Far be it for us to criticize someone for enjoying the sauce. Some of our “best” work has been done after enjoying numerous macrobrews. However we would think twice if we were Liverpool’s Jermaine Pennant. Actually we wouldn’t think at all because he’s a dumbass.

Pennant is determined not to play top flight soccer anymore. That can be the only explanation for getting caught boozing in front of Faces nightclub in the name of Lindsay Lohan. He’s already spent time in jail and worn an ankle bracelet due to incidents caused by his “amateur night” drinking. He was pictured taking hits from a bottle of Jack outside the Essex club last Sunday. The Daily Mail reports that he was there due to the appearance of the Firecrotch. He’s already on thin ice with Rafa Benitez and now it may be impossible to move him to a different club. Who the hell wants this disaster on their hands?

This incident is minor compared to when Pennant was arrested for drunk driving and gave the police the name of his former teammate, Ashley Cole. He was also arrested for smacking his bitch up. He does wrong even when he tries to do right like the time he fell over piss drunk in a pizza place trying to break up a fight.

Pennant is almost out of chances. He’s a perennial benchwarmer and reports say that Benitez has run out of patience with his lifestyle and lack of ambition. He’s blocked moves to other Premiership teams and shows no effort in trying to earn his keep at Anfield. Interested clubs will probably back off after seeing he’s learned nothing from past incidents even though he’s been given chance after chance. Hopefully he’ll like playing for lower league teams like Norwich or Coventry. It’s hard to see another Premiership team taking a shot on him. Worse comes to worse, he can go work for his dad Gary at his crack and heroin den.

Pennant probably wouldn’t have been at the club if Lohan wasn’t there. Even when she’s playing lesbian, Lohan is still figuratively fucking men. Brilliant!

There’s just something about these English football families. From the Bartons to the Pennants, there’s a bond which you just don’t get over here except with the Vicks.

Let’s meet the Pennants. The best known Pennant is Jermaine who’s known for his lackadaisical play for Liverpool and his criminal record which includes being arrested for drunk driving and giving the police the name of his Arsenal teammate Ashley Cole. He was also arrested for smacking his bitch up.

Now where would he learn these nasty habits. Enter dad Gary Pennant. News of the World discovered that Gary is the proud owner of a crack and heroin den in Nottingham, England.

“Crack” investigators were able to buy crack and heroin from Gary after working their way into his lair of temptation.

On Thursday our undercover investigators got inside his dingy two-storey lair. Dreadlocked pusher Pennant, 43, sold them three rocks of crack and a wrap of heroin, then bragged:

“It’s top sh**. See for yourself. Just let me know if you need any more, you’re safe!”

But safety is his last concern. Our team watched in shock as Pennant’s dad INJECTED heroin into a call-girl customer then used the SAME needle on himself.

Meanwhile three men were upstairs having sex, all at the same time, with another hooker out of her head on drugs.

A Jamaican henchman called Tee told us: “Drugs, gang-bangs, anything you like goes here. It’s cool. If you want to take one of the bitches you can.

Gary Pennant’s crib sounds like the Carter Apartments. You can just see him jumping up and yelling at Tee, “Sit yo five dollar ass down before I make change!”

The paper reports Jermaine is still close with his dad. If that’s the case, it’s amazing he’s managed to get in as little trouble as he has so far. He must be a huge disappointment to his pops.