It’s been a while since we’ve had a soccer roundup. Trapper John apologized for the three of us so you can go fuck yourself if you’re looking for anything apology related. Snake venom gathering is not an easy job. It requires complete concentration and an easily disposable Dalit for testing purposes. Hmm perhaps I’ve said too much….How about that local sporting team?
Pikeys Don’t Just Like Caravans
They also like cars. BMWs. David “Goldenballs” Beckham’s BMW to be exact. His X5 was stolen over a year ago in Madrid by a gang that targeted luxury cars as if there’s a gang targeting Gremlins, Trablants and Yugos. They’re from Basque country and really shouldn’t be trusted like ETA.
The car was tracked to Macedonia and it’s being driven by Interior Minister Gordana Jankulovska. Gordana isn’t about to give the car up without a fight. She says if it’s his, she’ll give it back but Police Spokesman Ivo Kotevski said,
“Before it reached Macedonia, the vehicle had changed hands 20 times in Spain, so we have no proof that it belonged to Beckham.”
The only way to settle this is a bareknuckle boxing match. 50 quid on anyone named Gordana. The Deuce looks forward to Goldenballs being sold to some Albanians as a sex slave after he loses the match. They’ll love him in Greek Macedonia or Turkey.
Anything Goes When It Comes To Hoes
Good old Wazza. He’ll take ‘em 8 to 80, dumb, crippled and crazy. Can’t leave them cougars alone and now they’re coming back on their Rascals to bite him in the ass.
A book detailing Rooney’s rough sex with prostitutes is about to come out and he’s a bit freaked out as you might imagine. The Sun says the book will be titled Roo Unzipped.
It’s a well known fact that Rooney likes them old and dusty like the Auld Slapper but he’s also not afraid to rob the uterus by sleeping with hookers in their mid to late 30s.
“I pretended I was getting turned on. Making the noises and going through the motions.
But really I was thinking of Pot Noodles and which one to have after he’d finished chicken and mushroom or the beef one?
Wayne didn’t turn me on at all. He was ugly.”
Tip top, Roo!!
Just Win, Baby
Al Davis could learn something from Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho. You’d never catch the Special One drafting Robert Gallery or Napoleon Kaufman. You’ll also never see him let something like a bullshit suspension or ban keep him from bringing the truth to the starting 11.
The Times has shed light on how Jose beat the suspension placed on him two years ago during the Champions League quarterfinals when Chelsea played Bayern Munich. He was banned from the bench for making allegations against referee Anders Frisk in the previous round which turned out to be true. The racism-accepting, corrupt hypocrites otherwise known as UEFA buried a report showing the allegations to be true.
Here’s an excerpt from the article. It’s long but well worth the read.
For the first leg at Stamford Bridge, Mourinho arrived early enough to get in position. He watched the game on a television in the dressing-room and, during the first half, communicated to his staff in the dugout by radio or telephone. “You can get mobile reception in the dressing-room,” the source said. “It depends what network and in what room.”
At the time, television commentators spotted and commented on the fact that Rui Faria, the fitness coach, had a strange kink in his bobble hat and repeatedly scratched his ear. It was the sort of kink that could be caused by a wire and earpiece. “It was so obvious, to keep playing with your ear like that,” the source said.
Suspicious of skulduggery going on under their noses, Uefa officials went down to the tunnel, but by then the players were back in the dressing-room and listening to a team talk from their manager.
One source claims that knowing that the listening device had been rumbled, Chelsea simply used more rudimentary communication in the second half. It was noted at the time that Silvinho Louro, the goalkeeping coach, made several trips back to the dressing-room. “He’s a nervous spectator,” a source close to Mourinho joked at the time, but Louro kept coming back with bits of paper that were passed to the other coaches. Whatever the pieces of paper contained, they tended to coincide with substitutions.
Mourinho was not waiting for the players at the end of the match, which Chelsea won 4-2, because he had already allegedly clambered into one of the kit skips. He was wheeled out of the dressing-room by members of the backroom staff and, it is believed, back into the leisure club in the Chelsea Village hotel at the ground, where it had been reported that he spent the entire evening.
In a passable impression of Inspector Clouseau, Uefa’s hapless officials left none the wiser. Insiders claim Mourinho was so thrilled that he joked openly about his trip in the skip in front of his players at training the next morning.
In the second leg, at the Olympic Stadium in Munich, there was a greater risk of detection if he tried to enter the dressing-room. The sources allege that Mourinho went into the stands to watch but, apparently flustered by the close attention of a camera crew, he quickly departed for the team hotel.
The privacy might have been useful. The Timeshas been told that a speaker had been set up in the dressing-room so that he could talk to the players over the telephone at half-time. “There was a massive speaker,” a source said. “José was at the hotel.” Uefa’s representatives had surpassed themselves yet again by approaching Faria to check if there was anything under his hat. There wasn’t.
In a recent biography to which Mourinho contributed, he boasted about how he overcame a touchline ban during his days at FC Porto by sending messages to his assistants from his seat in the stands via “a small, sophisticated telecommunications device”. He even listed the precise instructions, which included: “Tell Deco [the Porto midfield player] I’m p****d off, I want more!” and, “Pressure on linesman, everybody.”
Art Shell, Norv Turner or Bill Callahan don’t know shit about Commitment to Excellence.
When he’s not busy beating evil Germans or the Scousers, he’s steppin’ to wrestlers. Watch around 5:35.