Imagine a throng of women scaling the walls of a residential compound and racing towards the main house. Security cameras set in the eyes of replica Manneken Pis statues, which upon further inspection are nothing more than statues of a grown man with an impressive afro taking a piss, catch shadows as they draw closer to their prey. Inside the house, a man wearing an Everton jersey and resembling a shiitake mushroom curls up in a fetal position and sobs to himself as he prepares for the inevitable. The noise gets louder as the hoard gets closer until the front door falls in with a loud crash and the ladies pour in. “‘Ello love! Which one uv us is you takin’ out tonight?!”
You haven’t made it as a soccer player in Liverpool until the scousers rob your house. It’s too bad Marouane Fellaini couldn’t make the grade. There’s no shame in hiding your tail between your legs and fleeing to Manchester. He won’t be the first or the last but he definitely has the best excuse.
‘I am living in Manchester now, because in Liverpool, the women were crawling for me,’ Fellaini said.
‘It was too much. In Manchester, people don’t recognise me that much and tend to treat me in a more respectful way.
‘I don’t want to be a star. I just want to play football.’
You can strip their house down to the copper wiring but scouse women on the prowl is what sends the boys running to the hills like Iron Maiden.
It’s hard to feel sorry for El Hadji Diouf. The Blackburn striker and serial spitter is in trouble again but this time, it’s racialist. He’s being investigated by the police and FA after allegations surfaced that he racially abused a ball boy during a match against Everton. It’s alleged that he said, “Fuck off, white boy” because the kid didn’t give him a ball fast enough.
Diouf denies the allegations and claims that Everton supporters threw bananas at him. That’s a massive charge as it brings up memories of John Barnes’ struggles in the 80s as one of the first black players in the league. He faced a barrage of racial abuse which including having bananas thrown at him.
Speaking to Radio Monte Carlo, Diouf said: “The ball went out and I wanted to take the throw in quickly.
“The ball-boy threw the ball at me like a bone to a dog.
“The assistant referee told me he saw it but we had to continue and we would look at it at half-time.
“What’s more people threw bananas at me. The fourth official said he would make a report to the police.
“I didn’t say anything so that people couldn’t say ‘It’s El Hadji Diouf again’.
The Everton brass are furious with Diouf’s statements. No banana-related evidence was found where Diouf claimed he was attacked and no evidence of banana tossing was picked up by TV cameras or photographers. Obviously Everton should face serious sanctions should his claims be proven. However that appears unlikely. It seems more likely that it’s El Hadji Diouf again. If we’re wrong, we’ll apologize.
This isn’t the first time Diouf has been the center of controversy. He’s well known for spitting on fans and opposing players in addition to being an all-around jackass. Abusing a ball boy for being slow to return a ball is way out of line. It’s almost part of the game. There has only been one documented case where verbally or physically beating a ball boy has been acceptable.
Do I come to your job and throw bottles of urine at you? I do if I’m a Nigerian soccer fan and your name is Jon Obi Mikel. The Chelsea midfielder got more than he bargained for when he watched the Eagles take on Kenya in a World Cup qualifier from the comfort of a VIP box.
Mikel and Everton defender Joseph Yobo missed two European friendlies after claiming they weren’t able to get visas to play in France and Ireland. Nigerian fans didn’t buy their flimsy excuses and showed their disapproval by throwing plastic bottles of urine at Mikel during the Kenya match. Yobo sat next to Mikel but there are no reports of him being hit by the piss missiles.