Brian Boitano has a cooking show on Food Network. Let that marinate for a moment. I should be angry but I’m not. These are the same clowns that forced Rachel Ray and Guy Fieri on us without so much as an apology. I refuse to accept that Boitano deserves his own cooking show but at least he’s doing something everyone can imagine he would do after retiring from figure skating. He’s not out driving drunk and stealing cars like Andrei Lutai.

Lutai, a figure skater from Russia, was arrested after stealing a car from a gas station and driving drunk in Lake Placid. That’s pretty gangsta for a figure skater. What was he doing at a gas station without a car? Getting his sequins fixed in the bay or bathroom? He was charged with grand larceny, criminal possession of stolen property, unauthorized use of a motor vehicle and aggravated driving while intoxicated. He’s being held on $100,000 bail. Oksana Baiul will drive right over and bail him out as soon as she finishes that sixth Long Island Iced Tea and figures out why the road is sideways.

I don’t know if Food Network can ever make up for imposing Rachel Ray and The Neelys on us. However Eat The Clock could be a good start.

Eat The Clock is a competitive eating show described in the Hollywood Reporter as “a cross between an eating competition and ‘The Amazing Race.’ Two teams of contestants follow clues to various Los Angeles eateries and enjoy culinary treats.”

Upon further review, it seems that gluttony won’t be a big part of the show. Food Network is turning into a cocktease. Fuck them. Who wants another version of the Amazing Race? “I know, let’s copy the Amazing Race and limit it to one city! People will love that! Next season, we can do it in Wilmington!”

The show should be a cross between a competitive eating contest and the Running Man. Imagine Eric “Badlands” Booker (pictured above) chasing the Neelys down a street and silencing that fucking yammering with his detachable jaw. Rachel Ray would never see the end coming from Joey Chestnut or Kobayashi until it was too late. BBQ sauce would cover her head as everything goes black and we win money. Too bad Richard Dawson isn’t alive to host this show. Bob Barker, Wink Martindale or Chuck Woolery could handle it with ease.