Well if you listened to me last week, you actually ended up 8-7 against the spread. We were 1-0 with our Upset Specials and 0-1 with our Locks of the Week (so much for that). Not bad but we here at the Deuce strive for perfection…or at least better than breaking even. This week there seems to be a lot of 3 point spreads, which is the equivalent of Vegas shrugging their shoulders saying “I have no idea, favor the home team”, so we’ll see how we do. As always, all lines are from TheGreek. Hot cheerleader is Anjuli Rodiriguez from the Denver Broncos. Scroll to the bottom if you want to skip to the Upset Special and the Lock of the Week.

OAKLAND +140 at Kansas City

See, this is what i was just talking about. KC is favored by 3, that right there is Vegas throwing up their hands, going with the home team and letting the action dictate where the line moves. Only problem is that the line hasn’t moved at all since the public is as befuddled as the pros on tihs one. Right now, people are on Oakland by around 58% after they didnt look like an XFL team on Monday night against the Chargers. The Chiefs also looked better than advertised, but they are still horrible. As a matter of fact, both teams are still QUITE horrible. Avoid this game at all costs, but if you want to make it interesting, just take the Raiders moneyline. The whole game is a risk, if you are that much of an action junkie, you might as well get a decent payout. If you bet this game, you have balls of steel…almost like mine. I have balls of tungsten carbide. Ask my wife.

Houston at TENNESSEE -6.5

Apparently the “dynamic” Texans’ offense only works when the not so dynamic Kevin Walter is in the lineup as they sucked a fat one last week without him. Houston’s D looks to be no better than last year, meanwhile the Titan’s running game is just getting warmed up and Kerry Collins looks like the 2nd coming of Kurt Warner (last season’s edition). No stopping the Titans this week. Not without the mighty Kevin Walter on the field for the Texans. Take the points, win your cash, buy yourself a baby to replace the one you sold last week while paying off your debts from my crap picks.

New England at NEW YORK JETS +3.5

Yeah, that’s right, i’m buying into the Rex Ryan hype machine. This guy is crazier than his dad ever was if he thinks that stoking the flames within the evil Bill Belichick and, America’s sweetheart, Tom Brady is an awesome idea…and I love it. I think its just crazy enough to work and I’m going to buy the hype by taking the home dog here. When I win, everyone that believed in me will receive a phone call from Chimp Rage giving thanks for all of your support…just like my man Rex Ryan did earlier in the week.

Cincinnati at GREEN BAY -9.5

Ok, so lets see if you were paying attention to anything I said last week. If you followed this advice, you won at least one game. And I quote “you shouldn’t really try to bet against the Pack at home. Sell your car, use that money to bet this game, win, and then buy yourself the car you really deserve bucko. Its a plan that can’t fail.” Do it again. Double your money and get two cars you deserve.

NEW ORLEANS +1 at Philadelphia

McNabb has a broken rib, Westbrook still is getting his feet wet after off-season surgery and Drew Brees has been replaced with an alien from the planet Krypton. Thats all you need to know here. Take the Saints and welcome our new alien ruler with opened arms…lest he throw a football through your chest.

Carolina at ATLANTA – 6.5

The Panthers would like a do-over from last week as they were witness to Jake Delhomme looking like the NFL equivalent of my father not having the physical ability to play me in video games anymore like with Madden 10 on the Xbox. “There are more buttons to push, too many! I meant to throw to Y! How can you play with 12 buttons to push at once? You only have 10 fingers!! This game moves so friggin fast what the hell? Who sees this fast? There are too many plays to learn, how can you remem–oh, OH SHI–why the fuck is this thing vibrating??? *Throws his 4th interception*” Take the Falcons…get an Xbox 360, find me online, challenge me to a game of Madden.

St. Louis at WASHINGTON -10

Yeah, my homer pick last week paid off as the Redskins barely covered the spread. This week, I am hoping my living in Homerland pays off again as I think the Redskins will cover a 10 point spread. Yes, this is an offense that typically averages around 17 points a game. I think 17 will be enough to cover a 10 point spread. Their D should easily be able to handle the wretched St. Louis offense and as long as something crazy like an offensive lineman catching a pass and fumbling the ball away doesn’t happen, I think the Redskins get this one easy. Take the Redskins, use your money to purchase some of those freaking yellow section Club seats so that gigantic hell-hole stadium doesn’t look half empty all the time.

ARIZONA +3.5 at Jacksonville

Ok so i’m a bit worried about Kurt Warner. He had offseason hip surgery. Yes, he is so old he had to have hip surgery. I’m not sure if i feel confident in someone with that kind of ailment being the leader of a football team. If San Francisco’s lackluster D can bottle up the Cardinals, I hope Jacksonville can at least slow them down and make them punt a few times. If that happens, they should put the ball in MJD’s hands and go nuts. All that being said. Even if Jacksonville wins this game, I can’t see em winning by a more than a field goal, and Arizona’s offense, even with a gimpy Warner, is too dominant to be held down for long. Take the Cards, they bounce back this week and you will too if you’re still reading these picks.

SEATTLE +1 at San Francisco

Not sure why people are sweating San Fran so much in this game. Their running game was horrible last week and their D wasn’t all that great either. Meanwhile all the Seahawks did was shut out one of the worst teams in football, doing it in somewhat impressive fashion…at least compared to last year’s Seahawks. Hasselbeck is healthier than Kurt Warner was, his team is as healthy as it was 2 years ago when they were a playoff squad, and he won’t let his team go down to the 49ers this week. Take out a small business loan, bet it on the Seahawks as the road dog, win so much money you can pay the loan back and still open up your own Starbucks franchise.

Tampa Bay at BUFFALO -5

Buffalo nearly beats the New England Patriots, on Monday night, on the road and they are only favored by 5 points against the offensive and defensively challenged Buccaneers in a Sunday afternoon game at home? Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. Walk, nay, run to your bookie or sportsbook and throw down all your money on this one. If you win, start your own wrestling organization like this lucky moron did.

Cleveland at Denver OVER 39

Yeah, Vegas doesn’t know who will win this and neither do I. What I do know is, neither team can run the ball better than they can throw it and neither team is particularly adept at rushing the passer or stopping the pass. I am just betting that there will be a lot of throwing going on here and with that a lot of clock stoppages, meaning more time on the clock to score points. Take the over and pray that Braylon Edwards and Brandon Marshall get their heads out of their respective asses quick enough so they can look up and catch a damn ball.

BALTIMORE +3 at San Diego

Baltimore still has a pretty sick defense and now they’ve apparently discovered a passing game to go with the 1-2 punch of Rice and McGahee at running back. If the Chargers struggled with the Raiders last week…how are they supposed to win this one? Take Baltimore and be happy you’re getting a 3 point cushion. If you want to be a man, take the Ravens money line at +145 and play without a safety net. When you win, take that special someone out on the town, they will deserve it for sticking with your degenerate ass.

NEW YORK GIANTS +3 at Dallas

Another total toss up. I am going with NY here since their defensive line should push Romo to do something incredibly stupid at some point in this game and that will be enough to sway the game in the Giants’ favor. Weak reasoning for sure. Its that much of a coin toss. The over/under didnt even inspire me. Take the Giants and hope that the better team prevails…or Dallas wins by a point or two.

INDIANAPOLIS -3 at Miami

If you think Manning will lose this game, then you and I have a difference of opinion. Miami could only muster 7 points against the Falcons’ defense and I dont think they will have any more success against the Colts’ average D. Indy’s offense will do just enough to win and you will close out your week with a nice wad of cash. Blow it all on hookers and crack and come back to do it again next week.

UPSET SPECIAL OF THE WEEK

Minnesota at DETROIT +10

This one smells like a trap to me. Minnesota should dominate this game in theory but the line for this game opened at 10 and stayed there, despite over 70% of the public placing bets on Minnesota to win. That means to me that the 30% of the other people are betting heavy on Detroit to make a game of this. If it smells like a trap, looks like a trap and has crazy ass Brett Favre in there to throw a random interception or two when he feels like he has a safe lead and can make a greedy play…take the points and the home team. If you happen to win this insane bet, you should go out, head to a casino and put all that money on red or black. It doesn’t matter which color. You obviously cannot lose.

LOCK OF THE WEEK

PITTSBURGH -3 at Chicago

The only reason Culter won’t throw 4 INTs in this game, like he did last week, is because the heart and soul of the Steelers D isn’t going to be around to play. With Polamalu out, Cutler will throw just 2 picks and the Bears will still lose. Karma is a bitch for Jay Cutler and he deserves to lose for the stunts he pulled in the offseason, but this 2 game losing streak wont last long for him as the Bears have a cakewalk schedule the rest of the way. For now though, take the Steelers and the points. Once you win, take your cash and visit Casey’s Draft House on the South Side. See that little guy on the right? He will pour a shot down your throat while standing on the bar, all for the right price of course. Come for the midget, leave when the racism and sexism gets a bit too much for ya.

Good luck peoples.

*Deuce of Davenport is only doing this column for entertainment purposes only, you’d be a fool to actually follow any of this advice and/or these picks. We accept no responsibility for anyone actually gambling with these picks.

Alrighty, well now that I can bask in the glow of having picked Tenn +6.5 last night, I figure its high time I share some picks that are sure to have you stuffing your mattresses full of cash. Lets go through the games, shall we? All picks are in bold. All lines are from TheGreek. Hot cheerleader is from the Eagles. Scroll to the bottom if you want the Upset Special and the Lock of the Week.

MIAMI +4.5 at Atlanta

The public is all over Atlanta as the feel good feelings from last year are still lingering on their squad. Thing is, Miami had a decent rebound year last year and they are only healthier and better now than they were then with a deeper defense and stability at QB with Pennington. I am thinking you fade here and enjoy your chicken dinner.

KC at Baltimore UNDER 36

Not going to touch the line of Balt -13 and neither should you. Baltimore should win this game easily, but I dont know anyone that can trust their offense explode during week 1 when it never did last year. KC is in disarray, going back to Tyler Thigpen and their incredibly unreliable duo of running backs. Their defense is nearly nonexistent but luckily so is Baltimore’s offense. Take the under and count your money.

Philly at CAROLINA +3

Taking the home dog here. Philly’s O-line is hurting bad right now and their D coordinator is dead, not to mention they have the biggest distraction in the world in Michael Vick standing on their sidelines, so I’m not feeling them. Carolina is your standard mediocre NFL team and that should be enough to keep the game tight at home and maybe even pull out a win. Gutsy pick, but one you should make. When you do, and win, personally thank me for improving your fortunes.

Denver at CINCINNATI -4

I have no idea what is going on in Bronco land right now. Their rookie and future star running back may or may not play, their best wide receiver was suspended most the pre-season and hates his brand new coach who appears to be over his head, and their quarterback is Kyle Orton. Meanwhile, all is surprisingly well in Bengal-land. I expect a finally healthy Palmer to shred the Bronco’s suspect defense and cruise to a victory at home. The Bengals should Bronco-bust a nut all over this one…I have no idea what that means. SHIP IT!

MINNESOTA -3.5 at Browns

It doesnt matter if Favre, Jackson or Rosenfels is behind center with Adrian Peterson in the backfield for this game. The Vikings should have no trouble dominating against Brady Quinn and the hapless Browns with their explosive running game and strong defense. Although if the Browns could somehow mercifully end Brett Favre’s career in this game, maybe we all will forget about his shenanigans by the end of the season to possibly forgive him for what he has done and go back to shameless Farve-man-love. Take the Vikes and cash your 401k out on this one and bet it all. After you win, you can pay off those early cash out penalties and still be up big. Its safer than the stock market. Trust me.

New York Jets at HOUSTON -4

Every year Houston gets a little better, this year I think they make the leap to a good team. They have a dynamic offense and, after years of sucking, have acquired a very strong D through the draft. The Jets are starting a rookie QB on the road with Jerrico Cotchery as his only WR. I dont care if Rex Ryan is their new coach, their D alone can’t win this one. You take the Texans, pray Schaub ends the game in one piece and if he does, thithe some of your winnings to the church of your choice for your prayers paying off…b/c after Schaub is Grossman…and there aint no winning with Grossman.

JACKSONVILLE +7 at Indianapolis

Jacksonville did have an extrordinary string of bad luck as a team last year and this year they hope to turn things around…if only they can stay healthy. Luckily, its the first game of the year and they are healthy. Peyton and the Colts should win this game, but it will be closer than you think. MJD is a force and should impose his will on the Colts defense, slowing the game down and keeping things close. Take the road dog here, buy yourself a good steak with the money I have won you. Get the mashed potatoes with it. Treat yourself nice for once.

Detroit at New Orleans OVER 48.5

There is no way Detroit’s defense can slow down New Orleans offense. None chance. The only problem is, I am in no way confident that the Saint’s defense can stop Detroit’s offense. I’m scared with this game, so I am gonna pray for a shoot-out on both ends and take the over. If you do the same, so help you God I hope you win.

DALLAS -6 at Tampa Bay

The Cowboys don’t need a wide receiver to beat they Bucs by a touchdown. They have about 15 running backs on their team that will beat the rebuilding Buccaneers into submission. I expect Barber, Jones and Choice to go nuts on Tampa and Dallas will easily pull out a win here. Bet Dallas and buy yourself something nice with the winnings. You can’t afford not to play this one here.

WASHINGTON +6.5 at NY Giants

Yea, I am a huge homer, its true, but I think the Redskins have a chance here. The Giants’ secondary is beat up coming out of camp and their D-line has 2 guys returning from season ending injuries. The Giants also have no established WR on their roster and Eli’s numbers went to hell last season without his security blanket, Plaxico Burress. So what am I saying? I am not saying the Redskins will win…i’m just saying it looks to be a battle of field goals instead of touchdowns. If this is true, I am a friggin genius…not just a homer…a GENIUS!

St. Louis at SEATTLE -7.5

This spread cant be high enough. I would still bet Seattle -10 here I think. St. Louis is a joke and Seattle’s offense should surprise people this season with a healthy (for now) Matt Hasselbeck and the greatest WR corps he’s ever had to work with including the mighty chain mover TJ Houshmandzadeh. Take Seattle and enjoy your hard earned cash.

Chicago at GREEN BAY -3

This one is a toughie. In the end, I believe Aaron Rogers will have a better day against a stout Bears D than Culter will have against an opportunistic Packers D. That, and you shouldn’t really try to bet against the Pack at home. Sell your car, use that money to bet this game, win, and then buy yourself the car you really deserve bucko. Its a plan that can’t fail.

Buffalo at NEW ENGLAND -10.5

The Patriots are going to run the score up as much as they can in this game, just to prove cover boy Brady is healthy and they are back on top. Take the huge spread and pray the Bills come out of this game walking instead of on a stretcher…because I’m a nice guy like that. You need to take that money you’ve been saving for presents this holiday season and bet it all on this one. After you win, you’ll be able to afford TWICE as many nice gifts as before.

UPSET SPECIAL OF THE WEEK
SAN FRANCISCO +6 at Arizona

Yes, this is the upset special of the week. Yes, Arizona got to the super bowl last year with a heck of a run, but the 49ers actually had a nice little run to end their season last year as well. The team believes in head coach Mike Singletary and he will play to this team’s strengths this season by running the ball, running the ball and running the ball more. Frank Gore and Glenn Coffee will pound Arizona to dust with the rock and their short passing game should frustrate the Cardinals all day. The 49er’s D wont be able to stop Fitzgerald but with an ailing Bolden, they should be able to contain him. If they can get to Kurt Warner a few times they might have a chance. At the very least, I think the 49ers cover, best case, they win this game outright.

LOCK OF THE WEEK
SAN DIEGO -9 at Oakland

Not even Norv Turner can screw up this matchup. The Raiders are never going to be able to stop Rivers, LT, Sproles, Gates and Jackson. That and they might not even score against the Chargers defense which should be stronger than last year with their D line intact and with their own issues on offense. This should be as close to a lock as it comes so here’s what you do. Take out that 2nd mortgage, sell a kidney and use that kid’s college fund here. You gotta play big to win big!

*Deuce of Davenport is only doing this column for entertainment purposes only, you’d be a fool to actually follow any of this advice and/or these picks. We accept no responsibility for anyone actually gambling with these picks.

Delaware sports betting is now officially screwed. Couple weeks ago, the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Third Circuit told the state that they would not allow single game betting on all sports. Now, on Monday, the same court ruled that Delaware would only allow parlay bets on NFL games...and no other sports. Ouch.

This is effectively a death blow to the state’s desire to raise money through taking legalized bets on sporting events. No one in their right mind is going to travel to Dover Downs just to make a parlay bet on NFL games, that is just silly. All the money spent on getting these casinos’ racebooks up to sportsbook quality is now down the drain and it is a shame.

If bets can be taken in Las Vegas right now and the sanctity of sporting events is not compromised then the entire argument for all professional and collegiate sporting leagues should be considered moot. I mean, the one big, recent, gambling scandal was with an NBA referee and the mob. The mob. Yes, the mob makes a considerable amount of money off of illegal sports bets. Sure would be nice to legalize it and regulate it huh?

In any case, the real victim is not Delaware or its citizens, no its me, here in Washington DC. We are so freaking far away from any real gambling it makes me sick. Not that I really dont mind using online sources, but doing that is like playing poker online. Its fun, but there is nothing like being in a casino, with the sights and the sounds, putting actual cash down for your bets. I miss it, i need it and Delaware got screwed trying to get it.

Here’s to hoping that they head to the Supreme Court for this one.

From Reuters

Antoine Walker and Charles Barkley might have more in common than we think. Once thing we do know, besides their propensity to drive while under the influence, is that they both like to borrow insane amounts of money from casinos…and don’t give a damn about paying that debt back on time. Walker was arrested yesterday at a Harrah’s casino in Lake Tahoe yesterday for failing to pay back his markers by writing a string of bad checks to casinos…$1 million worth to be exact. Yea, that would make it a felony.

See, the thing about Chuck is, he had the money, he just took his sweet time to pay it back. Antoine apparently doesn’t. This is a particularly stunning assumption since he has made about $100 million just in his NBA salaries alone. His spending might have set a new record in blowing through one’s cash. I mean, unless you are Montgomery Brewster you have zero reason to burn your money that fast. None. One thing is certain however, Antoine Walker is the single worst gambler on the planet. Bar none. What on earth was he playing in there? Some bullshit Pai Gow Poker, War or some other crazy carnival game? Seriously, where were those 1-800-GAMBLER commercials when he needed them.

In any event, we might have a new title belt holder in the “Dumbest NBA Player” championships. Wait, I might’ve just thought of a new series on the Deuce. Thanks ‘Toine…you stupid bastard.

From Miami Herald

“Hello boy, feeling a bit poorly? I know your team is responsible for most of the cash so I’m gonna give you one week to find it. Otherwise I will take a finger of each of you and your teammates’ hands for everyday that passes without payment. And then when you run out of digits, your dad’s bar and who knows what then. All right, my son?”

It sucks to be West Ham midfielder Matthew Etherington. He’s lucky he still has all his fingers. He has West Ham to thank for that. They were forced to give Etherington enough money to choke a dozen donkeys after he came to them for help with a gambling debt.

Etherington, a recovering gambling addict, fell prey to the neon claws of Gamblor and suffered a minor relapse. This one only cost him £800,000. However the debt wasn’t his only problem. He was forced to approach the club for a loan after receiving death threats. West Ham officials were worried enough to advance him £300,000 to pay down the debt. They might regret that after losing their sponsor XL late last week. The threats he received from his bookie were “nasty and personal” as opposed to pleasant and impersonal. The rudeness was more than he could bear.