rumored that Ranieri would take the Manchester City job once a rumored takeover went through but he apparently the chance to take over a corrupt team that can’t fill its ground was too good to turn down.

“I wasn’t expecting it, but you can’t say no to Juve,” the Italian said. “Juventus is a huge opportunity for me.”

He went on to say,

“There’s an ambitious plan,” Ranieri said. “The fans should stay calm, we’ll make them feel proud of what Juve accomplishes in Italy … and then in Europe.”

What he was really saying was that Juve intends to increase their payments to ensure their stay in Serie A and their Champions League spot.

Moving to a big club means that Claudio won’t have time to pursue his budding movie career.

Geoffrey From The Fresh Prince Wants To Return To Bel Air


Television spin-offs are great. Who can forget great ones like Three’s A Crowd, She-Ra, Flo and Enos?

Chelsea midfielder Claude Makelele is thinking about following David Beckham to the US if he can’t sort out his contract situation. He has one year left on his contract and the emergence of younger players like Lassana Diarra and John Mikel Obi will limit his first team opportunities.

I can see it now. Geoffrey on his own in the big city without Master William and the rest of the Banks. Playing soccer with his pathetic, rec league MLS team, solving mysteries with fast talking, hard living sidekick Clint Mathis. I’m sure it’ll last as long as the Cosby Mysteries or The Love Boat: The Next Wave.

Tell Us Something We Don’t Know

Liverpool steals from children. No shit.

“William Gaillard, Uefa’s director of communications, branded Liverpool supporters as the worst behaved in Europe after revealing that a detailed dossier compiled by undercover police officers blamed the English for the chaos at the Champions League final in Athens.”

“The incidents involving Liverpool fans have been well known to us before the trouble at the Champions League final. This was just the latest example. What other set of fans steal tickets from their fellow supporters or out of the hands of children? We know who caused most of the trouble in Athens,” he said. “There have been 25 incidents involving Liverpool fans away from home since 2003 and those are in the report – most teams’ supporters do not cause any trouble at all.”

Liverpool shirts were quick to paint Galliard and UEFA as biased. A team spokesman blamed UEFA for the distubances.

“The shortcomings in the management of the situation in Athens were apparent to anyone who was there and this latest statement from Uefa should not deflect attention from that reality.”

After all UEFA were the ones that transported all the fans without tickets, ripped tickets from supporter hands and tried to gain entry with fake tickets and photocopied press passes. Fans without tickets were warned not to travel to Athens but thousands showed up anyway and prevented fans with real tickets from gaining entry. Perhaps UEFA should have opened the doors and let all the fans in.