Ah another lovely Shrove Tuesday. Oh look it’s 3:00. Time to beat the shit out of my neighbor until 4:30. Welcome to the Atherstone Ball Game.
The first rule of Atherstone Ball Game is no killing allowed. The second rule is there’s only one rule. Anything goes except death. The ball game is not new. It’s over 800 years old. The objective as far as we can tell is to possess the ball at 4:30. Anything goes between 3:00 when the ball is dropped from the window of the local Barclay’s Bank until 4:30-5:00. The team that has the ball when time is called wins and gets to keep the ball. It’s not edible and there’s no gold in it. I find it best not to question barbarians. Figure I’ll live longer.
Terry Matterson’s wife was most likely pissed when he came home from work without his wedding ring. “Baby you see what had happened was…” The Castleford coach had an airtight excuse that no wife could reject. It’s true that he wasn’t wearing his wedding ring. However he also wasn’t wearing his ring finger. It was severed in a training ground accident that’s enough to make anyone cringe.
Matterson was preparing his squad for the weekend’s friendly against the Catalan Dragons when he scaled a steel fence to retrieve a ball. He caught his wedding ring on a spike on top and, without realising it, severed the finger as he jumped down. “It was a shock,” he said with some understatement. “We were looking around for the finger on the field and couldn’t find it.
Castleford staff eventually detached it from the fence and took it, packed in ice, to the hospital with Matterson, but doctors were unable to re-attach it. He still took charge of the team for the game in Perpignan, although he left some duties to his assistant, Andy Hay.
This is the kind of story that makes you mutter “Holy shit!” under your breath after reading it. That is unless you actually witness the event in person. That’s when you yell “Holy shit!” or “What the fuck??” while pointing instead of helping out.
It’s not all bad for Matterson. Now he can convincingly play a Yakuza member for Halloween or Guy Fawkes Day. Boxing Day, whatever. That’s mad street cred in Little Tokyo. Take that, Dolph.
It’s been a minute since we’ve posted a soccer roundup. John Terry was the inspiration the Deuce needed. We’re ready to go like a 17year old girl in the back of JT’s Bentley. Let’s do this!
The Undertaker Likes To Pay For His Souls
Poor Avram Grant. He lead Chelsea to the Champions League final only to be unceremoniously bounced by owner Roman Abramovich. He landed on his feet at Portsmouth this season knowing he was going to have a rough time saving them from relegation. Unfortunately no one warned him about the clusterfuck also known as Pompey’s finances. A man might want to blow off some steam when his employer can’t pay him and wants to sell his best players.
He is alleged to have smiled when admitting knowing the building was a brothel before speeding off in a car.
The manager, who is reputed to earn over £1million a year, apparently made no attempt to hide his identity.
He is said to have previously been seen outside the parlour, which uses Thai and other Far Eastern massage girls, in October when he also spent more than an hour inside.
Ain’t no shame in Avram’s game. He would have been better off rolling with Vanessa Perroncel instead of some Thai hookers in an industrial park. It’s the Chelsea way.
Revenge Is A Dish Best Served Sympathetically
We hate to come back to Terrygate so soon. That’s not true. It’s awesome. No new details since yesterday however we noted a potential landmine on the side that has the potential to blow up into another Chelsea/England scandal…if we’re lucky.
All the attention in this scandal has been on John Terry and his road beef. What about the real victim? Wayne Bridge. The defender has been left to fend for himself in Manchester or has he? The Telegraph reports that Ashley “Cashley” Cole’s wife Cheryl has been comforting Bridge in his time of need. Uh oh…
Cashley is a current Chelsea teammate of Terry’s and also plays for England with both players. Miss Cashley has a career of her own as a host on X Factor and mediocre singer. She’s also known for being in a similar position as Bridge when her man cheated on her after a drunken night on the town in 2008. She feels Bridge’s pain. No one’s saying she’s feeling more than that but it would be a perfect opportunity for her to exact some revenge on Cashley for his transgressions. It’s unlikely since he’s known as one of the nice guys in the game and she grudgingly took her man back. Probably not worth staying tuned but you never know.
Sir David Attenborough Takes On The Premier League
If you haven’t seen Life of Mammals or Life of Birds, you’re missing out on some nature excellence. David Attenborough has presented more nature specials than you’ll ever see. I got the British version of Planet Earth because he does the narration. While most of the specials are top notch, they don’t begin to compare to his work on Premier League players and managers. Take a gander at this excerpt.
“This extraordinary creature is half-blind…” Brilliant. It’s funny because it’s true.
“Chelsea wherever you may be, don’t leave your wife with John Terry!”
England manager Fabio Capello called Wayne Bridge to tell him that John Terry had lost the England captain’s armband. He asked him to look under his bed. Bam!
The terrace chants, songs and jokes are heating up as more details begin to emerge from Terrygate. The latest reports may actually help Terry save his job as captain. What could save his armband besides proof that he didn’t have an affair with the former nightclub worker? It turns out that he wasn’t the only Chelsea player to have a go at Bridgey’s ex.
The Sun reports that former players Eidur Gudjohnsen, Adrian Mutu and one unnamed player also ran up in Perroncel while she was working at a nightclub frequented by Chelsea players. Terry’s just getting sloppy fifths. Gudjohnsen allegedly warned Bridge about Perroncel’s super-WAG/ho-ish intentions but he didn’t listen. Whoa, hold up…
The Mail claims that the number is up to seven as two CURRENT Chelsea players have been identified as also being Perroncel dick bandits. They remain unnamed for now. Don’t be surprised to learn that mascot Stamford the Lion also made sweet love to her.
Bridge might want to consider a paternity test to make sure he’s the father of their child. This sounds like a job for Maury.