LA Galaxy Archives
It’s been a while since we’ve been to cougar country and since we’ve had a soccer roundup so without further ado, let’s go hunting for MILFs and news from the world of futbol.
The MLS Is Hot Hot Hot, Hot For Beckham
It seems as though there’s nothing the MLS won’t do for Beckham. They’ll let him play when he wants. Travel as he wants. It wouldn’t be a surprise to know that Don Garber and Alexi Lalas are required to suck him off on command.
Reports are surfacing that Beckham has the right to buy the Galaxy after his contract ends in three years. 60 Minutes will report on Sunday that the option was given to him as well as his manager, Simon Fuller. Fuller, in addition to being Goldenballs’ manager, is also the creator of Pop Idol which is the father of American Idol.
Don’t be surprised if Landon Donovan’s wife is part of the option as well. It’s not like he would do anything about it expect bitch, moan and cry while running back to his house with his hands at his sides. “It’s just like Leverkusen!”
Everton Adopts The Kitchen Sink Approach
Hillary Clinton isn’t the only one out there to resort to the kitchen sink approach while on the ropes. Everton is desperately trying to lock down 4th place in the Premiership. Plan X: 7-year old Harry Yates.
Finishing in the top four means Champions League football next season and the additional millions that will come from competing in the competition. Yates is a keeper which has to make current Everton and US keeper Tim Howard nervous.
Drunk Me Up Woman, I’m Going In
It would be nice if today’s athletes had the same drive and dedication to their game as Norwich’s Matty Pattison. Pattison was worried about being late for practice so he hopped into his car and rushed to practice last Sunday morning. The problem was that he was only wearing his underwear, a t-shirt and shoes. It gets better as there was no practice that day. Oh almost forgot, he was also shitfaced from the previous night and was arrested for drunk driving.
Pattison, also known as “Party”, was arrested after being seen driving all over the road by cops. When he was arrested, he was “unsteady on his feet and slurring his words”.
A source at Norwich told the Mirror: “Matty is always out clubbing which is why he has got the nickname ‘Party’. It’s a shame he has a bit of a problem because he is a good player.”
Manager Glenn Roeder should lay off Party. He should be lucky that Party still wanted to show up in his state. Most of today’s athletes would have blown off practice or showed up late. That’s commitment. If Roeder recognized that, he’d probably have a job in the Premiership.
Newsflash: Avram Grant Doesn’t Know What He’s Doing
I would call Chelsea manager Avram Grant a donkey but that would be an insult to donkeys. At least they’re useful. Word seems to be getting out that he’s in over his head. Chelsea is still within sniffing distance of the league and Champions League in spite of his cluelessness.
Add Didier Drogba to the list of people who wonder what the hell Grant is doing. Like the rest of us who always ask “What the fuck are you doing?”, Drogba was asking the same question during Wednesday’s draw with Tottenham.
Sportsmail can reveal that the Chelsea striker approached a leading club official in the tunnel area at White Hart Lane and expressed his frustrations with the decisions that rocked the club’s title aspirations.
Drogba spoke to assistant manager Steve Clarke as the players left the field on Wednesday night and demanded to know ‘what was going on?’
That continued when he walked down the tunnel and he sought a leading club official for an explanation on how the club had ‘thrown away’ maximum points.
Hopefully Drogba will let us know if he finds out the answer to his questions especially the one about Joe Cole’s substitution. Grant’s tactics and substitutions continue to wreck Chelsea’s season. He’s cost the club two cups and now maybe a chance at the title.
Roman Abramovich needs to pull his head out of his ass and make some wholesale changes starting at the top if he wants to realize his goals for Chelsea. He needs to drop the yes men and clear out the dead weight in the changing room starting with Grant and players such as Claudio Pizarro, Andriy Shevchenko and Steve Sidwell among others.
No One Expects The Scottish Taliban
Celebrations for Scottish Third Division winners East Fife were ruined when police threatened to arrest a director after champagne bottles were popped on the pitch. The team was warned that it was illegal to have alcohol in glass containers in the stadium. They were told to remove them and the coppers stepped up like the Saudi moral police when the bottles reappeared.
“After the match, another of the guys brought the bottles out and began to celebrate Formula One style. One of the local bobbies took exception to it and said put it away or they would be arrested.
Well good thing they’re on the case. First the champagne comes out and next thing the town burns to the ground. Just wait until the cops make haggis start wearing burkhas because some people think it tastes good.
Greetings from the left coast. I finally made it out to LA after steam pipe explosions, cab drivers who wanted to perform the Hajj in their taxi, delayed flights, staying on hold for 25 minutes and screaming babies. Delta can shove a 737 up its ass sideways. Anyway, I’ll be bringing updates and pictures from today’s Chelsea closed practice as well as the Chelsea vs. Beckham-less Galaxy match on Saturday. In the meantime here’s your fix, Pookie.
Poor Goldenballs. All this pressure to save American soccer (as though there’s something to save) and his ankle won’t cooperate. There’s a good chance David Beckham will be held out of tonight’s MLS All-Star game vs. Celtic and the Galaxy’s match against Chelsea on Saturday due to an ankle injury. Of course, this would be a disaster for the MLS and ESPN who have hyped his debut to unsustainable levels. What would they say if it turned out his ankle wasn’t the real problem?
The Sun reports that Chelsea players have been texting Beckham to tell him they’re going to beat him like a rented mule on Saturday.
“It’s just a bit of banter between the lads. David can take a joke and he knows they don’t really mean it. At least he doesn’t think they do.”
They’re probably joking but he’s probably decided to take himself out of the game anyway. If he can get punked by a mouth breather like Rio Ferdinand, he’ll fall for anything.
It also doesn’t help that the Galaxy were bent over by a bunch of ankle-kicking Mexicants last night.
The coach Frank Yallop said it was “flat and uninspired,” and added: “We were slightly nervous with David here. We were scared to get on the ball, scared to
make mistakes. We let ourselves down.”
This is going to go as well as the Magic Hour and Chevy Chase Show combined.
The US looks just swell in the under-20 World Cup. Freddy Adu looks like a world beater (sort of) and we have our own off-brand Zizou called Zizzo. I’ve probably jinxed them for today’s game.
You’re getting a reduced roundup this week because I have no time and I’m not going to start with all the rumors … unless we’re talking about Super Frank getting nice in Vegas. If there’s anything to be learned from the world of soccer this week, it’s that quitting because you’re not getting picked for the team is not quitting.
All Hail Lord Beckham
The Galaxy are bending over (not sure which way) to make David Beckham’s debut one for the ages. In addition to charging up to $500 for field-side tickets to Beckham’s debut against Chelsea on the 21st, they’ve made renovations to the Home Depot Center such as putting an invitation-only club called The Underground under the stadium. It’s surprising that they didn’t go with Galaxy After Dark.
It gets much better.
…Travel plans have a smartly attired Galaxy squad clad in matching suits, with players rotating to fly first class next to David Beckham for the sake of team unity.
Instead of a ranch dressing hose, Beckham will demand service from Landon Donovan every hour on the 8′s like The Weather Channel. Nothing brings a team together like having the star player fly first class while the rest of the team rides bitch.
Apparently Alexi Lalas thinks he can fool Goldenballs into thinking the Galaxy are on the same level as Real Madrid. Wait until they travel to Kansas City to play the Wizards on a Chinatown bus.
This setup is a sham just like the time when the Budweiser truck pulled up to the building during the first week of law school and lulled us into thinking everything was going to be great in spite of what everyone told us. The truck never showed up again and our asses started hurting for some unknown reason.
The Deuce expects the douche factor to be through the roof on the 21st. In spite of that, I’m hitting the road next week and heading out to LA where I’ll have a report from the match as well as from the rest of Chelsea’s tour.
Here’s another old video of an athlete showing some skills on the mic. Your favorite praying mantis and mine, Liverpool’s Peter Crouch.