Oh my God, he’s fat again. There’s no other way to say it. JaMarcus Russell is larger than life. Literally and figuratively. Yes, he’s bigger than all 32 remaining Backstreet Boys fans put together. He threw away the Raiders season like it was a salad. He skipped the last team meeting to head to Vegas and now he can’t go to a basketball game without being called out for sucking by the announcers.
Kevin Harlan and Doug Collins were calling a NBA game when TNT’s cameras caught Jamarcus Russell in some floor seats. They could have quickly acknowledged his presence and moved on to other topics. Let’s just say he caught their eye for more than a couple seconds.
Harlan and Collins should show some understanding. JaMarcus is not a man with much time on his hands. There are countless hours that need to be spent in the buffet line as well as the film room and jewelry store. His theme song has been All You Can Eat but his ice is so blingy. He’s earned Bling Bling as his alternate anthem.
Medallion iced up, Rolex bezelled up And his pinky ring is platinum plus Earrings be trillion cut And his grill be slugged up
Don’t you know JaMarcus is tryin’ to put platinum eyebrows on these hoes? Back up off him!
There’s a little sumthin’ sumthin’ for everyone thanks to Falcons tight end Tony Gonzalez, his wife October and PETA. The couple posed nude (SFW) for the organization’s “Rather Go Naked Than Wear Fur” campaign. They join such luminaries as Dennis Rodman, Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson. We can’t wait until for the Carrot Top and Charo photos.
“We should be protecting animals, not sacrificing their lives for the sake of fashion or luxury,” says Tony Gonzalez. “October and I have changed many of our habits in light of the inhumane treatment of animals that occurs not only in the fur industry but also on factory farms.”
Raiders quarterback Jamarcus Russell heard about the PETA campaign and was inspired to approach Denny’s about doing something similar entitled “I Show You My Moobs For Moons Over My Hammy”. He wanted to pose naked over a huge plate of Moons Over My Hammy while wearing his Raiders helmet. The restaurant chain somehow agreed but the project fell apart during the photo shoot. Russell kept trying to eat the plate of food even though it was fake. Only if he had that kind of drive during football games. He’d never lose the football if it were a sandwich.
Now try to go back to your breakfast after picturing Carrot Top, Charo and Russell.
Jamarcus Russell with Fats Domino. See that’s the idea.
My disappointment knows no bounds. JaMarcus Russell showed up to Raiders minicamp only weighing in at 269 pounds. I expected better of him. Rumors had him weighing over three bills. That’s the kind of dedication that shows me something. I wanted him so fat that he couldn’t get his fingers between the laces. I wanted to see him run out of breath walking from the huddle to the line. It would have made the Raiders ineptitude so much more fun to watch. Football is dead to me unless JaMarcus bacons up that sausage or changes his name to Jermajesty.