It’s good to be England manager Fabio Capello. He gets to manage England but unlike English managers who are English, he can escape the bloodsucking tabloid press and unrealistic expectations by heading back to Italy. When he gets home, he has some of this waiting for him.

Capello does a much better job of maintaining his composure than JCVD. It’s cool though. Van Damme probably did a couple lines off that dancer’s ass after setting fashion back 25 years with the outfit his mom picked out for him.

Talk about a thankless job. You’re damned if you don’t and you’re damned if you d….nah that won’t happen. England played their first match under the reign of “Don” Fabio Capello as they took on Switzerland in a friendly this past Wednesday. What do you know? Same old England.

The game has been analyzed backwards and forwards although it’s not clear why pundits and fans wasted their time. It’s simple. They’re not as good as they think they are. If this is going to work, it’s going to take time. Let Ollie from Who Ate All The Pies tell you what else went wrong on Wednesday night.

England players are soon going to learn what happens when you cross Don Fabio. Someone stole the “top of the line” hairdryer he had installed in his private Wembley changing room. Someone on the squad must think wet hair is his Achilles or that he can’t give the hair dryer treatment without the use of a hair dryer.

A source told the Mirror: “The England manager has his own dressing room next to the players’ one. After Fabio got the England job he asked for a hairdryer to be put in there for his sole use.

“We thought it was a bit strange but he’s the boss and we got a top-of-the-range dryer. Everything went smoothly on Wednesday and Fabio seemed happy when he left.

But it wasn’t until the next day we noticed the hairdryer had disappeared.

“Everyone is terrified about what he is going to say when he finds out it’s missing.”

“Goldenballs, Goldenballs. What have I ever done to make you to treat me so disrespectfully? If you had come to me in friendship then this scum that stole my hair dryer would be suffering this very day. And if by chance an honest man like yourself should make enemies then they would become my enemies. And then, they would fear you.”

Can you really be scared of an angry Italian? One from Staten Island or Jersey, yes. One straight from the mother…sorry, mutha? Not so much. You look at Mussolini and wonder how anyone could have feared him. As Eddie Izzard pointed out, they made for shit fascists.

“Italy invented fascism in 1922. Mussolini said, ‘Right, we’re all fascists!’ but most Italian people are always on scooters going, ‘Ciao!’ And they’re into football, and life, and they’re not fascists, you know? He said, ‘We’re all fascists!’ ‘All right, ciao!’ No helmet on… (imitates scooter running). All those 50s films, like ‘Roman Holiday’, it’s just like that! Everyone’s just cool and hangs out.”

**You’re missing out if you haven’t seen Eddie Izzard’s Dressed To Kill yet. Go here to check it out.