What do they dump on the winning coach in the Israeli Football League? Our guess is hummus or Manichewitz. Coach is gonna have one wicked hangover now that the Kraft family and the Israeli Football League have combined like Voltron to form the Kraft Family IFL. Those Tel Aviv vs. Ramallah games will be must see TV for sure.
I guess I shouldn’t bring my buttermilk infused-steaks to the tailgates like I do here.
What the hell can you say? As a youth soccer coach from Tenneessee said today, Steve McClaren better be going to temple tonight. England have no business still being in contention for a place in Euro 2008 but somehow they’re still in the hunt. Israel pulled off an upset and defeated Russia 2-1 with an injury time goal by Omer Golan. The result eliminated Russia and only requires England to get one point from their match with Croatia on Wednesday to advance to next year’s finals. Hebrew Nationals and He’brews all around.
England still live in spite of McClown’s best effort to sabotage any chance England had of winning this Wednesday. England played a friendly against Austria on Friday and Michael Owen started even though the squad’s striker situation was precarious. Like the lame horse he is, Owen went down and is out for Wednesday’s crucial match. His absence leaves the one and only Crouchigol as the lone option.
If England wins, the papers will start screaming about an England win next summer and glory for the queen. McClown will get a knighthood even before the tournament along with a contract extension until 2491.
In other Euro 2008 news, Italy slid through to the finals on a dodgy call as they beat a resilient Scotland 2-1. I was pulling for a Scotland win to go along with a Russian win. It would have been great to see the Scots win and England go out. The Scots would never let them live it down. However, a few English friends pointed out that an England win on Wednesday means less hooligans in London next summer so it’s a must-win.
Here are your other results.
Finland 2 – Azerbaijan 1 Spain 3 – Sweden 0 Northern Ireland/Fulham 1 – Denmark 0 (That’s gotta hurt, Vilhelm) Poland 2 – Belgium 1 Portugal 1 – Armenia 0 (Allegations of a massacre are highly exaggerated) Greece 5 – Malta 0 Turkey 2 – Norway 0 Lithuania 2 – Ukraine 0 Wales 2 – Ireland 2 Germany 4 – Cyprus 0 Moldova 3 – Hungary 0 Czech Republic 3 – Slovakia 1 Macedonia 2 – Croatia 0 Latvia 4 – Liechtenstein 0 Bulgaria 1 – Romania 0 Albania 2 – Belarus 4 (Albania did win most number of stolen watches) Netherlands 1 – Luxembourg 0
It’s been a while since we gave you a roundup and frankly we don’t care if you care. That’s a lie. We want to love us like a fat kid loves cake.
Let’s Be Havin’ Ya
Norwich director and majority shareholder Delia Smith has decided to take a back seat in club affairs. She’s handing control of the club over to Andrew and Sharon Turner.
Hopefully this means she’ll have more time to hype up the club like Flavor Flav.
Don’t change, babygirl.
Why Don’t I Shit On My Hand And Slap Myself While I’m At It
Why even bother having an award ceremony or contest? Why don’t American “soccer journalists” personally deliver the award to Landon Donovan’s house and hand it to him as they blow him?
Landycakes won the Honda Soccer Player of the Year Award for the fourth time. Yeah you read that right unless you’re Dexter Manley or Jason Kidd. He beat out Everton keeper Tim Howard and Fulham defender Carlos Bocanegra.
“I was a bit nervous driving in,” Donovan said. “It’s still exciting. It’s human nature I think to be excited.”
Go fuck yourself. You knew there was no contest.
Howard and Bocanegra put Landycakes to shame. They didn’t bitch out of Europe and run back to the US with their tail between their legs. They fought their way into starting positions with their teams. Not only do they play in more competitive leagues, they’re better players at their respective positions. Let’s not even mention Brian McBride (Fulham), DaMarcus Beasley (Rangers) and Clint Dempsey (Fulham) among others including others in the MLS who bring it every night as opposed to showing up for the Gold Cup and knocking in a couple penalties.
This is a slap in the face to American soccer and another reason why the game struggles for legitimacy. Instead of celebrating the players who bust their asses and actually make meaningful contributions as well as show up EVERY day, the American soccer illuminati can’t wait to bend over for Landycakes.
I can’t wait until he wins it again next year and acts surprised.
“E. Honda, keep humming on my balls. I love that shit.”
The Seattle group includes Sounders owner Adrian Hanauer and movie-studio executive Joe Roth, but the inclusion of the world’s 19th-richest man, according to Forbes Magazine, was confirmed by Allen’s First and Goal and Vulcan Sports and Entertainment groups Friday.
Seattle is rumored to be in the lead for one of the two planned expansion teams but no announcements have been made yet.
Oh Lawdy, Somebody Help Us
It looks like Chelsea manager Avram Grant may be sticking around a little longer than expected. Fuck.
I’ve been saying that owner Roman Abramovich needs to speak to the fans and explain his long-term vision for the club. Fans, including myself, are still a bit jittery over the loss of the Special One. It turns out he has been speaking to fans on the DL.
Haaretz reports that Abramovich sought out Chelsea supporters after Chelsea’s Champions League win in Valencia last week. He sent lackey Eugene Tenenbaum to round up fans and bring them to a bar to have drinks with the owner.
The small group of supporters were told it was time for Mourinho to go because the arrogant Portuguese manager had started to believe he was bigger than the club. And Abramovich told them they must trust Grant.
“I love Jose and will always love him because of what he did for Chelsea – but nobody is bigger than the club,” Abramovich reportedly told the fans. “I understand that you are upset he has gone but things had not been right for some while and the time was right for a change.
“I want you to trust me that Avram is the right man and he is a permanent appointment. There will be more additions to the coaching squad but Avram is here to stay.”
While the fans lucky enough to drink for free were happy to hang with Roman, none of them were convinced about the longevity of Grant.
“I don’t know if any of us were convinced that Avram Grant is going to be anything other than a stop-gap manager, but I think we left the hotel thinking that at least Roman cares what we think and is still totally committed to the club. “He speaks better English than he lets on and I don’t understand why he doesn’t front up in the media.”
I knew he could speak the English. Shady Russian oligarchs.
While the media and other football supporters may have doubted Roman’s love for the game and dedication to Chelsea, most Chelsea fans know he isn’t going anywhere unless polonium has something to say about it. The only question is whether he’s going to run the club into the ground or rebound with a long-term plan for success.
Let’s not even mention the addition of an Israeli marine who’s also a krav maga and demolition expert as fitness instructor. Let Robbie Savage or Paul Dickov start some shit now. It’s on like Donkey Kong.
Deutschland is happy and gay. Israel? Not so much and who can blame them? The Jerusalem Post reports that Munich is considering a bid for the 2018 Olympics. The Israeli Olympic Committee is considering a response. I imagine it will be something along the lines of “Ummmm….Are you out of your fucking mind??”.
Munich mayor Christian Ude says Munich is “well-equipped and hard to beat like the Panzerkampfwagen VI”. Maybe he didn’t mention anything about armor.
Following Salzburg’s defeat that saw the Russian Black Sea city of Sochi win the 2014 games on Wednesday, Ude said “even more arguments speak in favor of a German bid.”
If one goes by that logic, Belarus and Turkmenistan should throw in bids as well. I’m sure the Israelis could come up with just as many arguments if not more against it.
Seriously, people should lighten up. What are the chances of 1972 happening again? Twice in the same place? Come now. Terrorists wouldn’t be so foolish as to try it again. I’m sure they’ve all watched Munich by now. They’d have the Hulk and James Bond on that ass. Anyway, I’m sure they don’t like the winter.
Maybe Germany could do its part to appease the naysayers by promising to throw an opening ceremony dedicated to an apology to all peoples wronged by the Fatherland. Of course, it would be through song and dance. An interpretive, apologetic dance done by Bismarck lookalikes wearing pickelhaubes. It could be something similar to the stalker death dance from The Running Man. A Springtime for Hitler rendition with changed lyrics that scream “my bad” or “everyone was on vacation“. Of course the finale would be a medley performed by Rammstein, The Scorpions and David Hasselhoff. If that doesn’t say let bygones be bygones, I don’t know what does.
If you’re like us, you’ve never wondered, “Hmm, I wonder where Marcus Fizer is now and what he’s doing.” You wonder about people like Christian Okoye, God Shammgod and Koko B. Ware. You know, heroes and legends. Not first-round busts who now find themselves playing for the New York Nationals or in Mongolia against a yeti.
You might remember that a massive black hole was created over the United Center when the Chicago Bulls drafted Fizer 4th in the 2000 NBA draft. The gravitational field only attracted suck and blow instead of everything as evidenced by the combination of Fizer and Tim Floyd. He left Chicago in ruins and proceeded to trash the NBDL, Spanish and Puerto Rican leagues like Isiah on the CBA. One might think the Security Council would have passed sanctions against him but as usual corruption, hesitation and the Russian/Chinese/French alliance have allowed him to run rampant.
Maccabi Tel Aviv, say hello to Marcus Fizer. You thought having Hamas and Hezbollah on your borders was bad. Now you have the temper tantrums and bad attitude of a fanatic combined with the born-again Christian stylings of Kirk Cameron. Threat level: Oy vey … ZING!
When asked to describe his game, he does not display any false modesty. “I can do everything. Play with my back to the basket, get rebounds, score from halfway out, and move the ball around. I also don’t have a problem taking shots from beyond the arc. I shoot from wherever God tells me to.”
Fizer also said that he would not have gone to Israel if he didn’t receive a NBA-type offer. In addition, he also said that no one from Maccabi spoke to him before he signed a contract. Haaretz suggested that the lack of communication could be due to the “sizable financial implications” or his troubled past. Yes. That’s it. That makes complete sense.
Now you can tell your family and friends that you know what happened to Marcus Fizer. We know it’s probably as lame and unsatisfying as Behind The Music: Huey Lewis and the News but here we are. However if this has inspired you and you want Fizer to give life lessons and show how you and your business can be successful, click here and call! I assume it’s brought to you by the Work At Home Institute.
P.S. Here’s what Huey’s up to these days. All I have to say is donkey punch.
