The televised circle jerk and LeBron suck-off otherwise known as the ESPYs is an abortion of an awards show (as if there are good awards shows). This isn’t news to anyone who has sat through an entire show or been subjected to non-stop replays on ESPN weeks after the show.

Since the ESPYs are here to stay, ESPN might want to take a page from the Brownlow Medal Show. You want an awards show? They’ll give you an awards show replete with drunken hosts and ass grabbing. Take a gander at Carlton player and Street Talk host Brendan Fevola. In a word? Awesome.

Pressure point!* Steven Seagal! WOOOOOO! Why can’t Brian Urlacher and Ray Lewis get housed and rough up Mike and Mike during the awards? Fevola had a lotta mo.

Fevola did not hold back as he simulated sex for the cameras, puckered up for some unsuspecting WAGs and bystanders, and swore black and blue while interviewing players and guests.

Accompanied by a cameraman and sound assistant, Fevola had several mishaps, including knocking a full bottle of beer out of Western Bulldog Adam Cooney’s hand that went flying into the crowd.

The outrageous footballer lurched and fell on to a barricade as Carlton skipper Chris Judd and girlfriend Rebecca Twigley came tohis aid.

Holding a fist full of notes, Fevola then tried to pay a waiter more than $500 for giving him free alcohol.

“Just keep it,” Twigley said to the confused waiter as she tried to steady Fevola. Even stern and heavily pregnant on-again-off-again wife Alex could not calm down the wobbly Blues player.

“Brendan, I’m telling you, stop drinking,” Alex said.

“But I just did Street Talk,” Fevola slurred.

“Oh yeah, that went really well,” Alex said.

Richmond’s Nathan Brown took over Fevola’s Footy Show duties, as the Blues bad boy continued to party hard.

Fevola was seen on the balcony at the River Room, where the after-party was held, smoking cigarettes in the rain and vomiting.

The crowd at the awards show was not pleased with the self-righteous hosts of the show who refused to show more footage of Fevola’s antics. He should be given some credit. At least he made it to the show.

The Bulldogs’ Jason Akermanis didn’t even make it to the show because he got shitfaced the afternoon of the medal show. He went out with teammates to celebrate the end of the season but was supposed to attend the show that night. His wife was forced to pick him up from the pub in her evening wear but he was in no shape to attend the show.

Akermanis offered a medal-worthy explanation: “I had planned to go (to the Brownlow), and I had a really good plan in place to get there. But it’s fair to say I miscalculated a few things, and as such didn’t execute the plan all that well.”

Brilliant.

Dana Jacobsen had the right idea until the man shut her down. Fevola didn’t fare much better. He was fined AU$10,000 and kicked off the Footy Show. Way to Mutu his ass.

* Here is the incident Fevola was referring to when he was yelling “Pressure Point!” and “Steven Seagal!” at Chris Judd.

You can be the proud owner of the 40 feet tall, 31 ton, fire-breathing, mechanical dinosaur known as Robosaurus! All you have to do is be the winning bidder at the 2008, 37th annual Barrett-Jackson car auction in Scottsdale, Arizona taking place January 12-20th next year.

Robosaurus is operated by a human pilot strapped inside the monster’s cranium. The operator also controls the 20-foot flames that erupt from his nostrils and the foot-long stainless steel teeth that rip into and twist metal with 20,000 pounds of crushing force.

While I have never been to a monster truck rally, I do feel like this is something that anyone would love to own…if they had enough space to store it somewhere of course. Imagine rolling up to a club in this beast? How can you not get into the swankiest spot in town with this motherfucker shooting 20 foot flames out of its mouth, picking up and crushing with 20,000 lbs of force all those riced out civics cruising the street near the joint. All the ladies be all up in Chimp’s piece fo’ sho’. While I would love to see someone like Shaq purchase this and subsequently roll up to the ESPYs or some red carpet with this piece of redneck history, Robosaurus must be mine…

If you need to see this hotness in action, watch below:

UPDATE: 100% beat us to this a friggin MONTH ago…damn you WCK, foiled again!!!

From Barrett-Jackson via Brblife

Before we get to our dump, just like to say that we’re also a part of the hopefully soon to be infamous Epic Carnival here in the blogosphere. Of course everyone and their mother is a part of it, so there will be no shortage of good reading constantly on it. Luckily, this won’t affect the Deuce at all posting-wise, we’ll keep doing our thing, contributing to the Carnival as we can, like we did here with Urban Mushing. We’ll also be contributing elsewhere as well, look around for us popping up on other sites in the future. That being said…Welcome to the Constitutional.

• This just in!! The President is a moron. Nyjer Please via Biz of Baseball
• EA Sports offering Madden Championship Ring for less than a PS3. Sports By Brooks and NFL Guru
• The greatest collection of mouthpieces I have EVER seen. 100% Injury Rate
• Just what are the Knicks going to do with 17 players on their roster? Troy Nunes Is An Absolute Magician (posted really just for that fantastic blog name)
• A look behind the scenes at the ESPYs. With Leather
  
• The Phillies suck…but they dont suck the hardest. Winning The Turnover Battle
• The games in the Olympics of Backyard Sports. The Ghosts of Wayne Fontes
  

The ESPYs got nuthin’ on the Slammys. Jamie Foxx, Stuart Scott, Jeff Gordon and Chris Berman vs. Hulk Hogan, Randy “Macho Man” Savage, The Junkyard Dog (RIP) and Vince McMahon. Steel cage. No contest.

Is that Jake The Snake or Mean Gene Okerland with hair?

Here’s some bonus video from last week. Guess the Iron Sheik’s stand up career isn’t going as well as planned.