I couldn’t find a picture of a fat duck wearing a Browns jersey so a fat, brown platypus will have to do. It has a duck bill so it’s close enough, assclown.

Won’t someone please think about the ducks! If you enjoy quality books about the food industry, check out “The Foie Gras Wars: How a 5,000-Year-Old Delicacy Inspired the World’s Fiercest Food Fight“* by Mark Caro. In it, he details the debate over the banning of foie gras in several states from both sides of the issue. Gavage is the process by which ducks are force-fed in order to fatten them up and make their liver nice and tasty for the top of the food chain to enjoy. If you’ve tried it, you know it’s tasty. How you would feel if humans were subjected to the same treatment? Well it’s happening.

It was bad enough when the American viewing public was subjected to the Marlins in The Franchise on Showtime. Luckily for us, only 23 people have Showtime. Unfortunately we all have the Travel Channel which is premiering a show about the Cleveland Browns next week.

In this first of its kind series with in-season coverage, the NFL will provide unprecedented access to Travel Channel to unveil never-before-seen footage of what it takes to run and travel an entire professional football team from city to city, game to game, during the regular season. Every road trip requires a massive amount of coordination to haul the 150-person squad 20,000 miles a season. From feeding six-tons of men, to clothing and housing them, to how a stadium prepares and deals with more than 70,000 rabid fans, Travel Channel’s cameras are there to capture this massive undertaking.

Viewers will see how the Cleveland Browns live and prepare each week through the eyes of the players, staff and team management all the way up and including the top dawg, new owner Jimmy Haslam. They can expect to learn more about the history behind deeply rooted team rivalries and other notable insights not typically covered in normal game coverage. Episodes will focus around the weeks leading up to games played against the New York Giants, Baltimore Ravens, Dallas Cowboys, Oakland Raiders, Denver Broncos and Pittsburgh Steelers. When the game ends, the real work begins … and there are no timeouts.

Each week, NFL Road Tested will feature different employees across the entire Cleveland Browns organization. From players, such as starting Rookie Quarterback Brandon Weeden, Rookie Running Back sensation Trent Richardson and Veteran Placekicker Phil Dawson; to the charismatic new Owner Jimmy Haslam, to the team’s Head Equipment Manager Brad Melland, and many, many more. Fans will get a true, up-close idea of the inner workings of a legendary NFL football organization.

So let me get this straight. Anthony Bourdain is leaving for CNN and Travel Channel replaces him with this? You’re probably wondering what Christian Bale thinks of this.

“Ohhhhh, goooood for you. And how was it? I hope it was fucking good, because it’s useless now, isn’t it?”

Maybe it’s good for the Mistake by the Lake and Travel Channel but this is turrible for the rest of us. Let’s watch the Browns travel city to city blowing leads like a cheap hooker on the block. Bet you can’t wait to see them haul disappointment and failure across the country. The only thing that would make this show worth watching would be the voice of John Facenda describing Browns employees packing up the multiple sacks of Chris Weedon for the long trip back to Cleveland along the Cuyahoga River. Gotta get ‘em ready by next Sunday.

Please let the theme be “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald“. Gordon Lightfoot til the casket drop. Scott Fujita. That’s what’s up. Oh wait, he’s definitely down.

Your musical reference: Bad Boy 4 Life by P. Diddy.

*I would have sent you to Strand but the book is out of stock.

So, first Emmitt Smith did that “Just for Men” commercial highlighting (pun intended) his talents seen on “Dancing With the Stars.” I’m sure most of you have seen the commercial, hair dying, hospital gown, terrible acting and all but, just in case, here it is…

Now, the Chilhowee Dance and Permorming Arts Center is using Emmitt Smith to promote and encourage men to take and purchase dance lessons by pointing out that “Real Men Do Dance.” They point this out by going after their real target audience. The wives, brides to be, and daughters. Smart. Basically, they are giving women a talking point when selling dance lessons to the “husbands, grooms and fathers of the bride” in their lives by pointing out that these men will be “anxious to dance” because they saw Emmitt Smith having “so much fun” on Dancing With The Stars. See the blog and link to the Center here. http://http//www.merchantcircle.com/blogs/Chilhowee.Dance.And.Performing.Arts.Center.423-479-2123/2008/10/REAL-Men-Do-Dance-Just-ask-Warren-Sapp-Jerry-Rice-and-Emmitt-Smith-/131582

Let’s get something straight. I am sure most men would agree with me that the only way they can be encouraged to take dance lessons has nothing to do with pointing out Emmitt Smith had fun on a television show where sports stars dance alongside Tom Delay wearing animal prints and tight shiny pants. Especially since most men don’t dance like Hall of Fame running backs. Emmitt Smith: running back, dancer, beard dyer, and savior to brides who don’t want to look like idiots during their first dance? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

You know what’s better than toast? Mo’ toast and that’s how I beat Larry Holm’, Dabe Robenfeld.

Leave it to the MLS to introduce sponsors on jerseys in the US. It may be common everywhere else in the world but the top four professional leagues have managed to avoid advertising on jerseys until now. The NFL voted to allow teams to place sponsor logos on their practice jerseys back in March. Expect a bukkake-style explosion of ads before long as most teams will do anything to make a buck.

Zero Tolerance Entertainment thinks it can make the Houston Texans bend over for “several zeros” and place the company logo on their practice jerseys. Good luck with that. Zero Tolerance is best … well, only known for porn. You can find all your favorites such as Jenna Haze, Courtney Cummz, Rebeca Linares and the almost legit Sasha Grey. We’re not even going to link to their website but don’t front like you don’t know the address already. Fine, here’s the NSFW link. We can’t begin to tell you how NSFW this link is unless you work for Vivid. I just ordered Popporn: The Guide to Making Fuck. It was a no-brainer once I heard Gene Shalit makes dirty mustache love to it.

It’s safe to say the offer is a non-starter. The company issued a press release stating as much.

“Every team in the league starts the season by saying, that they’ll have Zero Tolerance for losing,” the company said. “While our offer may not be taken seriously, there is some undeniable synergy between the NFL and the name of our company.”

Zero tolerance for what? Fun? Self-expression? The name seems more appropriate for the NFL than the company. We’ve seen plenty of Zero Tolerance offerings and it’s pretty clear their talent will tolerate almost anything.

The Texans should do themselves a favor and consider the offer. The synergy between the Texans and the company starts and stops with the Sex Cannon. This could be a partnership for the ages especially barely 18.

Hopefully you’re in a food coma or drinking yourself into Bolivian. We weren’t going to post anything until Monday but our visual palates need to be cleansed after that disaster of a halftime show imposed on us during the Seahawks-Cowboys game by the NFL. Blind rage barely begins to describe the feeling running through me as I watched a bunch of screaming girls cheer on the Jonas Brothers. This is how post office and factory shootings start. I couldn’t find the remote so I started hoping that my face would melt like Toht’s in Raiders of the Lost Ark. No such luck. I was left shaking my fist with impotent rage. Not that I’m impotent, ladies. I’m all man. Please believe me!

You, my friend, could use some fun after the unpleasantness. Big fun. This video brilliance should help you start coping with what took place this afternoon at Texas Stadium. Don’t forget it. Never forget it. Santayana was right. Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it. There are so many reasons why this video is amazing. Try Telly Savalas, smoking and Howard Cosell for starters.

For the hundredth time, someone needs to put us on to where we can get some Players Club cards.