It’s all fun and games until a figure skater gets a sequin in the eye then it’s all salchow jump kicks and people screaming “Why??” as bodies and gold lamé go flying.

Police were called to a Mississauga, Ontario hotel after a brawl broke out among figure skaters who just finished competing in the Canadian national championships.

The melee began as a celebration, says Mike Slipchuk, Skate Canada’s director of high performance. The skaters involved, around 18 to 22 years old, had just finished an intense week of skating (the men’s, ladies and pairs figure skating wrapped up Saturday; ice dancers finished Sunday).

“As with many competitions, the skaters let off some steam on the last night. And it seems some of them maybe were letting off a bit too much steam,” he said. “We are looking into the situation because it’s not acceptable, when they come to an event, to have something escalate to a point where the hotel has to get extra assistance.”

The only injury reported was a cut cheek and the skaters were sent to their rooms by the police after a stern lecture and hotel security judged each skater on their fight performance.

Brian Boitano has a cooking show on Food Network. Let that marinate for a moment. I should be angry but I’m not. These are the same clowns that forced Rachel Ray and Guy Fieri on us without so much as an apology. I refuse to accept that Boitano deserves his own cooking show but at least he’s doing something everyone can imagine he would do after retiring from figure skating. He’s not out driving drunk and stealing cars like Andrei Lutai.

Lutai, a figure skater from Russia, was arrested after stealing a car from a gas station and driving drunk in Lake Placid. That’s pretty gangsta for a figure skater. What was he doing at a gas station without a car? Getting his sequins fixed in the bay or bathroom? He was charged with grand larceny, criminal possession of stolen property, unauthorized use of a motor vehicle and aggravated driving while intoxicated. He’s being held on $100,000 bail. Oksana Baiul will drive right over and bail him out as soon as she finishes that sixth Long Island Iced Tea and figures out why the road is sideways.

Someone needs to put Tonya Harding out of our misery. I would consider giving one or both of Chimp’s kidneys away to a Indian organ farmer if it meant sending Harding into permanent exile. The former figure skater/porn failure/boxer is forcing her way into our lives again. This time, she’s jumping into the world of MMA.

Harding will be fighting in the Mixed Martial Arts Extreme Cage Fight War in Detroit on January 24. That’s the shorted version of the event name which is actually the Mixed Martial Arts Extreme Cage Fight War Extravaganza Super Jamberoo Explosion Super Happy Fun Time Spectacular. The event marks the 15 year anniversary of the infamous “WHY??” incident in which skater Nancy Kerrigan was punked by Harding and her associates with a pipe to the knee.

Is it wrong to hope for a Mortal Kombat-type fatality? Hopefully she’ll be matched against Brock Lesnar who will pound her into Bolivian with his ham hock hands before releasing her head into the night with a Scorpion uppercut.